Member - Roscoe ET (QLD) replied:

Everyone must be on holidays?

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was placed into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was placed into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the follwoing results: The first worm in alcohol dead, the second worm in cigarette smoke dead, the third worm in chocolate syrup dead, the fourth worm in good clean soil ALIVE.

So the minster asked the congregatation, what did you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine sitting in the back row quickly raised her hand and said," As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!!"

That pretty much ended the service!!

Geoff (Newcastle, NSW) replied:

An (automotive) Modern Parable

A Japanese company (Toyota) and an American company (GM) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River Both teams practised long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering while the American team had 7 people steering and 2 people rowing.

Feeling a deeper study was in order; American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.

They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 2 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 2 people rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rowers. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses. The pension program was trimmed to 'equal the competition' and some of the resultant savings were channeled into morale boosting programs and teamwork posters.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid-off one rower, halted development of a new canoe, sold all the paddles, and cancelled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses.

The next year, try as he might, the lone designated rower was unable to even finish the race (having no paddles,) so he was laid off for unacceptable performance, all canoe equipment was sold and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India ...

Sadly, the End.

Here's something else to think about: GM has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US, claiming they can't make money paying American wages.

TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US. The last quarter's results:

TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while GM racked up over 20 billion in losses.

GM folks are still scratching their heads, and collecting bonuses... and now wants the Government to 'bail them out'.

IF THIS WEREN'T SO TRUE IT MIGHT BE FUNNY

Mad Cowz (VIC) replied:

Once again, this has been sent to me, the flag is getting about

MrBitchi (QLD) replied:

The Dark Absorber Theory


For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but
recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit
light; they absorb dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Absorbers.
The Dark Absorber Theory and the existence of dark absorbers prove
that dark has mass and is heavier than light.

First, the basis of the Dark Absorber Theory is that electric bulbs
absorb dark. For example, take the Dark Absorber in the room you are
in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere.
The larger the Dark Absorber, the greater its capacity to absorb
dark. Dark Absorbers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity
to absorb dark than the ones in this room.

As with all things, Dark Absorbers don't last forever. Once they are
full of dark, they can no longer absorb. This is proven by the dark
spot on a full Dark Absorber. A candle is a primitive Dark Absorber.
A new candle has a white wick. You can see that after the first use,
the wick turns black, representing all the dark that has been
absorbed into it. If you put a pencil next to the wick of an
operating candle, it will turn black. This is because it got in the
way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the disadvantages of
these primitive Dark Absorbers is their limited range.

There are also portable Dark Absorbers. In these, the bulbs can't
handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage
Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied
or replaced before the portable Dark Absorber can operate again. Dark
has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Absorber, friction from the mass
generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating Dark
Absorber. Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel
into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a
great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an
operating candle.

Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below the
surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to
slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and
darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness.
This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and
the lighter light floats at the top. The is why it is called light.

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to
stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly
opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the
closet. But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the
dark leave the closet. This is proof positive that the Dark Absorber
Theory is true.

Louie the fly (SA) replied:

In reply to Saharaman's original post, why is road freight called shipping and sea freight called car-go?

Louie

Lotzi replied:

Sorry, couldn't resist it....

~POSSIBLY THE BEST BLONDE JOKE EVER~

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some

rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that,

they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.



Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been

buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like

some more.

'I'm sorry,' says the pharmacist, 'We don't have any.'

'But, I always buy it here,' says the blonde.

'Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist.

'Yes,' said the blonde , 'I'll go home and get it.'

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who

looks at it and says to her, 'This is just a normal stick of underarm

deodorant.'

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out

loud from the container ..

(Are you ready for this one!?)





'TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.

Member - Prado Garageo replied:

If twas not so serious, it would be funny.

1 year ago Royal Bank of Scotland paid $100bn for ABN Amro. For this amount it could now buy:

Citibank $22.5bn
Morgan Stanley $10.5bn
Goldman Sachs $21bn
Merrill Lynch $12.3bn
Deutsche Bank $13bn
Barclays $12.7bn

And still have $8bn change......which you would be able to pick up GM, Ford,Chrysler and the Honda F1 Team.

Seasons Greetings to all & a Happy & safe Christmas PG

Geoff (Newcastle, NSW) replied:

Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk Samoan led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.

'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Maori clock' he drunkenly replied.

'A talking Maori clock - seriously?'

'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'

'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.

'Just watch' he said. He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.

His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.

Suddenly, a Maori voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

'For f*#k's sake, you stupid coconut. It's ten past three in the f*#king morning!!!'

Maîneÿ (wa) replied:

When a picture tells the real story !!

Ok, honey please come out now, I do forgive you

Mainey . . .

bbuzz replied:

A man has been shipwrecked on a desert island for ten years, when one day he is down at the shoreline when he spots a ship on the horizon. He frantically waves his arms and jumps up and down shouting, presently he spies a rowing boat being let down into the water from the ship. About ten minutes later the rowing boat reaches the shore carrying a man in a Captain's uniform, "Thank Christ for that says our shipwrecked hero, "I thought I was never going to be rescued."

"How long have you been here?" asks the Captain. "Ten years, ten long years" replies the man.
"Ten years?" says the Captain, "how have you coped all that time on your own?".
"Well, I'm quite a resourceful fellow, I've built my own house. It is, over there, Number 1!"
"But ten years!" says the Captain, "ten years without sex!".

"Ah well, that's not quite true" says the man shyly. "What do you mean?" enquires the Captain.
"Well, about six months ago I was down here on the shore washing my feet, when I noticed an ostrich up the beach with it's head buried in the sand and it's ass facing me. Well, I thought it's been nine and a half years, so I crept up behind it and WALLOP!"

"Ugh God, that must have been disgusting!" cries the genuinely shocked Captain.
"Well, it was alright for the first five miles, but then we got out of step!"

bbuzz replied:

The Tong Master

The Tong-Master Griff, was at the barbecue and Joel was at the barbecue and I was at the barbecue; three men standing around a barbecue, sipping beer, staring at sausages, rolling them backwards and forwards, never leaving them alone. We didn't know why we were at the barbecue; we were just drawn there like moths to a flame. The barbecue was a powerful gravitational force, a man-magnet.

Joel said "the thin ones could use a turn", I said "yeah I reckon the thin ones could use a turn", Griff said "yeah they really need a turn", it was a unanimous turning decision. Griff was the Tong-Master, a true artist, he gave a couple of practice snaps of his long silver tongs, SNAP SNAP, before moving in, prodding, teasing, and with an elegant flick of his wrist, rolling them onto their little backs. A lessor tong-man would've flicked too hard; the sausages would've gone full circle, back to where they started. Nice, I said. The others went "yeah".

Kevin was passing us, he heard the siren song - the sizzle of the snags, the barbecue was calling, beckoning, Kevinnnnn .... come. He stuck his head in and said, "any room"? We said "yeah" and begun the barbecue shuffle; Griff shuffled to the left, Joel shuffled to the left, I shuffled to the left, Kevin slipped in beside me, we sipped our beer. Now there were four of us staring at the sausages and Griff gave me the nod - my cue.

I was second-in-command, and I had to take the raw sausages out of the plastic bag and lay them on the barbecue; not too close together, not too far apart, curl them into each other's bodies like lovers - fat ones, thin ones, herbed and continental. The chipolatas were tiny, they could easily slip down between the grill, falling into molten hot-bead-netherworld below. Carefully I laid them sideways ACROSS the grill, clever thinking. Griff snapped his tongs with approval; there was no greater barbecue honour.

P.J came along, he said "looking good, looking good" - the irresistible lure of the barbecue had pulled him in too. We said "yeah", and did the shuffle, left, left, left, left, he slipped in beside Kevin, we sipped our beer. Five men, lots of sausages.

Joel was the Fork-pronger; he had the fork that pronged the tough hides of the Bavarian bratwursts and he showed a lot of promise. Stabbing away eagerly, leaving perfect little vampire holes up and down the casing. P.J was shaking his head, he said "I reckon they cook better if you don't poke them".

There was a long silence, you could have heard a chipolata drop, and this newcomer was a rabble-rouser, bringing in his crazy ideas from outside. He didn't understand the hierarchy; first the Tong-Master, then the Sausage-layer, then the Fork-pronger - and everyone below was just a watcher. Maybe eventually they'll move up the ladder, but for now - don't rock the Weber.

Dianne popped her head in; "hmmmm, smells good", she said. She was trying to jostle into the circle; we closed ranks, pulling our heads down and our shoulders in, mumbling "yeah yeah", but making no room for her. She was keen, going round to the far side of the barbecue, heading for the only available space.... the gap in the circle where all the smoke and ashes blew. Nobody could survive the gap; Dianne was going to try. She stood there stubbornly, smoke blinding her eyes, ashes filling her nostrils, sausage fat spattering all over her arms and face, until she couldn't take it any more, she gave up and backed off. Kevin waited till she was gone and sipped his beer. We sipped our beer, "yeah".

Griff handed me his tongs. I looked at him and he nodded. I knew what was happening, I'd waited a long time for this moment - the abdication. The tongs weighed heavy in my hands, firm in my grip. Was I ready for the responsibility?

Yes, I was. I held them up high and they glinted in the sun. Don't forget to turn the thin ones Griff said, as he walked away from the barbecue, disappearing toward the house. "Yeah" I called back, "I will, I will". I snapped the tongs twice, SNAP SNAP, before moving in, prodding, teasing, and with an elegant flick of my wrist, rolling them back onto their little bellies. I was a natural, I was the TONG-MASTER. But only till Griff got back from the toilet !!!

Are you the Tong Master at your BBQ

bbuzz replied:

Heads or Tails
-----------------
The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and
then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all
done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half and hour. But, she says, I am rechecking my answers."

Grungle replied:

Hey Saharaman,

If Snickers is so satisfying, why do they come in a king size?

Regards
David