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Friday funny from USA

Submitted: Saturday, Sep 04, 2004 at 04:19

Member - Bruce (San Diego)

Dear Friends,

My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have
outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled
in a Lifetime movie in the near future. Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my
fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought
something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary
and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I
came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip.

For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a
less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an
assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you
flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time
to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb.
Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering,
goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've
never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way
too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin'
directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would
not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for
effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it
against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting
back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did
so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!!
Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet
to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There
I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little
soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I
must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was
going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did
want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I
wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time...

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer
in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly
make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the
while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than
3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy,
bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" --trust me,
but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those
of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm
sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as
to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a
tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking
under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a
one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is
like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad
decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't
ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
**************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in
through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed
me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side
in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found,
soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position.
Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it
again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one
note of caution.
There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're
not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't
dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was
a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had
left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the
mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh
and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up
with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or
two, I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm
offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if
I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.

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ThreadID: 16018 Replies: 10
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AnswerID: 75101   Submitted: Saturday, Sep 04, 2004 at 07:31

Lone Wolf replied:

Bugger!!

Now I'm gonna have to write something EVEN BETTER than that..... and it ain't gonna be easy!!

That is just sooooooo bloody funny........

Good work.

Years ago, we used to be able to but those pretend packs of cards from the Royal Show, and when you open them, you got a shock.....

What's the chances of buying another gun....... and sending it to me....... LOL!!

Very good story, yarn, truth..... whatever........... gonna be a while before anyone tops that.

Cheers

Wolf with testicles........
Reply 1 of 10
AnswerID: 75104   Submitted: Saturday, Sep 04, 2004 at 08:18

Al & Mrs Al (Vic) replied:

Bruce,

that was the best morning read I've had in a long while....sure beats all the gloom and doom in the world....

thanks for sharing....

hope you find your tesiticles...though...I think they're probably orbiting the earth, we'll probably hear in the news over the weekend that 2 new comets have been discovered.......and handsome ones at that !... :)

cheers

Lyn

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Reply 2 of 10
FollowupID: 334908   Submitted: Saturday, Sep 04, 2004 at 08:39

Bonz (Vic) posted:

hahahah handsome ones, hahahahahahaha

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AnswerID: 75105   Submitted: Saturday, Sep 04, 2004 at 08:23

Member - Jack replied:

You may need to test it again to make sure it has sufficient battery power in the future.

Jack
All power corrupts, but we need the electricity.
Reply 3 of 10
AnswerID: 75108   Submitted: Saturday, Sep 04, 2004 at 09:27

Big Kidz (Andrew & Jen) replied:

Now there is a muscle called the cremaster muscle - and it might have done a spasm too and forced your testicles up into the inguinal canal. They might be hiding up in the groin.

What you can do is go to one of those carwash sites that have those industrial vacuum cleaners for cleaning your car. Set it to the 'strong' setting and apply the nozzle to the region that the testicles previously resided.

If there is any movement removed the nozzle with great haste or at least make sure the diameter of the said testicle is greater than the diameter of the nozzle.

Good luck no nads
Yes - Luke's got a bigger one than me
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Reply 4 of 10
FollowupID: 335165   Submitted: Monday, Sep 06, 2004 at 22:53

Member - Roachie (SA) posted:

Andrew,
dunno whether you shoulda suggested that....Bruce is just the sorta bloke who'll try it....LOL
The other option would have been to go to his nearest golf course and straddle their ball washer......but then again, maybe not......you've gotta have balls to hang into the recepticle before you can wash em. But they are good for scrotum stretching by all accounts. hahaha

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AnswerID: 75122   Submitted: Saturday, Sep 04, 2004 at 11:16

Member - Brian (Gold Coast) replied:

Bruce, Bruce, Bruce,
......................................
What an absolute brilliant tale!!!! You poor bugger!!! I can't believe you actually thought it wouldn't hurt!!! LOL.... 100,000 Volts????? even at low amps iT's gonna fry ya b**ls!!!!
Hope ya find them testy's matey!!!!!!!!!

ROTFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My Chrissy Prezzy
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Reply 5 of 10
AnswerID: 75142   Submitted: Saturday, Sep 04, 2004 at 15:13

Moneypit replied:

Bruce,

I've had a prick of a week and to laugh so hard that my stomach hurts was real good. First time I've done that in a long time. Had tears streaming down my face.

I have a serious dislike of cats and I was hoping Gracie was gonna be the victim [and no, before the cat lovers howl me down I don't advocate cruelty to any animals] but even that would not have been as funny.

Dave B
Reply 6 of 10
AnswerID: 75149   Submitted: Saturday, Sep 04, 2004 at 16:54

eerfree replied:

Bruce

Rainy Saturday afternoon here but that post has made it a real hoot ,three tissues an ache in the belly and a severe twitch in my right thigh!!!!
Reply 7 of 10
AnswerID: 75162   Submitted: Saturday, Sep 04, 2004 at 17:43

Member - Ed. C. replied:

I just WANT ONE!!!! (and I want it RIGHT NOW!!!) LOL...
Be real handy in them crowded shopping centres where inconsiderate folk like to congregate right at the (off) end of the escalators.... (yeah, I know... Just jokin')

Great yarn Bruce... ROTFLMFAO!!!!... So, um, any chance you can, like, um, arrange, like, you know, a um, "bulk purchase" ???

Regards, Ed. C.

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Reply 8 of 10
AnswerID: 75183   Submitted: Sunday, Sep 05, 2004 at 00:46

rolande replied:

Bruce,
At the end of a long and stressfull week it is good to know people such as yourself are out there to bring us all back from the insanity that is daily life. I had to wait 15 minutes before replying as I could not see the keyboard for the tears streaming down my face.
Thank-you
rolande
Reply 9 of 10
AnswerID: 75372   Submitted: Monday, Sep 06, 2004 at 19:12

Baz (NSW) replied:

Only in America !!!!!! that is the funniest story i've heard in a long time, maybe you could get a massage in the groin if they are hiding up there they might come out.
ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Baz.
Reply 10 of 10