Phriday Phunnies

Good one Sparkie,
The power of words interpreted differently.

One for the Oldies.

A group of senior citizens were sitting around a pool talking about all their ailments.
"My arms have gotten so weak i can hardly lift this cup of coffee", said one.

"Yes i know", said another. "My cataracts are so bad i can't even see my coffee".

"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so crippled", volunteered a third.

"What ? Speak up, i can't hear you," said a fourth.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy i can hardly walk," exclaimed another.

"I forget where i am and where i am going," said an elderly gent.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.

"Well count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully.
"THANK GOD WE CAN ALL STILL DRIVE".
Cheers,
Bros.

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The cop asked to see the blonde’s driver’s license.

She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

“What does it look like?” she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, “It’s square and it has your picture on it.”

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. “Here it is,” she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,

“Okay, you can go. I didn’t realise you were a cop.”

SURPRISE ... SURPRISE

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes, she says, "I remember it well." "OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil. That sounds like a crazy, but very good idea!"

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen, and it goes on for about 10 minutes. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. He goes over to help them up, and ask them what is their secret. As the couple catches breath he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

"Yep," the old man says. "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

*********************************

SHIPWRECK

A cowboy, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.

They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the cowboy. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the cowboy took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the cowboy had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the cowboy started to get "those feelings" again.

He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear ... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk.

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike
behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see
a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike
replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Woolworth's. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you
what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds
and costs ten dollars ...a lot quicker than a doctor."

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Woolies. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up
and asks for the urine sample.

He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a print-out: "You have tennis elbow. Soak
your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will
improve in two weeks, thank you for shopping @ Woolies"

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology
was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine
samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for
good measure.

Joe hurries back to Woolies, eager to check the results. He
deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9) 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4 Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer (1st floor). 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping @ Woolies

CHEERS
(Haunted Stream Trip this weekend)

A husband and wife are having dinner at a fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replied the husband, "she's my mistress"
"Well that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough and I want a divorce"
"I can understand that," replies the husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Porches' or Gu Patrols (go the patrols) in the garage, and no more yacht club. but the decision is yours"

Just then , a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress" says the husband
"Ours is prettier," she replies

Must have been the thought of no more Patrols methinks

Cheers Poppy

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage
along with... "a recipe."

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy
tale?
A northern fairy tale begins "Once up on a time...A southern fairy tale begins
"Y'all ain't gonna believe thisbleep..."



--

Peter Kay's Home Truths (Peter Kay is Uk Stand up comedian)
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pot-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an up turned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
36) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad

Little Johnny was mucking up in Sunday School.
Yes, the teacher chased him round and round the church and finally caught him by the organ!!!
OUCH!!!

Brett