phriday funnies

A man gets up one morning to find his wife

already in the kitchen cooking.

He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees

one of his socks in the frying pan.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night

whenyou came to bed very drunk," she replied

Completely puzzled, the man walks away

thinkingto himself, "I don't remember asking

her to cook my sock..."

Marriage (Part I)

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the
wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I
don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table
unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing,
boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a
hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that
there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

(DAMN SHE'S GOOD!)

************************************************

Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th

wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads, "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever. "

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone

that reads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last."

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

*****************************************

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the

breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says,

"And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and
rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated
husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

*****************************************

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He

is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of
Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go
home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts

right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

*****************************************

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were

giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly the man realized that
the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early
morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence(and LOSE),
he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."

He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning the man
woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened

him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper

said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

*****************************************

God may have created man before woman but there is always a rough draft
before the masterpiece.

A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons the bartender.
"Hey, bartender, gimmie a whiskey."

The bartender ignores him.

"Hey bartender, gimmie a whiskey." Still ignored.

"HEY BARMAN!! GIMMIE A WHISKEY!!"

The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the left
front leg. The dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain.

Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing cowboy boots, jeans,
chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns. He ambles slowly into the saloon,
goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender, "I'm here
t'git the man that shot muh paw."

Cheers

Buggerlux

>A large corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of
>our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing.
>"You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for
>something to eat, but please......... don't eat any of the employees".
>The cannibals promised they would not.
>Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm
>satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared.
>Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their
>heads "No".
>After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others,
>"Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly.
>"You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating
>managers
>and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who
>actually does something!!!

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little
girl named Mary on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike" the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a
safety violation.

The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector
light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there
sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the
dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

Subject: Senior stealth

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening
with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking
for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock
and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I
don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another
ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The
young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The
old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by
check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now
and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring
up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no
money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

Apologies to our Territorian cobbers .......

ETIQUETTE OF THE NORTHERN TERRITORY

General Rules

Never take a beer to a job interview.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
It's tacky to take an esky to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take
the trailer to the funeral home

DINING OUT

When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so
as not to bruise the wine. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it
with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good
his manners. (You hear that Dean!!)

PERSONAL HYGIENE

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private,
using ones OWN Ute keys. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste
of money.
Use of toiletries can only delay bathing a few days.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, as it detracts from a
woman's jewellery and alters the taste of finger foods.

DATING (outside the family)

Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go
out with you since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago."
Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say
10:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's
the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE

Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie
ends. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have
proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may get you shot.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A track suit with a cummerbund and
a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance. Though
uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun's loaded
and the roo's in sight. When approaching a roundabout, the vehicle with
the largest tyres doesn't always have the right of way. Never tow
another car using panty hose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to
ask her to also bring back beer.

>>
>> 50,000 Kiwis meet in Eden Park for a "Kiwis Are Not Stupid"
>>Convention.
>>
>> Helen Clark says, "We are all here today to prove to the world
>>thet
>> Kiwis are not stupid. Ken I hev a volunteer."
>>
>>
>>
>> Carlos Spencer gingerly works his way through the crowd and
>>steps up to
>> the stage.
>>
>> Helen asks him, "What uz fufteen plus fufteen?"
>>
>> After fufteen or 20 seconds Carlos says, "Eighteen!"
>>
>> Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then all 50,000
>>Kiwis
>> start chanting, "GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER
>>CHANCE!"
>>
>> Helen says, "Well sunce we've gone to the trouble of gitting
>>50,000 of
>> you un one place end we have the world wide priss end global
>>broadcast
>> media here, I thunk we ken guv hum another chance."
>>
>> So she asks, "What uz sivven plus sivven?"
>>
>> After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety!"
>>
>>
>>
>> Helen is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a
>>dejected sigh
>> - everyone is disheartened.
>>
>> Carlos starts crying and the 50,000 Kiwis begin to yell and wave
>>their
>> hands shouting, "GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER
>>CHANCE!"
>>
>> Helen, unsure whether or not she is doing more harm than damage,
>> eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance...What uz two
>>plus two?"
>>
>>
>> Carlos closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually
>>says,
>> "Four!"
>> Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 50,000
>>Kiwis jump
>> to their feet, wave their arms, stamp their feet and scream...
>>
>> "GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"
>>
>>

CAREFUL WHAT YOU KISS

According to a news report, a certain private school in Owensville recently was faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators.

BIG BROTHER

A seven-year old and a four-year old are upstairs in their bedroom "You know what?", says the seven-year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing." The four-year old nods his head in approval.

“When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, then you swear after me, ok?" The four-year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the seven-year old what he wants for breakfast.

"Oh, sh*t mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops".

WHACK!! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looks at the four-year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your f***ing life it won't be Coco Pops!"

DON’T LIE TO A POLICEMAN

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big tits.