Funday funnies

Submitted: Friday, Nov 21, 2014 at 08:34
ThreadID: 110205 Views:3586 Replies:16 FollowUps:2
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I decided to go to the Mosque for a first time to see what it was all about.



I sat down and the Iman came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said by the will of Allah the All Mighty and the Prophet Mohamed you will walk today.



I told him I was not paralyzed.



He came back and laid his hands on me and repeated the same thing. Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me.

After the prayers I stepped outside and lo and behold my frigging car had been stolen.
Insanity doesnt run in my family.... it gallops!

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Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Nov 21, 2014 at 09:23

Friday, Nov 21, 2014 at 09:23
This post has been read by the moderation team and has been moderated due to a breach of The Inappropriate Rule .

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Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Nov 21, 2014 at 09:25

Friday, Nov 21, 2014 at 09:25
HOLY DAY SET BY A FLORIDA COURT-

This is great!!
I know God is giggling!
Florida Court Sets Atheist Holy Day!
Gotta love this Judge!
You must read this......
A proper decision by the courts..
for a change.

FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY

In Florida, an atheist created a case against Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.

The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood and objecting to the ruling saying,
"Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others.
The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays..."
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counselor, is woefully ignorant."
The lawyer said," Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."
The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fool's Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore,
April 1st is his day.

Court is adjourned..."
You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!

bill
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Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Nov 21, 2014 at 09:26

Friday, Nov 21, 2014 at 09:26
I never really liked the terminology "Old Farts" but this makes me feel better about it. And if you ain't one, I bet you know one! I got this from an "Old Fart" friend of mine!

OLD FART PRIDE

I'm passing this on as I did not want to be the only old fart receiving it. Actually, it's not a bad thing to be called, as you will see.

Old Farts are easy to spot at sporting events; during the playing of the National Anthem. Old Farts remove their caps and stand at attention and sing without embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them.

Old Farts remember World War II, Pearl Harbor, Guadalcanal , Normandy and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing. They remember the 50 plus Peacekeeping Missions from 1945 to 2005, not to mention Vietnam.

If you bump into an Old Fart on the sidewalk he will apologize. If you pass an Old Fart on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old Farts trust strangers and are courtly to women.

Old Farts hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.

Old Farts get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don't like any filth or dirty language on TV or in movies.

Old Farts have moral courage and personal integrity. They seldom brag unless it's about their children or grandchildren.

It's the Old Farts who know our great country is protected, not by politicians, but by the young men and women in the military serving their country.

This country needs Old Farts with their work ethic, sense of responsibility, pride in their country and decent values.
We need them now more than ever.
Thank God for Old Farts!

I was taught to respect my elders. It's just getting harder to find them.

bill
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AnswerID: 541955

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Nov 21, 2014 at 09:33

Friday, Nov 21, 2014 at 09:33
Expressive Flowers

How exciting would it be to be the first to see a flower and get to name it?
















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Reply By: 19738662 - Friday, Nov 21, 2014 at 10:36

Friday, Nov 21, 2014 at 10:36
In church last Sunday, I heard a sweet elderly lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer. It was so innocent and sincere that I just had to share it with you:

"Dear Lord: The past year has been very tough for me. You have taken ...
My favorite actor - James Garner;
My favorite actress - Lauren Bacall;...
My favorite comedian - Robin Williams;
And finally, my favorite author -Tom Clancy.
I just wanted you to know that my favorite politicians are -
Billy Shorten, Christine Milne, Sarah Hanson - Young and Clive Palmer.
Amen!"

AnswerID: 541960

Reply By: Ron N - Friday, Nov 21, 2014 at 11:13

Friday, Nov 21, 2014 at 11:13
5 POINTS TO PONDER .......

1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing them.

2. We all love to spend money buying new clothes - but we forget that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

3. Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice - but having a hot friend on a cold night, after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

4. Condoms don't guarantee safe sex any more. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

5. Blokes arguing over a preferred boob size is like choosing between VB, Tooheys, XXXX, and Crown. They may state their preferences, but they'll grab the first that's available.
AnswerID: 541961

Reply By: Member - Scott M (NSW) - Friday, Nov 21, 2014 at 11:32

Friday, Nov 21, 2014 at 11:32
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 30 years in the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humor!
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here.
I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.
He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife, had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs, had several homosexual affairs, was arrested several times for public nudity and had given VD to his sister.
I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things.
But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived, full of apologies at being late.
He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: “I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”
Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late
AnswerID: 541965

Reply By: Member - Scott M (NSW) - Friday, Nov 21, 2014 at 11:33

Friday, Nov 21, 2014 at 11:33
AnswerID: 541966

Follow Up By: Ross M - Friday, Nov 21, 2014 at 19:11

Friday, Nov 21, 2014 at 19:11
PRICELESS.
0
FollowupID: 828221

Reply By: Kumunara (NT) - Friday, Nov 21, 2014 at 13:04

Friday, Nov 21, 2014 at 13:04
7 reasons not to mess with children.

A little girl: was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher: said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl: stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher: reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher: asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him".


A Kindergarten teacher: was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl: replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher: paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl: replied, "They will in a minute."


A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy: (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."


The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
Life's great and it just keeps getting better

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AnswerID: 541974

Reply By: Kumunara (NT) - Friday, Nov 21, 2014 at 13:05

Friday, Nov 21, 2014 at 13:05
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
Life's great and it just keeps getting better

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AnswerID: 541975

Reply By: Kumunara (NT) - Friday, Nov 21, 2014 at 13:16

Friday, Nov 21, 2014 at 13:16
When Ralph first noticed that his bleep was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.

But after several weeks his bleep had grown to nearly twenty inches and was close to dragging on the ground.

Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery.

"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife coldly, "you are planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you?"
Life's great and it just keeps getting better

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AnswerID: 541976

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Nov 21, 2014 at 14:53

Friday, Nov 21, 2014 at 14:53
Confucius said all that? He way too clever
Get your smiles ready………..

Confucius Say.
It's ok to let a fool kiss you,
but don't let a kiss fool you.

Confucius Say.
A kiss is just shopping upstairs
for downstairs merchandise.

Confucius Say.
It is better to lose a lover
than love a loser.

Confucius Say.
Man with a broken condom
is called a Daddy

Confucius Say.
Man who mix Viagra and Ex-Lax,
does not know if he's coming or going.

Confucius Say.
A drunken man's words
are a sober man's thoughts.

Confucius Say.
Marriage is like a bank account.
You put it in, you take it out,
and you lose interest.

Confucius Say.
Viagra is like Disneyland ....
a one hour wait for a 2-minute ride.

Confucius Say.
It is much better to want the mate you do not have
than to have the mate you do not want.

Confucius Say. A joke is like sex.
Neither is any good if you don't get it.
AnswerID: 541985

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Nov 21, 2014 at 14:54

Friday, Nov 21, 2014 at 14:54
ABORIGINAL WISDOM...

A ninety year old aboriginal elder sat in his humpy eyeing two government 'Welfare' officials sent to interview him.
One of them remarked “You have been observing the white man now for 90 years. You have seen his wars and his technological advances.
You have seen his progress and the damage he has done."
The elder nodded in agreement.
The official continued "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white fella go wrong?"

The elder stared at the officials for over a minute and then he calmly replied: "When white fella found the land, black fellas were running it:
No taxes
No debt
Plenty kangaroo
Plenty fish
Women do all the work
Medicine man free
Aboriginal man spent all day hunting and fishing and all night having sex”

Then he leaned back and smiled; "Only white fella bloody stupid enough to think he could improve a system like that."
AnswerID: 541986

Reply By: SDG - Friday, Nov 21, 2014 at 18:30

Friday, Nov 21, 2014 at 18:30
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that!" "I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the
principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"



Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said,"The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:



One, you have a dirty mind,



Two, you didn't read your homework, and



Three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
AnswerID: 541999

Reply By: Ron N - Friday, Nov 21, 2014 at 19:07

Friday, Nov 21, 2014 at 19:07
After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher.

Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful bloke who always offered comment on the sermons.

"Pastor", he said - "Today, your sermon reminded me of the Peace and Love of God!"

The pastor was thrilled. “No-one has ever said anything like that about my preaching before! Tell me why!"

"Well," the bloke said, "It reminded me of the Peace of God, because it passed all understanding! - and it reminded me of the Love of God, because it endured forever!”
AnswerID: 542000

Reply By: Ron N - Friday, Nov 21, 2014 at 21:25

Friday, Nov 21, 2014 at 21:25
A stranger paid a visit to the pastor, a man well known for his charity.

"Pastor," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this neighborhood.

The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving.

They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $900."

"How terrible!” exclaimed the preacher. “May I ask who you are?"

The visitor dabbed his handkerchief to his eyes. "I’m the landlord!", he sobbed.
AnswerID: 542006

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