Willie's away; so let the CRAP flow....

Submitted: Tuesday, Jul 13, 2004 at 11:53
ThreadID: 14615 Views:1847 Replies:12 FollowUps:6
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A few minutes before church services start, everyone is sitting in their
pews and talking.
Suddenly, in a flash of light and a puff of smoke, Satan appears.
The people scream and run out, trampling each other in a frantic effort
to get away from Evil Incarnate.

In seconds everyone is gone except for one elderly gentleman sitting
calmly in his pew.
Satan walks up to the old man and says, "Don't you know who I am?" The
man replies, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asks, "No," says the man. "Don't you
realize I can kill you with a word?" asks Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute".
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical
agony for all eternity?" persists Satan.
"Yes."
"And you're still not afraid?"
"No."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asks, "Well, why aren't you afraid
of me?"

"Been married to your sister for 48 years."

.

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Reply By: Member - Roachie SA- Tuesday, Jul 13, 2004 at 12:12

Tuesday, Jul 13, 2004 at 12:12
A well-dressed elderly lady enters the Bank Manager's office after having made an appointment the day before. She advises that she is new to town and wants to open a new account and make a large deposit.
She is carrying a large brown paper bag and empties it's contents on the table. $100,000- in cash!!!
The Banker asks where she came by such a large amount of cash.
She says, "Oh from gambling".
Manager; "Gambling is fought with danger, you could lose everything you have".
She: "not the way i gamble, I only bet when I know I can't lose".
Manager: "How can that be?"
She: "Well, for example, I'd be willing to bet you $20,000- that by 10am tomorrow morning your balls will be cubed shaped".
Manager; astounded: "There is no way that will happen, you will lose your money for sure!!"
She; "So is it a bet the???"
Manager: "Yes, it's a bet, but it will be shame for me to take your money"

For the rest of the day and all through the night, the Manager makes sure he treats his private parts with the utmost care, checking regularly to make sure they have not changed to cube shape.

Next morning, at 10.00am as arranged, the old lady arrives for her appointment. She enters the office with another gentleman, known to the Bank Manager to be the local, well respected town Solicitor.

She: "I hope you don't mind, I've brought my solicitor along as a witness".
Manager: "I guess that's understandable"
She, "So, has the shape changed?"
Manager, "No"
She, "I hope you understand, that with this amount of money involved, it is only fair that I should be allowed to check for myself".
Manager, "I guess that's fair enough" (drops his strides and jocks)

She proceeds to get on her knees and gently cradle his nads in her hands. As she is doing so, the Manager notices the solicitor is sobbing uncontrollably in the corner of the office.

Manager: "Well are you satisfied there has been no change to their shape?"
She: "Oh yes, you win the bet.....here's your money" (happily hands him a bag with $20,000- in it).
Manager: "I don't understand why you're so happy and your solicitor is distraught".
She: "Well, yesterday, before I came to see you, I saw him and made a $50,000- bet with him that by 10am today, I'd have your balls in the palm of my hand"

AnswerID: 67565

Follow Up By: Big Kidz (Andrew & Jen) - Tuesday, Jul 13, 2004 at 12:32

Tuesday, Jul 13, 2004 at 12:32
So Roachie, were her hands warm??
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FollowupID: 328260

Follow Up By: Member - Roachie SA- Tuesday, Jul 13, 2004 at 13:33

Tuesday, Jul 13, 2004 at 13:33
Andrew, (or was that your question, Jen??)
What makes you think I'm the person names in that true story? LOL
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FollowupID: 328266

Follow Up By: Big Kidz (Andrew & Jen) - Tuesday, Jul 13, 2004 at 18:09

Tuesday, Jul 13, 2004 at 18:09
It's always Andrew... never me Roachie!! LOL

Jen
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FollowupID: 328291

Reply By: Member - Captain (WA) - Tuesday, Jul 13, 2004 at 12:55

Tuesday, Jul 13, 2004 at 12:55
This story occurred on Melbourne radio last year.......

One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali. Lastweek the competition went like this:

Presenter: Gidday its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game?

Brian: Yeah, sure.

Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex ?

Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.

Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian ?

Brian: Orrrrr .... about 10 minutes.

Presenter: 10 minutes ? Good one. And where did you do it mate ?

Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I can't say that.

Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian !

Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.

Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife ?

Brian: Yeah, alright.

Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you ?

Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.

Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line, say hello.

Sharelle: Hi Brian.

Brian: Hi Sharelle.

Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.

Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.

Sharelle: O.K.

Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex?

Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.

Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.

Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.

Presenter: Good, nice start ! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle ?

Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.

Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman.

Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it ?

Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listing. No way, no.

Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.

Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway just tell em.

Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the arse !

Radio Silence

Advert

Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live here, and sometimes these things happen. We've given Brian and Sharelle the holiday. Now we'll take a music break.
Its not what you drive, but how you drive it!
LC 200 + AOR Quantum

Member
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AnswerID: 67567

Follow Up By: Member - Sparkie (QLD) - Tuesday, Jul 13, 2004 at 13:23

Tuesday, Jul 13, 2004 at 13:23
ROFLMAO,
When Roachie said let the crap flow I don't think he meant literally ;-p

Sparkie (IE not Y) ;-)
0
FollowupID: 328265

Reply By: Member - Sparkie (QLD) - Tuesday, Jul 13, 2004 at 13:36

Tuesday, Jul 13, 2004 at 13:36
A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.
The man repeats himself:
"W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.
The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
And the clerk just seems to ignore him.
Finally, the guy storms off in anger.
The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"
The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get the s-s-s%#t b-b-b-beat out of m-m-m-me?"

Sparkie(IE not Y) ;-)
AnswerID: 67572

Reply By: Member - Pesty (SA) - Tuesday, Jul 13, 2004 at 16:02

Tuesday, Jul 13, 2004 at 16:02
Your obviously got nothing to do Roachie LOL:-

A woman was helping her husband set up his

computer, and at the appropriate point in the

process, told him that he would now need to

enter a password.. Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood

and figured he would try for the shock effect to

bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the

computer asked him to enter his password, he

made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was

keying in

P...

E...

N..

I...

S.



His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer

replied:

**PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***
AnswerID: 67588

Reply By: Des Lexic - Tuesday, Jul 13, 2004 at 16:04

Tuesday, Jul 13, 2004 at 16:04
> Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of Gorilla.
> > Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to
> > handle. Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The
> > gorilla was on heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of
> > the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo
> > management noticed Kevin, a big Kiwi lad,responsible for fixing the Zoo's
> > machinery. Kevin, like most Kiwis, had little sense, but seemed to be
> > possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. So, the
> > Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Kevin was
>approached
> > with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for
> > $500?
> >
> > Kevin showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter
>over
> > carefully. The following day, Kevin announced that he would accept their
> > offer, only under three conditions:
> > "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kuss er."
> >
> > "Sicondly, you must niver tull anyone about thus."
> >
> > The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked
> > what was his third condition.
> >
> > "Wull," said Kevin, "You gotta give me another wik to come up with the
> > $500."
> >
> > _________________________________________________________________
AnswerID: 67589

Follow Up By: Member - Sparkie (QLD) - Tuesday, Jul 13, 2004 at 16:37

Tuesday, Jul 13, 2004 at 16:37
Brillian't I didn't see that one coming. 8-)

Sparkie(IE not Y) ;-)
0
FollowupID: 328281

Reply By: Des Lexic - Tuesday, Jul 13, 2004 at 16:06

Tuesday, Jul 13, 2004 at 16:06
Top 15 Country Song Titles



15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

12. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well

11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better

10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

8. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like Having You Here

7. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now

6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him

5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer

1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, but I've Sure As Hell Woke Up With A Few.


AnswerID: 67590

Reply By: Allan Mac (VIC) - Tuesday, Jul 13, 2004 at 16:46

Tuesday, Jul 13, 2004 at 16:46
Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

Any Man who brings a camera to a Stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

It is ok for a man to cry under the following Circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth

Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're Sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

Only in situations of Moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just mean.

If you complement a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a Mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

You cannot grass on a colleague who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loud speaker every seven minutes.

The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

Thou shalt not buy a car with an engine capacity of less than 1.5 litres.

Thou shall not really buy a car with less than 1.8 litres, 16 valves, and a turbo.

Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, Orange or sky blue.

The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation 2.

AnswerID: 67593

Reply By: Allan Mac (VIC) - Tuesday, Jul 13, 2004 at 17:22

Tuesday, Jul 13, 2004 at 17:22
This woman walks into the drugstore and tells the pharmacist
she wants to buy some arsenic.

He says, "What do you want with arsenic?"

She said "I want to kill my husband because he cheats on me
by having sex with another woman.

The pharmacist says, "I can't sell you arsenic so you can
kill your husband lady, even if he is having sex with another
woman."

So she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture of her
husband having sex with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist says "Oh, I didn't realize you had a prescription.
AnswerID: 67598

Reply By: V8Diesel - Tuesday, Jul 13, 2004 at 18:07

Tuesday, Jul 13, 2004 at 18:07
Two goldfish in a tank
One turns to the other and says "how the f*%k do you steer this thing?"

How many screws does it take to make a lesbian's bed?
None. It's all tongue in groove.

Hear about the Kiwi that came to Australia?
He thought the Canning Stock Route was an annual event.

Boom boom
AnswerID: 67609

Follow Up By: Member - Willie Sydney - Tuesday, Jul 13, 2004 at 18:55

Tuesday, Jul 13, 2004 at 18:55
That Canning Stock Route one is sensational .
Willie
0
FollowupID: 328296

Reply By: Bonz (Vic) - Tuesday, Jul 13, 2004 at 19:25

Tuesday, Jul 13, 2004 at 19:25
Oh My - Hurry back Willem
.
Time is an illusion produced by the passage of history
.

Lifetime Member
My Profile  My Blog  My Position  Send Message
Moderator

AnswerID: 67634

Reply By: Member - Bernard - Tuesday, Jul 13, 2004 at 19:28

Tuesday, Jul 13, 2004 at 19:28
A cowboy who had been drinking in the saloon went out through the doors, staggered up to his horse and then noticed that the horse's balls had been painted bright blue.

Rushing back into the saloon, he stands just inside the doors with his hands near his guns and demands, "Who painted my horse's balls blue?" There's a deathly hush, then a huge, solidly built cowboy gets to his feet and says, "I did. Why?". To which the first cowboy replies, "Uh. I think they're dry enough for another coat."

* * * * *

A soldier on duty overseas received a cable from his girlfriend that deserves a medal for brevity and clarity. It read, "Couldn't wait for you so have married your father. Love, Mother."

* * * * *

A woman told a friend, "It seems that I've spent a lifetime saying things like, 'Sit up straight. Close your mouth when you eat. Use your table napkin. Don't lick your knife. Don't tilt your chair back.' Just when I thought I had my husband straightened out, the kids came along."

* * * * *

A Kiwi goes to the optician to have his eyes tested.

Optician tells him to put his right hand over his right eye and read the chart. The Kiwi hesitantly looks at both hands and obviously doesn't know which hand is which, so the optician takes the Kiwi's right hand and places it over his right eye for him.

Having read the chart, the optician tells the Kiwi to place his left hand over his left eye. Again the Kiwi can't tell which is which so the optician helps him out.

The optician then tells the Kiwi that this will be done several times so he'll make it easy for him. The optician then takes a brown paper bag and tears a hole in it. Placing the bag over the Kiwi's head he turns the bag so that the hole is over the Kiwi's right eye, and then turns it further so that the hole is over his left eye.

He then asks the Kiwi if it's comfortable. The Kiwi replies that it was fine, but he really would have preferred a rimless pair like his brother's.
AnswerID: 67637

Reply By: Muddy 'doe (SA) - Tuesday, Jul 13, 2004 at 23:17

Tuesday, Jul 13, 2004 at 23:17
I cannot believe the amount of CRAP on here tonight... AND IT'S NOT EVEN FRIDAY!!!!!

What do you get if you toss a leper in a spa bath????..........Porridge!

Cheers ( and apologies to any lepers out there!)
Gross Muddy
AnswerID: 67695

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