Mr Fawlty replied:

Circumcised - this is priceless!

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was
squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite
embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been
circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to
go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his bleep hanging out."I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said."I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

Member No 1 replied:

for the blondes

Will He Jump

Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a
ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Homer says,"You know, I bet he will jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Homer placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off
of the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Homer, saying, "Fair's fair.
Here's your money."
Homer replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock
news and knew he would jump."
The blonde ! replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again!"

.....................................
man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs
the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just
a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with
love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him
to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the
biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on
curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his
first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent;
then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink
again.

The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head
in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out! The bar goes wild. The father, crying
and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another
drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down,
grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The
bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The
boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the
right... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs
over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in
grief. The bartender sighs and says... "He should have quit while he was a
head!"
....................................................
The Irish Drinker
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness, and
sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. After
finishing all three pints, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint starts going flat after I draw
it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left
home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank
together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and drops the conversation.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he
orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking sips from each of
them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other
regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar
for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your
grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then it dawns on him and he
laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "both of my brothers are fine. I've just quit
drinking!"

Member - Oldplodder (QLD) replied:

I thought the French were going to cut off both fingers used for drawing the bow, hence the 2 fingered english salute, while the yanks got lazy and just use one (or does the single finger come from a European tradition?), which seems to be the accepted norm in Australia now, rather than the two fingers of my youth.

Who can remember the two finger salute?

Churchill was always careful to use the two fingers for victory around the other way (palm towards the other person), but it caught on so quickly because it was an English joke against the Germans, using a two finger salute.

Rotty replied:

When a woman wears leather clothing,
A man's heart beats quicker,
His throat gets dry,
He goes weak in the knees,
And he begins to think irrationally.
Ever wondered why?

Because she smells like a new 4x4!
--------------------------------
A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders hung on the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a dog and a cat. The fire-fighter walks over to take a closer look:

"That's a lovely fire engine,' he says admiringly.

'Thanks,' says the little girl. The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles.

'Little colleague,' says the fire-fighter, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.'

The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says:

'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a f*****g siren, would
I?'

Member No 1 replied:

A man on his way home from work, comes to a dead halt in traffic and thinks to himself, "This traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving."


He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Constable, what's the hold up?"



The constable replies, "It's Eddie McGuire. He's just so depressed about his personal life - the thought of moving with Carla & Joseph to Sydney and the state of disruption amongst his beloved Magpies, Channel 9 losing the football coverage, having to give up The Footy Show, Who wants to be a Millionaire, and his Triple M radio show, that he's stopped his motorcade in the middle of the freeway and he's threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire.

He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the money to pay for
the new house renovations at Point Piper and to bring his current
house in Toorak up to scratch to put it on the market.
We're taking up a collection for him."
"Oh really? How much have you got so far?"
"About three hundred litres, but a lot of people are still
siphoning." ---

Des Lexic replied:

>Dictionary for Decoding Women's Personal Ads:

>

>40-ish ........................ 49.

>Adventurous .............. Slept with everyone.

>Athletic ...................... No breasts

>Average looking .......... Moooo.

>Beautiful .................... Pathological liar.

>Emotionally Secure ... On medication.

>Feminist .................... Fat

>Free spirit .................. Junkie

>Friendship first .......... Former slut.

>New-Age ................... Body hair in the wrong places.

>Old-Fashioned ........... No BJs.

>Open-minded ............. Desperate

>Outgoing ................... Loud and Embarrassing.

>Professional .............. Bitch

>Voluptuous ................ Very Fat

>Large frame ............... Hugely Fat

>Wants soul mate ....... Stalker

>

>WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

>1. Yes = No

>2. No = Yes

>3. Maybe = No

>4. We need = I want

>5. I am sorry - You'll be sorry

>6. We need to talk = you're in trouble

>7. Sure, go ahead = you better not

>8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later

>9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!

>10. You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think

about?

>

>MEN'S ENGLISH:

>

>1. I am hungry = I am hungry

>2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

>3. I am tired = I am tired

>4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

>5. I love you = Let's have sex now

>6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

>7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.

>8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.

>9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.

>10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.

>11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit - I'm gay

>

Sparkiepete replied:

Some Things You Can't Understand

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar
getting hammered. A man came in and asked the
farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this
beautiful day, getting drunk?"

The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some
things you just can't explain."

"So what happened that's so horrible?" the
man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.

"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting
by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket
'bout full, she lifted her left leg and kicked
over the bucket."

"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."

"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer
replied.

"So what happened then?" the man asked.

The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied
it to the post on the left."

"And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk
her. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she
took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."

Man laughed and said, "Again?"

The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't
explain."

"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.

"I took her right leg this time and tied it
to the post on the right."

"And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and began milking her
again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the
stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."

"Hmmm . . . " the man said and nodded his head.

"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer
said.

"So, what did you do?" the man asked.

"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore
rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail
to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell
down and my wife walked in . . .

Some things you just can't explain."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The whole truth

At school Little Tommy was told by a classmate
that most adults are hiding at least one dark
secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail
them by saying, "I know the whole truth."

Little Tommy decided to go home and try it
out. He went home, and as he was greeted by his
mother he said, "I know the whole truth." His
mother quickly handed him $20 and said, "Just
don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waited for his father
to get home from work, and greeted him with,
"I know the whole truth." Tommy's father promptly
handed him $50 and said, "Please don't say a
word to your mother!"

Very pleased, the boy was on his way to school
the next day when he saw the mailman at his front
door. Little Tommy greeted him by saying, "I
know the whole truth."

The mailman immediately dropped the mail, opened
his arms saying, "Then come give your daddy a
big hug."

Member No 1 replied:

a mate sent this....does it really work?

We were trying to save money as the mortgage payments were pretty tough to work with.

I don't drink that much - maybe a slab on the weekends with the boys.

As a cost saving she told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have
to quit. It was tough, but I agreed.

Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up.

And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her.

She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back.

Member - greg S (QLD) replied:

One day three blondes were walking along and came upon a raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do it.
The first blonde prayed to god saying, 'Please God, give me the strength to cross this river' Poof! God gave her big arms and strong legs, and she was able to swim across the river in about 2 hours.
Seeing this, the second blonde prayed to God saying, 'Please give me the strength and ability to cross this river' Poof! God gave her a row boat and she was able to row across the river in about 3 hours.
The third blonde had seen how this worked out for the other two, so she also prayed to God saying, 'Please God give me the strength, ability and intelligence to cross this river. Poof! God turned her into a man. He looked at the map, then walked upstream and across the bridge.

..................................................
Dear Cat Owner

How to bath your cat !!!

1. Thoroughly clean toilet.
2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.
3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom.
4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids and stand on top, so cat cannot escape.
5. The cat will self-agitate and produce ample suds.
(ignore ruckess inside toilet, cat is enjoying this)
6. Flush toilet three or four times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective.
7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids.
8. Clean cat will rocket out of toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry.

Sincerely,
The DOG..

Waiver... My wifes a blonde and we own a cat.

Greg S