Laura aka diver 1 replied:

You beat me once again Zev...but what on earth were you doing up at 4.30!!!!

The 11th Husband....

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"

"Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........ OH God I miss him.

" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

"Your're with the "GOVERNMENT"..
THIS TIME !!!! I KNOW I'M GONNA GET
SCREWED



WICO
(Women In Charge Of Everything)

Is proud to announce the opening of its
EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
ALL ARE WELCOME

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE;
DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK
OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place
Instead of turning the house upside down while screaming -
Open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS;
DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH;
BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY
AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS;
BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN
YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES
& CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT;
LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counselors available


Have a good day all and hope i havent done a major squence of insults...LOL !!!

Kiwi

QLD Kev replied:

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on
her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

""Nice bike"" the cop said. ""Did Santa bring it to you ?""

""Yep the little girl said, ""he sure did !""

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a
safety violation and said :
"Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it.""

The young girl looked up at the cop and said,
""Nice horse you've got there sir. Did Santa bring it to you?."

""Yes he sure did,." chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said,
""Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.""

Laura aka diver 1 replied:

Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand .. And "lollipop" is the longest word typed with your right hand. (Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't you?)

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
(?Are you doubting this?)


Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.
(Now, you KNOW you're going to try this out for accuracy, right?)

The words 'racecar,'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
(Yep, I knew you were going to "do" this one.)

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
(You're not doubting this, are you?)

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
(Yes, admit it, you are going to say, a e i o u)

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
(All you typists are going to test this out)

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
(Some days that's about what my memory span is.)

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.
(I know some people that could do this too.!)

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors .

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
(Good thing he did that.)

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Now you know more than you did before!

QLD Kev replied:

A Greek parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before speeding off.

More than a little distraught, the Greek grabs his mobile and calls
the police. Five minutes later, the police arrive.

Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the Greek starts screaming hysterically: "My Porsche, my beautiful black Porsche is ruined. No matter how long at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!"

After the Greek finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his
head in disgust: "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Greeks are," he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."

"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?", snaps the Greek.

The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you."

The Greek looks down in absolute horror "BLOODY HELL!!!!!! he
screams........
"Where's my Rolex ????..."

Member - Smithy (VIC) replied:

Recently, while going through an airport during one of his
many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long
gray hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, and holding
a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said,
"Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?"
The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight
ahead. The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice.
The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the
PresidentThe president pulled a Secret Service agent
aside and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, "Am I
crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you?"

The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed.
"Well," said the president, "every time I say his name, he
ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak.
Watch!" Again thepresident yelled, "Moses!" and again the
man ignored him.
The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white
robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you
Moses?"
The man leaned over and whispered back, "Yes, I am Moses.
However, the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years
wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to
the only spot in the entire Middle East where there is no oil."

Member - Wilgadene (QLD) replied:

Q: How many women withPMT does it take to change a light bulb?

Woman's Answer: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP ORCARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE!AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL!!

I'm sorry. What was the question?

Member - Borgy.. (SA) replied:

A Guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the
counter and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He
guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He
approaches the bartender and asks. 'What's up with the jar?'
'Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all
the money.' The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.
'What are the three tests?'
Pay first, those are the rules.' says the bartender. So the
man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the
jar. 'OK,' the bartender says. Here's what you need to do:
First, You have to drink that entire gallon of pepper
tequila, the whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a
face while doing it. Second,There's a pit bull chained up
out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth
with your bare hands. Third. There's a 90 year old woman
upstairs who has never reached> satisfaction during
intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her.' The
man is stunned. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot,
I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of
pepper tequila, and then do those other things...'
'Your call,' says the bartender, 'but your money stays where
it is.' As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a
few more, he asks, 'Wherez zat tequila?'
He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big
slurp. Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make
a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is
chained up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge,
noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull
barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then
silence. Just when they think the man surely must be dead,
he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and
large bloody scratches all over his body.
'Now,' he says ....... 'Where's the old woman with the sore
tooth?' ************************

Pajman Pete (SA) replied:

True Story

We had a big storm go through Adelaide over last weekend.

On Wednesday my maintenance technican was checking out a report of a water leak from a skylight in the toilets at one of my buildings.

He and the cleaner were standing under the skylight trying to see where the leak was coming from and commenting how nice and clean the grey plastic in the opening was. Then it started raining again and they both got wet!

The complete skylight had gone (they later found bits in the gardens). The clean grey plastic was the overcast clouds.

Cheers

Pete

kev.h replied:

Mick the local Irishman is sitting in the pub and just as he finishes his beer and puts his glass down the barman walks past notices Mick's finished his drink and says "I see your glass is empty Mick, would you like another?" to this Mick replies "What use would two empty glasses be to a man!"

96 GXL 80 series replied:

Kev, just imagine you and DougT on the booze at midday, christ you two are argumentative enough now without extra drinking time.

Give them both away and take up being a Minister or something.

QLD Kev replied:

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT


The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endother! mic (abs orbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.



Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.



This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+!

Member - Luke (SA) replied:

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.

Each day, they noticed that the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early.


The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick work-out at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.

Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently she closed the door and crept out of her house.


The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

'No way,' the blonde exclaimed. 'I almost got caught yesterday.'