Fridee Funnee.........It's that time of the week.........

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

Three Blokes

Three blokes -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an Australian
engineer -- are working together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes total," saystheGenie.

The Canadian says,
"I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm.
I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

Pooooof!

With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made
fertile for farming.

Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said,
"I want a wall around Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews
or Australians can come into our precious state."

Pooooof!
Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Australian engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country.
Nothing can get in or out -- it's completely impenetrable."
The Australian engineer says, Fill it with f***in' water"

Avoid if offended by 'black humour'

It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife
are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokesabout
her false leg. Personally, I think it's prosthetic.

News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his
wife Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be
distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long"!

She said in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened,
I'm really stumped"

"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she
will need all the support she can get. It's not like its easy to walk
out on a relationship like this"

After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he would ever
consider going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer it if
we called her Heather.

It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the
marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world, and if
an agreement has been signed it is believed that she won't have a leg to
stand on.

Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may
have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to
get her leg over".

Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the
cause. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get
home at night and find her legless"

Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present
that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic
leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler.

A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate
"I'm stuffed, who will want a one legged gold digger?" His mate says
"try Paul McCartney"

Finally a poem by Sir Paul McCartney:

I lay upon a grassy bank
My hands were all a quiver
I slowly removed her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river

These jokes are funny but lets spare a thought for Paul please. Now she
has left him, he's going to struggle to find another woman who can fill
her shoe.

Spose you've all seen this one.....
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was
determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she
placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for
The job.
One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided
to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house
than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day
and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and
the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and
the ranch looks great.
You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed
and went into town on Saturday night.

He returned around 2:30am, and upon entering the room, he found the
rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for
him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by
her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her
eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told
and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said:
"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"

While driving through Texas, a lawyer runs a stop sign and gets
pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.

Deputy says," License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

Post no. 38855 reminds me of a slogan that I saw on the back of a septic tank truck. ` We are number one in two`s ` Regards G.T.