Member - Jiarna (SA) replied:

Confucious say, "It take many nails to build crib, and one screw to fill it".

Member- Starky replied:

Scotsman named Cam goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for a
tooth extraction. "$85 for an extraction sir." was the dentist's reply.
"Och... huv ye no got anythin' cheaper?" replies Cam getting agitated.
"But that's the normal charge for an extraction sir." said the dentist.
"What about if ye din't use any anesthetic?" asked Cameron hopefully.
"Well it's highly unusual sir, could be quite painful, but if that's
what you want, I suppose I can do it for $70." said the dentist.
"Hmmmm, what about if yer used one of your dentist trainees and still
without anesthetics?" asked Cam.
"Well it's possible, but they are only training, and I can't guarantee
their level of professionalism, and it'll be a lot more painful. I suppose in that
case we can bring the price down to say $40." said the dentist.
"Och... that's still a bit much, how about if ye make it a trainin'
session and have yer student do the extraction and the other students watchin' and
learnin'?" asked Cam hopefully.
"Hmmmmm, well OK it'll be good for the students I suppose, I'll charge
you only $5 in that case." said the dentist.
"Now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal." said Cam.
"Can you confirm an appointment for the wife on Tuesday?"

Bros replied:

G'day all,
A man staggers into a hospital with concussion, multiple bruises, black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asked him what happened.

"Well i was having a quiet round of golf with the wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into an adjoining cow paddock.

We went to look for them, and while i was looking around i noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

I walked over, lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cows butt.

That's when i made my big mistake.

I lifted the cows tail and yelled to my wife, 'hey, this looks like yours!' I.don't remember much after that........."
Cheers,
Bros.

Member - rengatt (VIC) replied:

The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the Australian Government's Youth Opportunity scheme and employ people from Frankston. The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from the Frankston area were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of euros worth of high-tech equipment. John Howard went on record as saying this was a bold move by the Ferrari management, which demonstrated the international recognition of Australia's employment practices under his Liberal government. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari now have an advantage over every team. However, Ferrari may have got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, the Frankston pit crew successfully changed the tyres in under 6 seconds, and then within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for a slab of VB, a kilogram of speed and some photos of Montoya's girlfriend in the shower.

rengatt

Savvas replied:

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in
the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the
world."

They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their
claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's
official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world,"

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the
smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply stated,
"Who is Camilla Parker Bowles?"

**********************************************************

Corporate Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel
and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next
door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to
drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel
and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800
dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back
upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit
and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent
avoidable exposure.

Corporate Lesson 2:

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing
her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun
said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once
again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry
sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her
way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss
a great opportunity.

Corporate Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The
Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first!
Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a
speedboat, without a care in the world" Poof! She's gone. "Me next!
Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach
with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of
my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Corporate Lesson 4:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him,
"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow
answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow,
and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very high up.

Corporate Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to Get to the
top of that tree," sighed the turkey,but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and
found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the
tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the
top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of
the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshlt might get you to the top, but it won't keep you
there.

Black Jack replied:

To Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the
new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of
space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in
the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and
launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other
system activity.

Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and
Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever
selected.

I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run
some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to
Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on the program.

Can you help me please!!!

Thanks,

Mike

**************

Dear Mike:

This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a
primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0
with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run
everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still
convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system
would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is
impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program
files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend
7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0, but end up with
more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under
"Warning-Alimony/Child Support".

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having
Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest that you read the entire
section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPF's). You must assume all
responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their
cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command:

C:\APOLOGIZE

In any case, avoid excessive use of the ESC key because ultimately you
will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will
return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame
for all the GPF's.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying
additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend,
Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0.

DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3.
This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause
irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,

Tech Support