Phriday Phlaming Phunies

Submitted: Friday, May 13, 2005 at 19:03
ThreadID: 22968 Views:1980 Replies:2 FollowUps:1
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Just some to start the weekend


When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f*****g number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telstra. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole ( I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.

"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"


"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.


"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my
black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying
your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said.

"Hello, asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your arse," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works.


An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End. On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea.

The Americans were incredulous.

Then later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered an Aborigine lying in the middle of the road.

He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air.
The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.

"Jacky," said the tour guide, "what are you tracking and what are you listening for?"
The aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute. It's red. The left front tyre is bald. The front end is out of whack and it has dents in every panel. There are 9 blackfellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat."

The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.

"Goddammit man, how do you know all that?" asked one.

The Aborigine replied, "I fell out of the f*****g thing about half an hour ago."


A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inchbleep, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The small guy faints away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, "What's wrong with you?"

In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.

I'm 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inchbleep, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn Around'."
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Reply By: Member - Ross H (QLD) - Friday, May 13, 2005 at 19:41

Friday, May 13, 2005 at 19:41
A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female
>>> teachers,
>>> > > > went
>>> > > > on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn
>>> about
>>> > > > thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but
>> mostly
>>> to
>>> > > > see
>>> > > > the horses.
>>> > > >
>>> > > > When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was
>>> > > > decided
>>> > that
>>> > > > the
>>> > > > girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the
>> other.
>>> > > >
>>> > > > The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's
>>> > > > room
>>> when
>>> > > > one
>>> > > >
>>> > > > of
>>> > > > the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the
>>> urinal.
>>> > > >
>>> > > > Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their
>>> > > > pants,
>>> and
>>> > > > began
>>> > > > hoisting the little boys up one by one holding onto their "wee
>>> > > > wees"
>>> to
>>> > > > direct
>>> > > > the flow away from their clothes.
>>> > > >
>>> > > > As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was
>> unusually
>>> > well
>>> > > > endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher
>>> > > > said,
>>> "You
>>> > > > must
>>> > > > be in the 5th grade."
>>> > > >
>>> > > > No, ma'am, " he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in
>>> > > > the
>>> > > > seventh."
AnswerID: 111221

Follow Up By: Member - Ross H (QLD) - Friday, May 13, 2005 at 19:43

Friday, May 13, 2005 at 19:43
one more

As the American Airlines B-777 airliner pushed back from the gate, the
>> flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding
>> seat belts, etc.
>> Finally, she said,
>> "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell,
>> and crew take you safely to your destination."
>> Joe sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,
>> "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"
>> When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said,
>> "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"
>> "Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."
>> "My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas.
>> I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."
>> "That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no longer call it
>> the cock pit. Now it's the box office."
FollowupID: 367613

Reply By: Member - Mike H (VIC) - Friday, May 13, 2005 at 20:22

Friday, May 13, 2005 at 20:22
Lifted from a Seniors Forum:

Sex in Florida

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.
AnswerID: 111224

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