George (NT) replied:

Penile, or is it Senile jokes from old farts?.....hahahahahaha. Yer disgusting Uncle Des!!!!!

Cheers

Willem, (on George's computer)

MartyB replied:

The last one is for all the golfers out there!!!!


THE 2007 DARWIN AWARDS

In case you don't know the Darwin Awards are an annual honour given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.

Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.

And the nominees this year, in reverse order, are: ..........

7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting dr unk cheaply because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home dead of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow tube approx. 30" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was, for reasons unknown, inserted into his rectum and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.

5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

4. A 22-year-old, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground" Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."

3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized

2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in West Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.

AND THE WINNER.....(ouch....)

1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his balls in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's balls in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for him , the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and his balls were the weakest link. Sanchez's balls ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome was asked to leave the course.

Note: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die.
But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed it.

MartyB replied:

Mystery Solved

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking
and thought 'How on earth did I get home?'
As hard as you try, you can't piece together your return journey from the
pub, or that party, to your house.
The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter.
The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the
drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of liquor. Bacchus has acquired a large
batch of these magical devices.
The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion:-
The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness at this point the
"slurring gland? begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many
sub-contractors will detect this pheromone and send down a magical Beer
Scooter.
The scooter scoops up the passenger, and deposits them in their bedroom via
a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of
the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second
question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?'
Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are said to be
responsible for over 90% of all Unidentified Drinking Injuries(UDI.
An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time
segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates
that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a third
question after a night out 'What the hell happened?'
With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing
Moments In Time)add on, that automatically removes,in descending order,
those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not
necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained in
discussions and comparisons over a future period of time.
Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the
scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to
the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences.
With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter
drive-thru food chain specialising in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts.
Another question answered!!
For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from
other people's gardens and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots
are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the
stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity
springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS
(Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.
The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is the
TAS(Tobacco Absorption System. This explains how one person can apparently
get through 260 Camel No Filters in a single night.
PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get
home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.