Member - Bernard replied:

FOLLOWED BY ...

Foot in Mouth....

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!"

Her face was beaming. He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before.

Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children! "

Then he got a little panicky." I don't remember her," he thought but, MAYBE....during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in
college, perhaps he did father her child!

He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"

"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's second grade teacher!"

Nudenut replied:

He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in
it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I
sit on the sofa.

He said . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . . . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

Lone Wolf replied:

You'll never look at lollies the same way again!!

It was a White Knight, and Mr Cadbury and Ms Rowntree were on a river cruise, they met on the Top Deck,  It was After Eight. She was from Quality Street; he was an Old Jamaican.

They walked hand in hand down Milky Way and around the Family Block.
They stopped in at the Mars Bar, he had a Rum & Butter and she had a Wine Gum. She asked if he could pass her a Coaster, He said "Sure... Take 5 ". They Decided to leave as the music was too loud, as neither of them liked M&M.

On the way out he bought her some Roses, she said they were her Favourites. They walked down to his sports car, it was a Red Ferrero. He made some small talk, and tried to make out like he was a Smartie. She spoke a little but didn't say much as she didn't want to Polly Waffle on.

He suggested they should go somewhere quiet. She said if you play your cards right you might get lucky aftertea. He replied, After Dinner?.. Mint! " At this point he knew she was Cherry Ripe!

He asked her name. "Polo, I'm the one with the hole", she said. "And I'm the one with the Nuts", he thought. Then he touched her Milky Bars. They felt Smooth & Creamy. He thought to himself, They'll definitely melt in your mouth & not in your hand. He told her that he had a King Size Bar, but she thought he might just be telling Fantales.

They checked into a Motel and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand down into her Snickers and felt her Kit Kat.  She started to play with his Fruit & Nuts, but then she said "Stop!" He thought she was a Malteaser, But he still wanted to Jaff-er. So he showed her his Curly Wurly.

Ms Rowntree wasn't keen to have any more Jelly
Babies, so she let him take  a trip down the Bourneville Boulevard instead. He thought this was Fantastic, as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a Magic Moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.

When he finished, his Fun Sized Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted Moro but he needed to take Time Out. However, he did notice her Pink Wafers looked very appetising...So he did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet and gave her a Gob Stopper.

He was exhausted, so he rolled over for a Flake. Unfortunately Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.
Sadly, he was soon to discover he had caught V.D.

It turns out Ms Rowntree had been with All Sorts!!.

Member - Tonester (VIC) replied:

Good-Bad-Worse...

Bad: You can't find your vibrator. Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.
Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room. Worse: You're in it.
Bad: Your children are sexually active. Worse: With each other.
Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser. Worse: He looks better than you.
Bad: Your son's involved in Satanism. Worse: As a sacrifice.
Bad: Your wife wants a divorce. Worse: She's a lawyer.
Bad: Your wife's leaving you. Worse: For another woman.
Bad: Your wife's leaving you. Worse: To enter a convent.
Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting. Worse: She implicates you.
Good: Hot outdoor sex. Bad: You're arrested. Worse: By your husband.
Good: The postman's early. Bad: He's wearing camos and has an AK-47.
Good: The secretary said "yes." Bad: Your wife says "no."
Good: The teacher likes your son. Bad: Sexually. Worse: He's gay.
Good: You came home for a quickie. Bad: So did the postman.
Good: You came home for a quickie. Bad: Your wife walks in.
Good: You get a three-day weekend. Bad: You get the flu on Friday.
Good: You get tickets to the theatre. Bad: It's performance art.
Good: You go to see a strip show. Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.
Good: Your boyfriend's exercising. Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.
Good: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas." Bad: For real.
Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right". Bad: Your son, that is.
Good: Your daughter's on the Pill. Bad: She's eleven.
Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude. Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.
Good: Your son's doing extra credit work. Bad: Making a sex ed video.
Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune. Bad: It's counterfeit.
Good: Your wife bought a porn video. Bad: Your daughter's the star.
Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex. Bad: You live downtown.
Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude. Bad: She's coming home.
Good: Your wife's kinky. Bad: With the neighbors. Worse: All of them.

Member - Mozza (NSW) replied:

The Elevator

An Islander boy and his father were visiting the city. They were amazed by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is".
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son ..................................

"Go get your mother"

Member - iMusty (VIC) replied:

Reclaim your posture

I have been fortunate to be offered an amazing 'sitting position' from a confidential location overseas.

This is a genuine GROUND FLOOR opportunity.

No! It is not Amway or Sun-rider or anything like that.

The Position® as well as being a scientific breakthrough is a gift from the leader of a (not for publication. Name withheld) tribe in the Northern Hemisphere. Forgive me for my overly cautious behavior but secrecy is of paramount importance here, as a breakthrough in this area has not been made for literally thousands of years.

I personally have not seen the position in Australia or in any other country in the world. And believe me I was a skeptic at first and I swore that I would find a comfier way to relax. And tirelessly I admit I was wrong, I did not.

Testimonials

“After the first time I sat in this position “my eyesight returned to 20/20 after only 12 minutes of sitting in this most sumptuous position.

“I was simply amazed. My sex life improved threefold and my income skyrocketed” says one lucky sitter

The main fellow I had helping me when I initiated negotiations to bring this position here to Australia “snuck a peek” at the first facsimile communiqué and was overheard later saying to his old mum “I simply did not know that this level of comfort was available to the average man in the street, I’m coming over this evening to share this with dad, It’s the only way I know how to proclaim to him that I love him”.

It's usually a closely guarded secret of the rich and influential that gets all the perks, but the position can be used in all environments that’s why I thought I’d offer it here to my traveling friends first, because there is nothing like being truly relaxed after a long day on the move. It needs no special equipment and you do not even need all you own limbs.

For a totally life changing fast acting, affordable relief and a truly effective defense against the formidably predestined ghastly effects of ageing and moisture loss,

It’s not going to take away from your life it going to add to it. Unlike other systems available today this sitting position® is suitable for both Men and women. See the incredible results. Own them for life. Give them to you children.

Others have said…

I had to try it for myself and I am hooked
It made a 63 year old lady happier
The next 30 days are going to pass and you can feel comfortable or not. You choose.
Back pain WAS unbearable
Reduce the appearance of veins
New and improved & Address all issues
Relaxes the body and works wonders
Mystery now solved
Works against the ageing process
I personally didn’t believe it but now I am an advocate.
Well known celebrities put their names on the line.

Where can I buy one of these was the unrelenting question, will it involve waiting rooms? Does it come with a matching lying position? What about a position of authority? I have always wanted one of those.

YES YES YES IS THE ANSWER TO ALL THESE QUESTIONS.

You get the amazing sitting position … AND…
A lying position… and
A position of authority … AND
Another position of your choice to give one to a friend

YOU have nothing to loose. That’s right! NOTHING … except your pain

That’s your new sitting position AND a position of Authority AND a gift for a friend for 6 easy payments. Why wait? Why not try it?

Try it for 60 days and if you don’t experience amazing results simply return it if for some reason it does not suit you

If you act now and earmark new position today, we will also include a position of Authority absolutely free!

That’s right FREE !!!

Don’t send any money. We will bill you.

Bonz (Vic) replied:

Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery..........
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately.

The robbers, who expected to find
one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber
said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat."
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding.
The process continued until all safes were opened. They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold.
Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

The newspaper headline read: IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING...

Member - Jack replied:

When Shane Warne and Simone first got married Shane said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."

In all their 10 years of marriage, Simone had never looked.

However, on the afternoon of their 10th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.

She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents.

That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Simone could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"

Shane thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Simone was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened by your behaviour. However, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."

Shane thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later Simone asked Shane, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"

Shane answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling centre and redeemed them for cash."

Member - Ross H (QLD) replied:

When Shane Warne and Simone first got married Shane said, "I am putting
a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their
10 years of marriage, Simone had never looked. However on the afternoon
of their 10th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted
the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and
$81,874.25 in cash..

She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what
was in the box she was doubly curious why there even was such a box with
such contents.

That evening they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After
dinner Simone could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed
saying "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never
looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too
much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep 3 beer cans
in the box?".

Shane thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you
deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an
empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it
again. Simone was shocked but said I am very disappointed and saddened
by your behaviour. However, she thought to herself... I guess 3 times is
not
bad considering his problem...

Shane thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their
peace.

A little while later Simone asked Shane, "So why do you have all that
money in the box?"

Shane answered, "Well whenever the box filled up with empty beer cans I
took them to the recycling centre and redeemed them for cash."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Leb guy walks into the local Centrelink office in Bankstown,
>>>
>>>marches straight up to the counter and says, "Walla man... I hate
>>being
>>>on the dole. I'd really rather have a job bro."
>>>
>>>The clerk behind the Centrelink desk says, "Your timing is
>>>excellent.
>>We
>>>just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
>>>chauffeur/ bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.
>>>
>>>You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all
>>>of
>>>your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
>>You'll
>>>be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.You'll
>>>have
>>a
>>>two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is
>>$200,000
>>>a year".
>>>
>>>
>>>The guy says, "You're bullsh*tting me!"
>>>The Centrelink officer says, "Yeah, well, you started it".

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Lucy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered
over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, she politely asked,
"What are you up to there,Lucy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Lucy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've
just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole
for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Lucy patted down the last heap of earth then replied,"That's because he's
inside your fu*king cat!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nudenut replied:

thats only 24...where's the 25th

Nudenut replied:

True Aussie MALE!!!!



A man had great tickets for the State of Origin Final.
As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting
in the seat next to him. "No", he says. "The seat is empty".

This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have
a seat like this for the State of Origin, the biggest sporting event
in Australia, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was
supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first State of
Origin we haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the
seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."

Des Lexic replied:

A young man stopped to visit his grandparents. He noticed his
grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with
nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for
everyone to see!", he exclaimed.

The old man gazed off into the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the
waist?", he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out
here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's
idea..."

Member - Pezza (QLD) replied:

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a
> long
>>time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a
> true
>>story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a
>>recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the
> Help
>>Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word
>>Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
>>
>>
>>
>>Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now
>
>>I know why they record these conversations!):
>>
>>
>>
>>Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
>>
>>Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
>>
>>Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
>>
>>Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words
>>went
>
>>away."
>>
>>Operator: "Went away?"
>>
>>Caller: "They disappeared."
>>
>>Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
>>
>>Caller: "Nothing."
>>
>>Operator: "Nothing??"
>>
>>Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
>>
>>Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
>>
>>Caller: "How do I tell?"
>>
>>Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
>>
>>Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
>>
>>Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
>>
>>Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I
>
>>type."
>>
>>Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
>>
>>Caller: "What's a monitor?"
>>
>>Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
>>Does
>
>>it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
>>
>>Caller: "I don't know."
>>
>>Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
>>the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
>>
>>Caller: "Yes, I think so."
>>
>>Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
>>plugged
>
>>into the wall.
>>
>>Caller: "Yes, it is."
>>
>>Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there
> were
>>two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
>>
>>Caller: "No."
>>
>>Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
>>find the other cable."
>>
>>Caller: "Okay, here it is."
>>
>>Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
>>the
>
>>back of your computer."
>>
>>Caller: "I can't reach."
>>
>>Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
>>
>>Caller: "No."
>>
>>Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way
>>over??"
>>
>>Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's
>>because it's dark."
>>
>>Operator: "Dark??"
>>
>>Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
> coming
>>in from the window."
>>
>>Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
>>
>>Caller: "I can't."
>>
>>Operator: "No? Why not??"
>>
>>Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
>>
>>Operator: "A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked
>>now.
>
>>Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer
>
>>came in??"
>>
>>Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
>>
>>Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up
>>just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you
>>bought it from."
>>
>>Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
>>
>>Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
>>
>>Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
>>
>>Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a computer
>>