Fryday Phunnies

Submitted: Friday, Jul 08, 2016 at 03:47
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Two campers at Cape York get up early to go fishing.

One of them spots a guy with just his head poking out of a crocodile's mouth near a river.

He says to the other "Look at that rich wanker over there with the Lacoste sleeping bag."

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Reply By: Glenn C5 - Friday, Jul 08, 2016 at 06:38

Friday, Jul 08, 2016 at 06:38
Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.
As they walk, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful
woman in the world.

"I am entering" said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her,
"Well, how.did you do?"

"First Place," said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign:
"Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman. After half an hour he returns and they ask him,
"How did you make out?"

"First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"
They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio says "this is mine." Half an hour later,
he returns with tears pouring from his eyes.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Who the hell is Bill Shorten?" asked Pinocchio.
AnswerID: 602197

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Jul 08, 2016 at 13:58

Friday, Jul 08, 2016 at 13:58
Sayings

Early aircraft throttles had a ball on the end of it, in order to go full
throttle the pilot had to push the throttle all the way forward into the
wall of the instrument panel. Hence "balls to the wall" for going very
fast. And now you know the rest of the story.

*********************************
During WWII, U.S. Airplanes were armed with belts of bullets which they
would shoot during dogfights and on strafing runs. These belts were folded
into the wing compartments that fed their machine guns. These belts measure
27 feet and contained hundreds of rounds of bullets. Often times, the
pilots would return from their missions having expended all of their
bullets on various targets. They would say, I gave them the whole nine
yards, meaning they used up all of their ammunition.

*********************************
Did you know the saying "God willing and the creek don't rise" was in
reference to the Creek Indians and not a body of water? It was written by
Benjamin Hawkins in the late 18th century. He was a politician and Indian
diplomat. While in the south, Hawkins was requested by the President of the
U.S. To return to Washington . In his response, he was said to write, "God
willing and the Creek don't rise." Because he capitalized the word "Creek"
he was referring to the Creek Indian tribe and not a body of water.

*********************************
In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either
sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him
standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed
both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how
many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted.
Arms and legs are 'limbs,' therefore painting them would cost the buyer
more. Hence the expression, 'Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg.'
(Artists know hands and arms are more difficult to paint.)

******************************
As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May
and October). Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads
(because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good
wigs made from wool. They couldn't wash the wigs, so to clean them they
would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for
30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term 'big
wig'. Today we often use the term 'here comes the Big Wig' because someone
appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.

*********************************
In the late 1700's, many houses consisted of a large room with only one
chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used
for dining. The 'head of the household' always sat in the chair while
everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest, who was
usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit
in the chair meant you were important and in charge. They called the one
sitting in the chair the 'chair man.' Today in business, we use the
expression or title 'Chairman' or 'Chairman of the Board.'

*********************************
Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women
and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee's
wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they were
speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face
she was told, 'mind your own bee's wax.' Should the woman smile, the wax
would crack, hence the term 'crack a smile'. In addition, when they sat too
close to the fire, the wax would melt. Therefore, the expression 'losing
face.'

*********************************
Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and
dignified woman, as in 'straight laced' wore a tightly tied lace.

*********************************
Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax
levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the 'Ace of
Spades.' To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead.
Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be
stupid or dumb because they weren't 'playing with a full deck.'

********************************
Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the
people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV's or
radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and
bars. They were told to 'go sip some Ale and listen to people's
conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at
different times. 'You go sip here' and 'You go sip there.' The two words
'go sip' were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and,
thus we have the term 'gossip.'

**********************************
At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized
containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep
the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was
drinking in 'pints' and who was drinking in 'quarts,' hence the phrase
'minding your 'P's and Q's'.

**********************************
One more: bet you didn't know this! In the heyday of sailing ships, all
war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired
round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the
cannon. However, how to prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best
storage method devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top,
resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of
30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon.
There was only one problem....how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding
or rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a
'Monkey' with 16 round indentations. However, if this plate were made of
iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting
problem was to make 'Brass Monkeys.' Few landlubbers realize that brass
contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled.. Consequently,
when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink
so much that the iron cannonballs would come right off the monkey; Thus, it
was quite literally, 'Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.'

bill
Bill B

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AnswerID: 602208

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Jul 08, 2016 at 14:01

Friday, Jul 08, 2016 at 14:01
For connoisseurs of the English way of life

One of the English national daily newspapers asked readers "What does it
mean to be English?"
Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a chap in Switzerland
stood out:
"Being English is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a
Belgian beer, and then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American or
Australian shows on a Japanese or Korean TV which will soon be powered by a
Chinese nuclear power station.
And the most English thing of all?
Suspicion of anything foreign."

bill
Bill B

Member
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AnswerID: 602209

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Jul 08, 2016 at 14:55

Friday, Jul 08, 2016 at 14:55
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

''Good morning, Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?" The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"
AnswerID: 602212

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Jul 08, 2016 at 14:56

Friday, Jul 08, 2016 at 14:56
A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying .

The bread department features a tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
AnswerID: 602213

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Jul 08, 2016 at 15:11

Friday, Jul 08, 2016 at 15:11
AnswerID: 602216

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Jul 08, 2016 at 15:48

Friday, Jul 08, 2016 at 15:48








AnswerID: 602218

Reply By: Member - Odog - Friday, Jul 08, 2016 at 17:21

Friday, Jul 08, 2016 at 17:21
Gotta watch this ?? https://www.facebook.com/AdultHumour69/videos/1016023475160893/

Hope this link works!
Some people want it to happen, some people wish it could happen, others make it happen!

Lifetime Member
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AnswerID: 602222

Reply By: Stu & "Bob" - Friday, Jul 08, 2016 at 20:24

Friday, Jul 08, 2016 at 20:24
5 RULES TO FOLLOW FOR A MAN TO HAVE A HAPPY LIFE.

From a tombstone in Logan City Utah, USA.



1) It`s important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans,

and has a job.

2) It`s important to have a woman who makes you laugh.

3) It`s important to have a woman you can trust.

4) It`s important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be

with you.

5) It`s important that these four women do not know each other,

or you could end up dead like me.
AnswerID: 602230

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