Phryday Phunnies

The Saskatchewan Cow



The only cow in a small town in Alberta, Canada, stopped giving milk. The
people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in Melfort,
Saskatchewan, for $200. They bought the cow from Saskatchewan and the cow
was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people
were pleased and very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows
like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the
bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the local veterinarian, who
was very wise, what to do. They told the vet what was happening.

"Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away," they said. "If he
approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from
the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to
the other side."

The veterinarian thinks about this for a minute and asks, "Did you buy
this cow in Saskatchewan?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they
bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know
we got the cow in Saskatchewan?"

The veterinarian replied, with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from
Saskatchewan."

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Talking dog

>> >
>> >A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the
>> >semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.
>> >
>> >Then he gets an idea. He calls his Redneck father. "Dad," he says, "you
>> >won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why,
>> >they actually have a program here that will teach your dog Fido how to
>> >talk!"
>> >
>> >"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get Fido in that
>> >program?"
>> >
>> >"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into
>> >the course."
>> >
>> >So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the
>> >semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.
>> >
>> > "So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.
>> >
>> > "Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't
>> >believe this - they've had such good results with this program, that
>> >they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
>> >
>> >"READ?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in
>> >that program?"
>> >
>> >"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."His father sends the
>> >money.
>> >The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out
>> >that the dog can neither talk nor read, so he shoots the dog. When he
>> >gets home, his father is all excited.
>> >
>> >"Where's Fido? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
>> >
>> >"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got
>> >out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the
>> >recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he
>> >turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with
>> >that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'
>> >
>> >The father says, "I hope you SHOT that lyin' son of a bitch!"
>> >
>> >"I sure did, Dad!"
>> >
>> >"That's my boy".

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

What I Can Still Do
2005 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(16 January 2005, Florida) Two North Fort Myers residents, 23-year-old Molly and her husband, had rented a room in a local motel for some unspecified activity, perhaps involving perpetuation of the species. As Molly entered the second-floor room, she went straight for the lanai, which overlooked a concrete patio. Most guests would have seen the railing on the edge of the lanai as a safety feature, but for Molly it brought to mind fond memories of her youthful gymnastic abilities.
Molly called out to Todd, "Watch to see what I can still do." These would be her last words. She did a flip onto the railing for a handstand, just the way she used to do, then toppled over the other side, slamming into the patio 15 feet below. She was pronounced dead at the hospital.
Freeway Dangler
2005 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(31 May 2005, Seattle, Washington) Strength and endurance are two of the most important characteristics that can be passed on to improve the species, so physical challenges between males are frequent. In this case, two drinking buddies found themselves on an overpass 40 feet above a busy freeway in downtown Seattle at 2:45 a.m. It turned out to be the perfect place to determine who had more strength and endurance. Whoever could dangle from the overpass the longest would win!
Unfortunately, the winner was too tired from his victory to climb back up, despite help from his 31-year-old friend. The unidentified champion fell smack into the front of a semi-truck barreling down the highway at 60 mph and bounced onto the pavement, where he was hit by a car. The car did not stop. Authorities did not identify the winner of the competition.

Wales Wins
2005 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
Note: Police reported that Geoff had a history of mental problems, so he may not have been of sound mind at the time. If so, this is regarded as a disqualification for a Darwin Award.
(8 February 2005, Caerphilly, Wales) "If Wales wins, I'll cut my balls off," Geoff told his mates at a social club while watching the rugby match between England and its arch-rival. His friends thought the 26-year-old was joking, but after Wales' 11-9 victory over England, he went home, castrated himself with a knife, and walked the length of two rugby fields back to the bar to show his shocked friends the evidence.
It was Wales's first home win over England in 12 years.
Geoff was taken to a hospital where he remained "in a seriously ill condition."

The Nuisance of Seatbelts
2005 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(5 January 2005, Nebraska) In September of his senior year at the University of Nebraska, 21-year-old Derek wrote an impassioned declaration of independence from seatbelts for his college newspaper. Although these "intrusive and ridiculous" laws saved 6100 lives a year, according to statistics from the U.S. Congress, Derek concluded with the statement, "If I want to be the jerk that flirts with death, I should be able to do that."
Derek's father said he "was a bright young boy, a 4.0," majoring in five subjects and planning to attend law school. He was also smart enough to tutor his friends in subjects he didn't even take. But good grades don't equate with common sense.
Derek was returning from a holiday in San Antonio, Texas. The driver of the Ford Explorer and his front seat passenger both wore seatbelts. Only Derek was willing to buck the system, sitting without a seatbelt in the back seat, possibly reminding his friends, in the words of his newspaper column, that he belonged to the "die-hard group of non-wearers out there who simply do not wish to buckle up, no matter what the government does."
Around 3 a.m. the SUV hit a patch of ice, slid off Interstate 80, and rolled several times. Derek, in an involuntary display of his freedom from regulation, was thrown from the vehicle. He died at the scene. His friends, slaves to the seatbelt, survived with minor injuries.
Alcohol was not involved in the accident.

Off-Road Driving
2005 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(6 January 2005, Johannesburg, South Africa) Massive thunderstorms had turned the Braamfontein Spruit into a raging river. It was a little past midnight when police warned Barbara, 33, that a flash flood was inundating the bridge ahead. They urged her not to cross. But Barbara was driving a BMW X3, an off-road vehicle with xDrive all-wheel-drive.
Brochures assured her that the luxury SUV with Sensatec upholstery and an 8-speaker stereo system had "virtually unlimited agility." So Barbara laughed off the police advice, and continued towards the bridge. xDrive all-wheel drive lost its grip as the floodwaters swept her BMW X3 off the bridge. Her body was found later inside the vehicle over a mile down the river.

"Plug Me In"
2005 Darwin Award WINNER
Confirmed True by Darwin
(7 March 2005, Vietnam) Nguyen, 21, had been drinking with friends in Hanoi, when he pulled out an old detonator he had found. It was about six centimeters long and eight centimeters in diameter, with two wires hanging out. Because it was old and rusty, Nguyen said, it couldn't explode. His friends disagreed.
To prove his point, Nguyen put the detonator in his mouth and asked his friend to plug the dangling wires into a 220-volt electrical receptacle.
Turns out Nyugen was wrong!
The victim had little time to reflect on his mistaken, or whether 220 volts alone could have been fatal. According to police, "the explosion blew out his cheeks and smashed all his teeth." He died on the way to the hospital.

Failed Frame-Up
2005 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(19 March 2005, Michigan) "Unusual" and "complicated" is how the Missaukee County sheriff described the mysterious death of 19-year-old Christopher, who called 911 at 1:22am and calmly informed the police dispatcher that his neighbor had stabbed him. Suddenly he began screaming and begging for help. A woman was heard shouting in the background, "Why did you do this?" Deputies arrived quickly, only to find that Christopher had bled to death from stab wounds to his chest.
After an evening spent imbibing large quantities of alcohol, Christopher noticed a shortage in his liquor supply that could not be attributed to his own depredations. He concluded that his neighbor had stolen a bottle of booze! He menaced said neighbor with a knife, to no avail, whereupon he retired to his own apartment to brood about revenge.
Finally he figured out the perfect way to get back at that conniving bottle-thief: he would stab himself and blame the neighbor!
A witness saw Christopher enter the bathroom while he called police. When he emerged from the bathroom, he looked perfectly fine, but a moment later he began screaming as gouts of blood spewed from his chest. He ran to the door of the apartment, and collapsed.
The evidence pointed to self-inflicted wounds. Deputies found the knife that killed him in the kitchen, and an autopsy concluded that he had stabbed himself in the chest twice. The first wound may not have looked dangerous enough to him, so he took the knife and tried again, this time plunging it into his left ventricle. This wound was plenty dangerous: he had only two minutes to live.
Christopher died in vain. His deathbed accusation fell on deaf ears, as a witness stated that the neighbor was not in the apartment, and the neighbor offered to take a lie-detector test to demonstrate his innocence. All Christopher got for revenge was an accidental death sentence.

Chimney-Cleaning Grenade
2005 Darwin Award Winner
Confirmed True by Darwin
(13 January 2005, Croatia) One fateful afternoon, 55-year-old Marko retreated to his semi-detached workshop to make himself a tool for chimney cleaning. The chimney was too high for a simple broom to work, but if he could attach a brush to a chain and then weigh it down with something, that would do the trick. But what could he use as a weight?
He happened to have the perfect object. It was heavy, yet compact. And best of all, it was made of metal, so he could weld it to the chain. He must have somehow overlooked the fact that it was also a hand grenade and was filled with explosive material.
Marko turned on his welding apparatus and began to create an arc between the chain and the grenade. As the metal heated up, the grenade exploded. The force of the explosion killed poor Marko instantly, blasting shrapnel through the walls of the shed and bleep tering the windshield of a Mercedes parked outside. Marko's chimney was untouched, however.

Surprise Attack Surprise
2005 Darwin Award Winner
Confirmed True by Darwin
(3 January 2005, St. Maurice, Switzerland) It was the first week of a weapons refresher course, and Swiss Army Grenadier Detachment 20/5 had just finished training with live ammunition. The shooting instructor ordered the soldiers to secure their weapons for a break.
The 24-year-old second lieutenant, in charge of this detachment, decided this would be a good time to demonstrate a knife attack on a soldier. Wielding his bayonet, he leaped toward one of his men, achieving complete surprise.
But earlier that week, the soldiers had been drilled to release the safety catch and ready their guns for firing in the shortest possible time. The surprised soldier, seeing his lieutenant leaping toward him with a knife, snapped off a shot to protect himself from the attack.
The lesson could not have been more successful: the soldier had saved himself and protected the rest of the detachment from a surprise attack. The lieutenant might have wished to commend his soldier on his quick action and accurate marksmanship. Unfortunately, he had been killed with one shot.
And this, kiddies, is why we don't play with knives or guns. Ever. Even if we are trained professionals, and especially if our target is a trained professional.

Playing with Elephants
2005 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(28 January 2005, Pendang, Thailand) It's no secret that elephants are big. Elephants eat hundreds of pounds of food a day just to maintain their weight. Indian elephants are nine feet tall at the shoulder. They're so powerful that in Southeast Asia, males are used to haul massive tree trunks with their three-foot tusks, work performed by heavy equipment in other countries.
It's also no secret that teasing an animal makes it mad. Teasing a animal that can carry a tree with its tusks may not be a good idea. Yet that was the very idea that formed in Prawat's head, when he saw a herd of five performing elephants chained to trees outside a Buddhist temple.
While the owner waited inside for an entertainment permit, Prawat, a 50-year-old rubber-tapper, offered sugar cane to one of the ever-hungry elephants... then pulled it away. Then he did it again. And again. And again.
The game was great fun for Prawat, but the elephant quickly tired of it. The last time Prawat withdrew the treat, the elephant swung his massive tusks and gored him through the stomach. Prawat died on the way to the hospital.

Rocketing to Glory
2005 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(07 February 2005, Malaysia) Fireworks are a longstanding lunar New Year's tradition among Malaysia's large Chinese minority and continue to be widely used to celebrate, despite a ban on their sale and use.
Wan, a 29-year-old excavator operator, spent the evening watching people set off fireworks outside a suburban Kuala Lumpur nightclub. These were no mere firecrackers. They were rockets that shot as high as a ten-story building before exploding.
His curiosity piqued, Wan bent over one of the launching tubes for a closer look, wondering how these powerful rockets worked. He was peering down the tube when it fired, sending him flying ten meters. He died instantly from severe head injuries, according to a senior police official.

Mining for Elephants
2005 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(15 February 2005, Rushinga, Zimbabwe) The elephants were trampling Christian's maize field, which he planted on an elephant trail of long standing. He had to find a way to fight back! Fortunately, there was an old minefield nearby, on the Zimabwe-Mozambique border. Christian figured a few landmines planted around his field would soon teach the elephants a lesson they would never forget.
Christian may have gotten the idea of using the mines from a couple of incidents that had recently transpired. A local resident had been injured after picking up a landmine while herding cattle the week before. A week before that, another Rushinga man had lost part of his leg after stepping on a landmine. The other villagers saw the writing on the wall, and avoided the landmines.
But Christian realized they were just what he needed! Clearly, these mines could cause great damage to an elephant! He dug up five that had been exposed by recent heavy rains, and began carrying them home.
These unstable mines detonated, killing Christian instantly.
Then total number of elephants injured? Zero.

Death Valley Daze
2005 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(27 July 2005, California) Robert, 35, was eager to hang out with the nudists at the Palm Springs campground, in a part of Death Valley where temperatures reached 136 degrees. The track was rough but passable until he was lured into the Saline Mud Flats by the deceptively dry appearance of its crackled surface, radiating heat in the baking sun. Within a few feet, the wheels of his VW microbus sunk deep into the muck that lay hidden beneath the crust.
Robert was miles from nowhere, surrounded by the bleached skulls of other animals that had become trapped in the mire. But he had plenty of water, so he waited for help to find him on the remote dirt track. After six days, he abandoned the microbus and began walking to a less deserted location where someone was more likely to pass.
Luck was with him! As he was shaking the last drop of water from his bottle, help arrived in the form of 14-year-old British lads from the League of Venturers, who were training in search-and-rescue techniques. "He was crying and completely hysterical. I don't think he expected to last the day," said the unit leader. They gave him a lift to the nearest ranger station, 80 miles away, where he kissed the ground in gratitude.
Robert had cheated death once, but that didn't stop him from tempting fate again.
In nearby Bishop, he found someone to tow the microbus out of the mudflats. Alas, it had two flat tires and other mechanical problems, so he returned to Bishop for automotive supplies. He snagged another ride into Death Valley, this time with a couple who took an unfamiliar route from the north, and dropped him off at a washout in the road about 15 miles from the Palm Springs campground.
His plan was to locate the campground and enlist help fixing his vehicle. He stashed his supplies and began walking. His body was found three days later, without a map, a GPS, or even water. Authorities estimated that he had walked along the road for 10 miles before heading into the open desert, seeking water

Tide Waits for No Man
2005 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(23 May 2005, Texas) After surf-fishing on Crystal Beach, John was fatigued, but unwilling to call it a night. The full moon threatened to disturbed his nap, so John curled up for forty winks in the darkest place available: underneath his truck, which was parked on the beach.
The next morning, a pickup truck was reported abandoned in the surf off Crystal Beach. A tow truck driver was called in, and had barely moved the pickup a foot, when he found the body of a 37-year-old man embedded in the sand beneath it.
It turned out that the truck was not abandoned, after all. As John slept, time passed and the tide rolled back in. The wet sand shifted shift beneath the truck's weight, and John was trapped beneath it, unable to escape. The beach became his final resting place.

All Wound Up
2005 Darwin Award Nominee
Unconfirmed by Darwin
(28 April 2005, Moscow, Russia) A construction worker drilling the foundation of a parking garage project on Starobitsevskaya Street noticed something shiny stuck to the swiftly rotating auger. He took a closer look but still couldn't identify the shiny object, so he reached down to grab it. Unfortunately, his jacket caught on the auger, winding his hand, his arm, and then his whole body into the apparatus. By the time his fellow workers could shut down the rig, "only the man's legs below the knees remained intact," according to the daily newspaper

Heck on Wheels
2005 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(17 April 2005, Syracuse, Indiana) Late one night, 26-year-old Joseph was blazing down the road in the Chain O'Lakes district on his Yamaha moped. When he saw flashing lights in his rear-view mirror, well... with the wind whistling through his ears, he apparently concluded that his moped could outrun a police cruiser. This hard-boiled Heck's Angels wannabe revved his engine and roared off.
The speedometer needle flashed past 10--20--30mph, and within a minute, it was in the red zone at a blinding 40 mph. But no matter how fast Joseph went, he was unable to shake the pursuing police officer from his tail! If only he had a spare JATO strapped to his machine.
The two-stroke engine was buzzing like a hummingbird from the strain of the chase. Perhaps he was thinking, "You'll never take me alive, copper!" as he sped through the intersection. Whatever his last thoughts were, Joseph lost control of his would-be road rocket, crashed into a tree, and died instantly.

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WORDS FOR 2006: Essential additions to the workplace vocabulary.

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a Cube Farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMS: (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage). What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding (or not) was a prime example.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

OHNOSECOND: That miniscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.

CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously farting while passing through a Cube Farm.

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Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devasted, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Brian
"Well just relax and let it happen"
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Brian, wake up you drunken idiot, you're schitting yourself"
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;-)))