Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Oct 25, 2019 at 09:00
ThreadID: 139231 Views:2376 Replies:11 FollowUps:6
DUBIOUS SAND BAGS AT THE BORDER

Mwangi comes up to the Kenyan border on his bicycle. He has two large bags
over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand" answered Mwangi.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that ... Get off the bike." The guard
takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing
in them but sand. He detains Mwangi overnight and has the sand analysed,
only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Mwangi, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the
man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand" says Mwangi. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers
that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Mwangi,
and Mwangi crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every week for three years.

Finally, Mwangi doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cafe
in Nairobi.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. "It's
driving me crazy. It's all I think about ... I can't sleep ... just between
you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Mwangi sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

bill

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Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Oct 25, 2019 at 09:02

Friday, Oct 25, 2019 at 09:02
AND WHO SAID WOMEN CAN'T FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS..................

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background
checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two
men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your
instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you
will find your wife sitting in a chair, Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out
with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go
home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on
the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from
her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with
blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

bill
AnswerID: 628296

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Oct 25, 2019 at 09:07

Friday, Oct 25, 2019 at 09:07
Fire Authorities in California found a corpse in a burnt out section of
forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male
was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with a dive tank, flippers, and face mask. A post-mortem examination revealed that the person died not from burns but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive
identification.

Investigators then set about determining how a fully clad diver ended up in
the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that, on the day of the fire,
the person went for a diving trip off the coast - some 20 miles away from the forest. The firefighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as
possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large buckets. The
buckets were dropped into the ocean for rapid filling, then flown to the
forest fire and emptied.

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific -
the next he was doing breast-stroke in a fire bucket 300 feet in the air.
[But not for long.]

Apparently, he extinguished exactly 5'10" of the fire.

Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.

bill
AnswerID: 628298

Follow Up By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Oct 25, 2019 at 11:45

Friday, Oct 25, 2019 at 11:45
Never had is diving flag displayed
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Follow Up By: Member - Warren H - Friday, Oct 25, 2019 at 12:08

Friday, Oct 25, 2019 at 12:08
Ha ha, snopes has an amusing title for this story 'corpus-crispy'. A bloke I worked with got a shower from the sky-crane during the 2003 Canberra fires. He was fitting a losing battle with a garden hose, trying to save his grandmother's house, when the sky crane came overhead and dumped a load on him, saved the house and for a few weeks the front garden had a distinct circular green tinge.
Considering green tinges, the daughter of another colleague related this story as part of his eulogy. He had a rather quirky and wry sense of humour, so wanting to demonstrate that their lawn had a nitrogen deficiency, over several days he peed a large N on the grass which of course over time developed an enhanced shade of green. Then there was the time he drilled a tiny hole in the bottom of a tea room glass to create a glass that inextricably dribbled.
I've worked for some characters over time, another former boss was defended in court by Justice Michael Kirby, who at the time was the President of the Sydney Uni student union. He had chewed his tram ticket on the way to uni and when he couldn't produce it, was charged with fare evasion. Must be something about physicists.
NT Pajero
2007 Goldstream Crown

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Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Oct 25, 2019 at 11:49

Friday, Oct 25, 2019 at 11:49
climate change

After our daughter of fifteen years of age was moved to tears by the speech
of Greta Thunberg at the UN the other day, she became angry with our
generation “who had been doing nothing for thirty years.”

So, we decided to help her prevent what the girl on TV announced of “massive
eradication and the disappearance of entire ecosystems.”

We are now committed to give our daughter a future again, by doing our part
to help cool the planet four degrees.

From now on she will go to school on a bicycle, because driving her by car
costs fuel, and fuel puts emissions into the atmosphere. Of course it will
be winter soon and then she will want to go by bus, but only as long as it
is a diesel bus

Somehow, it does not seem to be conducive to ‘helping the Climate’.

Of course, she is now asking for an electric bicycle, but we have shown her
the devastation caused to the areas of the planet as a result of mining for
the extraction of Lithium and other minerals used to make batteries for
electric bicycles, so she will be pedaling, or walking. Which will not harm
her, or the planet. We used to cycle and walk to school too.

Since the girl on TV demanded “we need to get rid of our dependency on
fossil fuels” and our daughter agreed with her, we have disconnected the
heat vent in her room. The temperature is now dropping to twelve degrees in
the evening, and will drop below freezing in the winter, we have promised to
buy her an extra sweater, hat, tights, gloves and a blanket.

For the same reason we have decided, from now on she only takes a cold
shower. She will wash her clothes by hand, with a wooden washboard, because
the washing machine is simply a power consumer and since the dryer uses
natural gas, she will hang her clothes on the clothes line to dry.

Speaking of clothes, the ones she currently has are all synthetic, so made
from petroleum. Therefore on Monday, we will bring all her designer clothing
to the secondhand shop.

We have found an eco store where the only clothing they sell is made from
undyed and unbleached linen, wool and jute.

It shouldn’t matter if it looks good on her, or if she is going to be
laughed at, dressing in colorless, bland clothes and without a wireless bra,
but it’s the price she has to pay for the benefit of The Climate.

Cotton is out of the question, as it comes from distant lands and pesticides
are used for it. Very bad for the environment.

We just saw on her Instagram and she’s pretty angry with us. This was not
our intention.

From now on, at 7 p.m. we will turn off the WiFi and we will only switch it
on again the next day after dinner for two hours. In this way we will save
on electricity, so she is not bothered by electro-stress and will be totally
isolated from the outside world.
This way, she can concentrate solely on her homework. At eleven o’clock in
the evening we will pull the breaker to shut the power off to her room, so
she knows now, dark is really dark. It will save a lot of CO2.

She will no longer be participating in winter sports to ski lodges and
resorts, nor will she be going on anymore vacations with us, because our
vacation destinations are practically inaccessible by bicycle.

Since our daughter fully agrees with the girl on TV, CO2 emissions and
footprints of her great-grandparents are to blame for ‘killing our planet’,
what all this simply means, she also has to live like her great-grandparents
and they never had a holiday, a car or even a bicycle.

We haven’t talked about the carbon footprint of food yet.

Zero CO2 footprint means no meat, no fish and no poultry, but also no meat
substitutes based on soy (after all, soy grows in farmers fields, farmers
use machinery to harvest the beans, trucks to transport to the processing
plants, where more energy is used, then trucked to the packaging/canning
plants, and trucked once again to the stores) and also no imported food,
because of the negative ecological effect. And absolutely no chocolate from
Africa, no coffee from South America and no tea from Asia.

Only homegrown potatoes, vegetables and fruit grown in local cold soil,
because greenhouses run on boilers, piped in CO2 and artificial light.
Apparently, these things are also bad for The Climate. We will teach her how
to grow her own food.

Bread is still possible, but butter, milk, cheese and yogurt, cottage cheese
and cream come from cows and they emit CO2. No more margarine and no oils
will be used for the frying pan, because fat is palm oil from plantations in
Borneo where rain forests first grew.

No ice cream in the summer. No soft drinks and no energy drinks, as the
bubbles are CO2. She wanted to lose some pounds, well, this will help her
achieve her goal too.

We will also ban all plastic, because it comes from chemical factories.
Everything made of steel and aluminum must also be removed.
Have you ever seen the amount of energy a blast furnace consumes or an
aluminum smelter? Uber bad for the climate!

We will replace her 9600 coil, memory foam pillow top mattress, with a jute
bag filled with straw,with a horse hair pillow.

And finally, she will no longer be using makeup, soap, shampoo, cream,
lotion, conditioner, toothpaste and medication. Her sanitary napkins will be
replaced with pads made of linen, and she can wash them by hand, with her
wooden washboard, just like her female ancestors did before climate change
made her angry at us for destroying her future.

In this way we will help her to do her part to prevent mass extinction,
water levels rising and the disappearance of entire ecosystems.

If she truly believes she wants to walk the talk of the girl on TV, she will
gladly accept and happily embrace her new way of life.

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Follow Up By: Malcom M - Friday, Oct 25, 2019 at 12:10

Friday, Oct 25, 2019 at 12:10
I don't understand why Greta Thunberg had to sail to the USA to attend the UN meeting.
Surely she could have walked on water.
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Follow Up By: RMD - Friday, Oct 25, 2019 at 13:14

Friday, Oct 25, 2019 at 13:14
Malcom M
Greta only walks on water when she is told to by George Soros, and she is then schooled to do so by her parents.
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Follow Up By: b1b - Friday, Oct 25, 2019 at 18:23

Friday, Oct 25, 2019 at 18:23
Thanks Bill - that is brilliant.
b1b
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Follow Up By: Member - DingoBlue(WA) - Friday, Oct 25, 2019 at 19:05

Friday, Oct 25, 2019 at 19:05
Apparently they had to fly in a crew to return the yacht
Rather a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy!

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Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Oct 25, 2019 at 12:06

Friday, Oct 25, 2019 at 12:06
Dogs Are Not Allowed On Beach Due To Possibility That They Might Make A Mess



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Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Oct 25, 2019 at 12:39

Friday, Oct 25, 2019 at 12:39
Dave allen

https://youtu.be/Qx6hAQmR1fg

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Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Oct 25, 2019 at 12:54

Friday, Oct 25, 2019 at 12:54
THE CHECKUP

There were three women who were at the gynaecologist having pre-natal checkups the doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived?"
"He was on top ", she replied.
"You will have a boy!" the doctor exclaimed.
The second woman was asked the same question.
"I was on top ", was the reply.
"You will have a baby girl, “said the doctor.
With this, the third women, a blonde, burst into tears.
"What's the matter?" asked the doc.
"Am I going to have puppies?”.....
AnswerID: 628304

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Oct 25, 2019 at 12:56

Friday, Oct 25, 2019 at 12:56
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to
"Where do pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day.
Now we do not see you any more.
We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you,
so that you will love me even when you cannot see me.
Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be,
This new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom
and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.
" And God said, " I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted. And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said,
"Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride.
They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration.
Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.

" And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are.
The companion will remind them of their limitations,
so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.
" And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes,
they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased and Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a crap one way or the other.
AnswerID: 628305

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Oct 25, 2019 at 12:59

Friday, Oct 25, 2019 at 12:59
An Obituary printed in the London Times - not a joke and makes you think

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has
been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old
he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in
bureaucratic red tape.. He will be remembered as having
cultivated such valuable lessons as:

Knowing when to come in out of the rain; Why the
early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial
policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and
reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when
well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set
in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a
classmate; teens suspended from school for using
mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired
for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked
teachers for doing the job that they themselves had
failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required
to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an
Aspirin to a student; but could
not inform parents when a student became pregnant and
wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches
became businesses; and criminals received better
treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't
defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the
burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after
a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee
was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge
settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents,
Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter,
Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
AnswerID: 628306

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Oct 25, 2019 at 13:03

Friday, Oct 25, 2019 at 13:03
A woman was out golfing one day, when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her,'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said,'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'

The woman said, 'That's okay.'

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.
The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman, and he will have eyes only for me.'
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.'
The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'

Moral of the story:

Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : this is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers : The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen.. now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love.
AnswerID: 628307

Reply By: BobR4 - Friday, Oct 25, 2019 at 14:48

Friday, Oct 25, 2019 at 14:48
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Reply By: Member - Tony H (touring oz) - Friday, Oct 25, 2019 at 14:52

Friday, Oct 25, 2019 at 14:52
My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either.
If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
Oooh the pharmacist says, "Well, you better stay off your bicycle for about a week."
Insanity doesnt run in my family.... it gallops!

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