AnswerID: 192135 Submitted: Friday, Sep 01, 2006 at 10:53
Member - Ross H (QLD)
replied:
PRICELESS
Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover after the night at a business
function.
He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a
couple
of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And,next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed.
Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly
clean.
So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye
staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the
table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping - Love
you!!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and
the
morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks,
"Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3am, drunk and out of your mind.
You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye
when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a
rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies,
"Oh, THAT!...Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she
tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, bitch,
I'm married!!!".
Broken table - $585.26
Hot breakfast - $15.20
Red Rose bud - $10.00
Two aspirins - $2.00
Saying the right thing, at the right time... Priceless.
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NEVER UPSET A WOMAN!!
You'll love this one!!
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and
suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and
feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of
Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a
few half-eaten shrimp dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain
rods. She replaced the endcaps on the curtain rods, cleaned up the
kitchen, and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the
first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried
everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were
checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners
were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which
they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to
replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped
coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could
not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually, even the local Realtors refused to return
their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the
bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her
the saga of the rotting house.
She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly,
and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for
getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on
price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only
if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the
hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched
the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including
the curtain rods.
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU! ;>)
=====================================================
ANGER MANAGMENT
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Holmes?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear “Get the right f**in number!” and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an ar$ehole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word ' bleep ' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an bleep !" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'ar$ehole' calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telstra. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an bleep !"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first ar$ehole ( I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW ar$ehole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an ar$ehole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two bleep s to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called Ar$ehole #1.
"Hello."
"You're an ar$ehole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
" bleep , I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, ar$ehole," and hung up.
Then I called Ar$ehole #2. "Hello?" he said.
"Hello, ar$ehole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your arse," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, ar$ehole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two ar$eholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.
NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works.
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