Its Flyday

A young man's Mother was living in the City and he didn't see her very often. His father was no longer around and he was worried she was lonely.
For her birthday he purchased a rare parrot, trained to speak seven languages. He had a Courier deliver the bird to his dear mother. A few days later he called her on the phone.
"Ma, what do you think of the bird?"
"The bird was good, but a little tough. I should have cooked it longer."
"You ate the bird? Mum, that bird was very expensive. It spoke seven languages!"
"Oh, excuse me, but if that bird was so smart, why didn't it say something when I put it in the oven?"

A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the "Chicken
Surprise." The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast-iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises
slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before
the lid slams back down. "Hey, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again
the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams
down.
Sputtering in a fit of pique, he calls the waiter over, describes what is
happening, and demands an explanation!
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what did you order?" The husband replies,
"Chicken Surprise."
"Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck."=

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https://i.imgur.com/UjYBIeo.gif (Totally saw that coming!

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The Will
> Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse,
> his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
> He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to
> record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
> "My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses. My daughter
> Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end. My son, Jamie, I
> want you to take the offices over in the City Centre. Sarah, my dear
> wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the
> river."
> The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his
> extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away,
> the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a
> hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".



> Sarah replies, "Property ? The a-hole only has a paper round!"

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Naughty but funny Old man surprises

Subject : 50 Grayish Shades .... !!


Back and forth . . . . back and forth . . . .
In and out . . . . in and out . . . .
A little to the right . . . . a little to the left . . . .

She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .
Between her breasts . . . . and, trickling down the small of her back . . . .

She was getting near to the end . . . . !!

He was in ecstasy . . . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . . . Forwards then backwards . . . .

Forward then backward . . . .

Again . . . . and, again . . . . !!

Her heart was pounding now . . . .

Her face was flushed . . . .

She moaned . . . . softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . .
Finally . . . . totally exhausted . . . . she let out a piercing scream . . . .

She shouted . . . . :

"OK, OK, you smug bas$ard, I can't parallel park . . . .

You do it . . . . !!"

=====================

The Ultimate in Suicide Counselling – bet she changed her mind



A woman was standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off.

A homeless drunk stopped and mumbled,

"If you're about to kill yourself, how about a shag before you go?"

The woman was angry and said,

"No way! Truck off you filthy old ba$tard."

The tramp turned to leave and said,


"No problems, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then."

==================
Old Guys and Rye Bread

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread everyday.
It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want five loaves."
She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."
The old man says to himself, "I can't believe everybody knows about this sh1t but me."

=====================

Two women were sitting next to each other in a bar.

After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .'

The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'

The first one says, 'So am I! And whereabouts in Ireland are ya from?'

The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'

The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin ?'

The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'

The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course..'

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?

The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 meself.

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'


Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are pi$$ed again'.

====================

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."

====================

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Just Arthritis

===================

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.

I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

Through the ages, men have been trying to unlock this mystery: Why do their wives, who accept them just as they are before they get married, begin the quest to change their behavior and life-style once their vows are exchanged?

Finally, the riddle is solved.

A social-scientist has arrived at this simple and logical explanation. When the bride, accompanied by her father, starts to walk slowly down the long aisle, she sees the altar at the end and hears the choir singing a hymn. Walking down the aisle, the conditioning process starts where the brain absorbs these three stimuli: Aisle, altar, and hymn.

She becomes mesmerized as she continually reinforces these perceptions: Aisle, altar, hymn... Aisle, altar, hymn... Aisle, altar, hymn.

And finally, as she stops beside the groom, the conditioning process is complete. She looks up at him smiling sweetly and keeps saying to herself:

"I'll alter him!"

HERE ENDETH THE LESSON

Six Basic Rules For Good Health

1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, every day is even better.

2. F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind & body.

3. F***ing refreshes you.

4. After F***ing don't eat too much ... Go for more liquids.

5. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol level !!!

SO .... REMEMBER ...











6. FISHING is good for your health and soul ...
And may the Good Lord cleanse your Filthy Mind !!!

Cheers
Greg

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

Cheers
Greg