friday funnies

Submitted: Friday, Oct 18, 2019 at 09:03
ThreadID: 139207 Views:2724 Replies:9 FollowUps:4
Reportedly, a woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco.

Unexpectedly,

The plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way.

The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes..

Everybody got off the plane except one lady

Who was blind.

A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her guide dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight..

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"

The blind lady said,

"No thanks, but maybe Buddy

Would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete stand still when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a guide dog for the blind!

Even worse, the pilot was wearing sunglasses !

People scattered.

They not only tried to change planes,

But they were trying to change airlines!

have a great day
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Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Oct 18, 2019 at 09:08

Friday, Oct 18, 2019 at 09:08
BASIC RULES FOR INTERNATIONAL TOURISTS DRIVING IN MELBOURNE

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Melbourne driver
never uses them.

2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you
and the car in front of you, or somebody else will fill in that space
putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going
with the flow."

4. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you
have of getting hit.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive body work.
The other guy doesn't have anything to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and as late as possible to ensure that
your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake
pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch
your legs.

7. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during
rush-hour traffic in Melbourne.

8. Always slow down and rubber-neck when you see an accident or even
someone changing a tire.

9. Everybody thinks their vehicle is better than yours, especially 4WD
drivers.

10. Learn to swerve abruptly.Melbourne is the home of High-Speed Slalom
Driving thanks to VicRoads, which puts potholes in key locations to
test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

11. It is traditional in Melbourne to honk your horn at cars that don't
move the instant the light changes.

12. Remember that the goal of every Melbourne driver is to get there first -
by whatever means necessary.

13. Real Melbourne women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye make-up
at 75 kph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

14. Real Melbourne men drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at 75kph in
bumper-to-bumper traffic.

15. It's OK to cut off fully loaded semi-trailers, road trains and buses
because they have brakes.

16. Always anticipate oncoming traffic while driving down a one way street.

17. It's okay when driving in Melbourne's Western suburbs to air your
grievances at bad drivers by giving the "one finger salute" while
screaming out "arsehole". But it is imperative you are driving a turbo
charged 5 litre V8 with a crowbar in your lap.

18. When driving in Melbourne there is the mandatory law stating you MUST
straddle both lanes when stopped at the lights, thus ensuring no other
driver can get away first.

Didn't find any rules for the other capitals. Bound to be one for Canberra!!!

bill
AnswerID: 628195

Follow Up By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Oct 18, 2019 at 11:25

Friday, Oct 18, 2019 at 11:25
Sounds like Perth!

Dunc
Make sure you give back more than you take

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1
FollowupID: 902498

Follow Up By: RobynR4 - Friday, Oct 25, 2019 at 20:50

Friday, Oct 25, 2019 at 20:50
...and I thought it was Sydney!!
0
FollowupID: 902607

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Oct 18, 2019 at 09:16

Friday, Oct 18, 2019 at 09:16










bill
AnswerID: 628196

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Oct 18, 2019 at 10:12

Friday, Oct 18, 2019 at 10:12
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:
'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep.
Please, may I come with him tomorrow ?'

Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 628198

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Oct 18, 2019 at 10:22

Friday, Oct 18, 2019 at 10:22












Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 628199

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Oct 18, 2019 at 15:54

Friday, Oct 18, 2019 at 15:54
You would think that out of the 568 views to date, someone would know a joke they could contribute.

At least one person.....

bill

You only have to ask !!!
AnswerID: 628204

Reply By: Member - MIKE.G - Friday, Oct 18, 2019 at 17:30

Friday, Oct 18, 2019 at 17:30
AnswerID: 628205

Follow Up By: Frank P (NSW) - Friday, Oct 18, 2019 at 17:36

Friday, Oct 18, 2019 at 17:36
It's gold!
3
FollowupID: 902505

Reply By: Frank P (NSW) - Friday, Oct 18, 2019 at 17:33

Friday, Oct 18, 2019 at 17:33
WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburettor? That's ridiculous "
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburettor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburettor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?
WIFE: "In the pool"
AnswerID: 628206

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Oct 18, 2019 at 18:23

Friday, Oct 18, 2019 at 18:23
My wife has these days when she wants "us to talk about things".

We were discussing aspects of our future so when it was my turn, I asked her
"What will you do if I die before you do?"

After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house-sharing situation
with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself,
since she is so active for her age.

Then she asked me, "What will you do if I die first?"

I replied, "Probably the same thing."


Dunc
Make sure you give back more than you take

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AnswerID: 628207

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Oct 18, 2019 at 18:24

Friday, Oct 18, 2019 at 18:24
Yer I know it's an oldie!!!

A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car. Both of
> their cars are demolished, but amazingly neither of them was hurt.
>
> After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; "Wow, just look
> at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This
> must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live
> together in peace for the rest of our days.”
>
> The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!
>
> The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car
> is completely demolished, but my bottle of 75 year old scotch didn't
> break. Surely God meant for us to drink this vintage delicacy and
> celebrate our good fortune." Then she handed the bottle to the man.
> The man nods his head in agreement, opened it, drank half the bottle
> and then handed it back to the woman.The woman took the bottle,
> immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.
>
> The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
>
> She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."
>
> Some years ago Adam ate the apple. Men will never learn!
Dunc
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AnswerID: 628208

Follow Up By: tim_c - Friday, Oct 25, 2019 at 10:30

Friday, Oct 25, 2019 at 10:30
It must be an oldie - these days he'd be sober again by the time the police showed up.
2
FollowupID: 902587

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