Phriday Phunnys

Sparkie,

You bugger, I am going to be thinking about that when I drive to Ipswich today.

If I knew what part of Queensland that you are in I would pay you a visit.

"Degas to make the Van Gogh" I have to go now

Wayne

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man
walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in
all different colors; Green, Red, Purple, Blue, and Yellow.
The old man just stared and stared. Every time the young man
looked, the old man was staring.
The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter
old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once
and had sex with a peacock. I was wondering if you were my
son.

I wish this would actually happen!

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| B e e r T r u c k | ||'""|""\__,_
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(@! )'! (@)"""""**|(@)(@)****|(@)

16 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK....

01. It's an incentive to show up.
02. It leads to more honest communications.
03. It reduces complaints about low pay.
04. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to
hear.
05. It encourages car pooling.
06. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you
don't care.
07. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
08. It makes fellow employees look better.
09. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at
the bar.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch
break.
15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
16. Sitting "Bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as
gross.

Take a beer and send the truck to all of your friends!

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| B e e r T r u c k | ||'""|""\____
| _____________ l ||__|__|___|)""|
(@! )'! (@)"""""**|(@)(@)****|(@)

You may not know that many non-living things have a gender;
For example...

1) Freezer Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but
you can see right through them.

2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a
while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the
right buttons pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are
pushed.

3) Tyre -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere,
you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot
air part.

5) Sponges -- female because they're soft, squeezable and
retain water.

6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people
up.

8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to
the bottom.

9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000
years, but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male.
But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it,
and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push,
he keeps trying.

Out on the savannah plains of Kenya the little Zebra was very perplexed. He was a thinking Zebra with an enquiring mind. With all the stripes he had on his skin he couldn't decide wheater he was black or white. So the walked over to his mate the elephant and said:

"What should I do to find the answer to my problem"
The Elephant replied:
" Go up to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro and ask God"
"Really?" said the Zebra.
So plucking up his courage the little Zebra walked up to the top of the mountain and cried out
"God, God are you there?"
Suddenly a deep voce boomed down on him
"YES WHAT DO YOU WANT!!!?"
"Er...I want to know if I am black or white" said the little Zebra
"YOU ARE WHAT YOU ARE" the voice replied.

The little Zebra left the mountain and still was very perplexed. He went back to his mate the elephant and related his story. The elephant replied:
"Oh thats easy then....you are White"
"But, but" said the little Zebra " how do you know that?"
"Because" replied the elephant," if you had been black, God would have replied
"YOU IS WHAT YOU IS!!"

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f**king bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any f**king bread, Ask
me again and I'll nail your f**king beak to the bar, you irritating
bast**d of a f**king bird!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any bread?"

I like this one so did the wife.

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. The
passion starts to heat up...and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??..What was that?" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man!"
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to
sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off from work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big unnamed dept. store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different, very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'll just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said
let's get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewellery dept., where she picked up a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you....she was soooo excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was
testing me, because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier".
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank, as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT??"
I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile...........You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a
woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the
things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either......

A MAN phones home from the office and tells his wife: "Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime.

"We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pyjamas? I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."

He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off.

A week later he returns. His wife asks: "Did you have a good trip?"

"Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pyjamas."

"Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."

Hi All,
Print out the following onto some cards and carry in your glovebox.

THANK YOU
FOR PARKING SO CLOSE
NEXT TIME LEAVE A F*#@*NG
CAN OPENER SO I CAN GET
MY CAR OUT!
AR#%*$LES
LIKE YOU SHOULD RIDE THE BUS