Kiwi & "Mahindra" replied:

wow JD....just you and me so far!!!!!

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered
"Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo."
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day on the
job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, "OK, so how
many sales did you make today?"
The Aussie said "One!"
The manager groaned and continued, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or
30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

"124,237 pounds 65 p"

The manager choked and exclaimed "124,237 pounds 65 p!! What the hell did
you sell him?"

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then
I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing
and he said down at the coast,so I told him he would need a boat, so we went
down to the boat departmentand I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then
he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took himdown to
car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here
to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?"

"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend
and I said......... Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as WELL GO FISHING

Kumunara (NT) replied:

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke. And well worth the wait!

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican! Opened his lunch box and exclaimed,'
Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time
I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,

'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.'

Jred replied:

Lines from comedian George Carlin

1. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
2. Swimming is not a sport; swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!
3. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
4. Have you ever noticed that their stuff is bleep , and your bleep is stuff?
5. If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
6. Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
7. If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
8. It's never just a game when you're winning.
9. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."
10. The reason I talk to myself is because I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
11. Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man...living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
12. Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
13. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
14. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
16. As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
17. The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
18. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
19. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
20. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
21. I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
22. Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
23. Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see: "We are the proud parents of a child who's self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car."
24. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
25. Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
26. Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
27. If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
28. What year did Jesus think it was?
29. George Washington's brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
30. Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It's because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
31. In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
32. Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. Then you're just what they're looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
33. People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there, buddy?
34. Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.
35. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
36. I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
37. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
38. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
39. So far, this is the oldest I've been.
40. Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
41. When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn't a lof worth paying attention to.
42. The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren't quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
43. I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
44. If the cops didn't see it, I didn't do it!
45. Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people's stuff.
46. I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
47. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
48. Life is a zero sum game.
49. I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it.
50. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Member - kevin Y (SA) replied:

that silly day of the week has arrived bewdy

Member - Michael J (SA) replied:

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs
to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few
questions."He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and
then asks, "What's your occupation?"

"I'm a Lady of the night," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, " Let's try to
rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite
chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being
a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year"

"Chicken Farmer it is!!"

brushmarx replied:

A guy was driving around the outback and saw a sign in front
of a broken down house: "Talking Dog For Sale".



He went up to the the front door & knocked.



The owner appeared and told him the dog was in the backyard.


The guy went into the backyard and saw a nice looking
blue heeler cattle dog sitting there.

"Do you talk?" he asked.

"Yep," the dog replied.

After the guy recovered from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he said:
"So, what's your story?"

The bluey looked up and said,

"Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.
I wanted to help the government, so I told the Federal Police.

In no time at all, they had me jetting from country to country,

sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog

would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any
younger so I decided to settle down.

Signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security,

wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch
of medals.

I got married, had a bunch of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy was amazed. He went back inside and asked the owner
what he wanted for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy said.


"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you
selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."

******************************************
'Bill went to a doctor and asked him if he ever laughed at a patient. the doctor replied 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.


Okay then,' Bill said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen.

It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

'I'm so sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?'

'It's swollen,' Bill replied.

************************************

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which
human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be
asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my
parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire
you!"

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open.


Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big
trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"


Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body
part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of
the eye.
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy."

Then she turned to Mary and continued...

And as for you, young lady, I have three things to say...

One... you have a dirty mind.

Two... you didn't read your homework.

And three... one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

*****************************************
A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Scottish highland stream.

The gamekeeper shouts "Dinnae drink thon water mon, its foo o' coo's bleep e 'n pish."

Man replies "My good fellow, I'm English.... can you repeat that?".

The gamekeeper replies "I said use both hands - you get more that way"

Member - Nev (TAS) replied:

POETS day you bewdy!!!!!!

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."


A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?"
The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market for it so we don't carry it."
The duck says, "Okay," and leaves.
The next day, the duck again walks in to the feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.
Next day, the duck once again walks in, and asks, "Got any duck feed?" The clerk says, "I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor." The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?"
"No."
"Got any duck feed?"

Kumunara (NT) replied:

Thought for the day.


Handle every stressful situation like a dog.

If you can't eat it or root it...

Piss on it and walk away.

1arm replied:

How many forum posters does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

53 to flame the spell checkers

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...

another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the forum that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"

109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped

111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this forum

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this forum which makes light bulbs relevant to this forum

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

12 to post to the forum that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

44 to ask what is a "FAQ"

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....

Member - Borgy.. (SA) replied:

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day; he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.



It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.



"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.



That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.


In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.


So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.



He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.



All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.



Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the f*cking dishes!"

Member - Borgy.. (SA) replied:

No SEX since 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

" 1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

Member - Paul Mac (VIC) replied:

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return,her Father cussed her. 'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute...'

'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club........................ (takes a breath)............. and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ...'

'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'
'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.'

The Explorer replied:

Mitre 10 Mega Scam

A "heads up" for those friends of mine who are regular Mitre 10 Mega customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 21 to 25 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start wiping your windshield with cloths and Windolene, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another store. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen January 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th 29th. Also Febuary 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 29th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your friends The Warehouse has wallets on sale for $ 3.99