It's Friday (the 13th) - so Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Sep 13, 2019 at 10:56
ThreadID: 139059 Views:2475 Replies:12 FollowUps:2
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An elderly Floridian called 911 on his cell phone to report that his car has been broken into.
He is hysterical as he explains his situation to the dispatcher
"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" he cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm... An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in "Disregard." he says "He got in the back-seat by mistake."


TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!

____________________________________________________________

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath.
She puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'
The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see'
She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters,
she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood...'
She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door'


TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!

____________________________________________________________



'I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!'

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'
'No,' the second man replied, 'Thursday'
And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!

____________________________________________________________

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex'
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair...
Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex...'
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!

_________________________________________________________

Two elderly gentlemen had been friends for many decades.
Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards..
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me .....
I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name!
I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is....
His friend stared at him for at least three minutes -- he just stared and stared at him.
Finally, he said, 'How soon do you need to know?'


TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!!

____________________________________________________________


SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just
heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
Please be careful!'
'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
Dunc
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Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Sep 13, 2019 at 11:03

Friday, Sep 13, 2019 at 11:03
The Irish never hesitate to come to the aid of their fellow man (fellow air
passengers, in this case)!

Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin
to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful
announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been
a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has
happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we
received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and
inconvenience."

When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone
who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will
receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 10 hour flight.”

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we
still have 40 dinners available."

cheers

Dunc

Dunc
Make sure you give back more than you take

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AnswerID: 627680

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Sep 13, 2019 at 11:07

Friday, Sep 13, 2019 at 11:07
A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbucks cafe discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well we Greeks built the Parthenon" and
arched his eyebrows.

The Scotsman replies, "Well ... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and
Winter Solstices."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Scotsman, nodding in agreement says, "Scots were the ones who built the
first timepieces and calendars."

And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the
discussion......

With a flourish of finality he says, "The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!"

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it
to the women!!"

cheers

Dunc

Dunc
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AnswerID: 627681

Reply By: Colcam42 - Friday, Sep 13, 2019 at 11:28

Friday, Sep 13, 2019 at 11:28
Another Irish Joke:

An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown Malbay, in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.
One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, and she was willing to pay up to 10,000 pounds.
Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. They talked much about the Rightness and Wrongness of it. It was hard to make the decision but finally his wife agreed, on one condition. In a few minutes he returned.
" 'Twould be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay. "I'll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes."

Tis why we love the Irish.
AnswerID: 627682

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Sep 13, 2019 at 11:35

Friday, Sep 13, 2019 at 11:35
Research confirms that drinking gives you the same benefits yoga does !!!

Savasana
Position of total relaxation.


Balasana
Position that brings the sensation of peace and calm.


Setu Bandha Sarvangasana
This position calms the brain and heals tired legs.


Marjayasana
Position stimulates the midirift area and the spinal comumn.


Halasana
Excellent for back pain and insomnia.


Dolphin
Excellent for the shoulder area, thorax, legs, and arms.


Salambhasana
Great exercise to stimulate the lumbar area, legs, and arms.


Ananda Balasana
This position is great for massaging the hip area.


Malasana
This position, for ankles and back muscles.


So, let's start drinking!




AnswerID: 627683

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Sep 13, 2019 at 11:53

Friday, Sep 13, 2019 at 11:53
Groceries and Opera

Grocery Shopping


bill
AnswerID: 627684

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Sep 13, 2019 at 11:55

Friday, Sep 13, 2019 at 11:55
In the time of Roman Britain, a Celt threw a haggis over Hadrian's Wall as

a peace offering. At first the centurions thought it was a poop bag for
Aberdeen Angus Bulls, and decided it couldn't possibly be something anyone
would eat, so threw it back.

The Celt then hurled it back, saying "Ta'e this!"

The Romans misheard this as 'Tennis' and the Scottish national sport was
born.

****************************************************************************

My boss phoned me today. He said "Is everything OK at the office?"

I said "It is all under control. It's been a very busy day. I haven't
stopped to take a break all day."

"Can you do me a favour" he asked.

I said "Of course, What is it?"

"Pick up the pace a little. I'm in the foursome behind you."

***************************************************************************

It's the 10th anniversary of Herman Mendelbaum's death and his widow
decides to make a pilgrimage to the cemetery to recite a prayer over his
grave and place a small stone to show that he is remembered.

She arrives at the cemetery, but it being a while since she had been
there, she is confused and cannot find poor Herman's grave site.
Finally, she comes across a grounds-keeper who escorts her to a small
chapel on the cemetery grounds where the records are kept.

The grounds-keeper, after pouring over large maps and lists, finally
turns to the widow and says, "I can find no record of a Herman
Mendelbaum buried here. The closest I can find is a Sadie Mendelbaum."

"That's him!" she exclaims. "He always put everything in my name..."


bill
AnswerID: 627685

Reply By: Member - Outback Gazz - Friday, Sep 13, 2019 at 12:00

Friday, Sep 13, 2019 at 12:00
CARPENTERS URGENTLY REQUIRED - Cabinet falling apart !


Apply at 10 Downing street ASAP


Don't bring tools - the building is full of them !

AnswerID: 627686

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Sep 13, 2019 at 17:03

Friday, Sep 13, 2019 at 17:03
Cure for prostate problem ???

https://youtu.be/sdJZnFccVnM

Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 627690

Follow Up By: Member - Tony H (touring oz) - Saturday, Sep 14, 2019 at 08:59

Saturday, Sep 14, 2019 at 08:59
Can recall seeing this on the ABC....one of Eric Campbell’s finest reports
Insanity doesnt run in my family.... it gallops!

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Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Sep 13, 2019 at 19:12

Friday, Sep 13, 2019 at 19:12
Irish Wedding photo's

https://youtu.be/6m0UiqEg1_4

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Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Sep 13, 2019 at 19:29

Friday, Sep 13, 2019 at 19:29
Old and New Photo's







Living like a millionaire on the pension

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Reply By: RMD - Friday, Sep 13, 2019 at 20:09

Friday, Sep 13, 2019 at 20:09
Help for Climate Change Activists.
Having worked for a company making Adhesives, a few workers there are offering a free service to those wishing to glue themselves to the road in any capital city. We will supply the adhesive free of charge, and since it works best on hot days, 38 + where the road temp reaches 50C or more instant results can be expected. Remember, FREE OFFER from a caring section of the Australian community and we are sticking to it.
AnswerID: 627693

Reply By: Ron N - Friday, Sep 13, 2019 at 21:25

Friday, Sep 13, 2019 at 21:25
]
AnswerID: 627694

Follow Up By: Member - Outback Gazz - Friday, Sep 13, 2019 at 21:36

Friday, Sep 13, 2019 at 21:36
Ron

It's no coincidence that a man's best friend doesn't talk !! lol
3
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