Phrydai Phunnies

Submitted: Friday, Feb 17, 2006 at 10:35
ThreadID: 30866 Views:2380 Replies:14 FollowUps:2
This Thread has been Archived
Careful, this might be us one day.


A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well
groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a
good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an
upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady,
(mid eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders
a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here
often?"


An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a
set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly
gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your
hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear
again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just
sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three
times!"
>>

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench
under a tree when one turns to the other and says . . "Slim, I'm 83
years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about
my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a new-born baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think
I just wet my pants. "
>>

Dinner
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after
eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two
gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new
restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man
thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower
you give to someone you love? You know ... the one that's red and has
thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of
that restaurant we went to last night?"
>>

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman
already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who
insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat
about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the
elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I
don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out
of her hospital gown."

____________________________________________________________________

"A lady from the Blue Mountains, NSW, who was a tree hugger and an
anti-hunter, purchased a piece of rural land to enjoy nature. There was a
large gum tree in the top paddock. She wanted a good view of the natural
splendour around her so she started to climb the old tree.

As she neared the top, she encountered a tawny frogmouth which flew at her.
In her haste to escape the lady slid down the tree and got many splinters in
her private parts. In serious pain she hurried to the nearest doctor. She
told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and explained how
she came to get the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to
go into the waiting room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and
waited for 3 hours before the doctor re-appeared. The angry lady demanded
"What took so long?"

He smiled and then explained, "Well, I had to get permits from the
Environmental Protection Authority, Land Care and the Conservation
Department; before I could remove old growth timber from a recreational
area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down".

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Reply By: Michael B - Friday, Feb 17, 2006 at 11:28

Friday, Feb 17, 2006 at 11:28
Forget where I heard this, hope it wasn't on this forum..lol

An old couple, in their twilight years, decided to go to a real flash restaurant for a meal. The place was packed with 'up-market' diners.

The old couple were enjoying the meal and wine and the general ambience, as they were starting the desserts the old lady lent over to her husband and whispered "darling I have just let out an enormous silent fart, what should I do?"

Hubby smiled faintly and said "first thing in the morning we will get your hearing tested"

Michael B (SA)
AnswerID: 155534

Reply By: Member - Pezza (QLD) - Friday, Feb 17, 2006 at 11:52

Friday, Feb 17, 2006 at 11:52
Three men - an American, a Japanese and an Irishman were sitting
naked in a sauna. Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The American
pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The other men looked at him
questioningly.
"That was my pager" the American said. "I have a microchip under
the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm
to his ear. When he finished his conversation, he explained: "That was
my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand." The Irishman felt
decidedly low tech, but was determined not to be outdone. He
stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.

He returned with a long piece of toilet paper trailing from his backside.

The others raised their eyebrows at him. The Irishman glanced around and said:
"Bejesus! Wouldja look at dat!! I'm gettin' a fax!"
AnswerID: 155538

Reply By: Geoff M (Newcastle, NSW) - Friday, Feb 17, 2006 at 11:53

Friday, Feb 17, 2006 at 11:53
The Japanese eat very little fat and have fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.
Geoff,
Landcruiser HDJ78,
Grey hair is hereditary, you get it from children. Baldness is caused by watching the Wallabies.

Lifetime Member
My Profile  My Blog  Send Message

AnswerID: 155539

Reply By: ro-dah-o (WA) - Friday, Feb 17, 2006 at 12:09

Friday, Feb 17, 2006 at 12:09
A comment from a retiree regarding what they do to fill in their days.

Hope it doesnt reflect anyone on this forum LOL

"The other day I went into town and went to a shop.

I was only in there for about 5 minutes.

When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket .

I went up to him and said, "Awww, come on, how about giving a senior a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Nazi.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket having worn tires.

So I called him a piece of dog crap.

He finished the second ticket and he put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't give a crap.

I came into town by bus."

AnswerID: 155540

Reply By: Rotty - Friday, Feb 17, 2006 at 12:12

Friday, Feb 17, 2006 at 12:12
When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much smarter than men..
AnswerID: 155543

Reply By: nowimnumberone - Friday, Feb 17, 2006 at 12:30

Friday, Feb 17, 2006 at 12:30
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and upon returning to her car, she found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken,then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and then drove to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story doubled over on the floor with laughter. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

AnswerID: 155546

Reply By: rolande- Friday, Feb 17, 2006 at 14:07

Friday, Feb 17, 2006 at 14:07
Two retired army general's were having dinner together at the veteran's home.

One asked the other, "when was the last time you were with a woman?"

"Hmmmm..... let me see. Young nurse, nice body, 1942 I think."

"That was a while ago." says the first general

"Not really." replies the second "It's only 20:00 hours now."
AnswerID: 155569

Reply By: Truckster (Vic) - Friday, Feb 17, 2006 at 14:16

Friday, Feb 17, 2006 at 14:16
> COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
>
> ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
>
> COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and
I'm
> thinking about buying a computer.
>
> ABBOTT: Mac?
>
> COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
>
> ABBOTT: Your computer?
>
> COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
>
> ABBOTT: Mac?
>
> COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
>
> ABBOTT: What about Windows?
>
> COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy?
>
> ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
>
> COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at
the
> windows?
>
> ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
>
> COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and
software.
>
> ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
>
> COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to
> write proposals and track expenses
> and run my business. What do you have?
>
> ABBOTT: Office.
>
> COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
>
> ABBOTT: I just did.
>
> COSTELLO: You just did what?
>
> ABBOTT: Recommend something.
>
> COSTELLO: You recommended something?
>
> ABBOTT: Yes.
>
> COSTELLO: For my office?
>
> ABBOTT: Yes.
>
> COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
>
> ABBOTT: Office.
>
> COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
>
> ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
>
> COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK,
let's just
> say I'm sitting at my computer and I
> want to type a proposal. What do I need?
>
> ABBOTT: Word.
>
> COSTELLO: What word?
>
> ABBOTT: Word in Office.
>
> COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
>
> ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
>
> COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
>
> ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue
"W".
>
> COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if
you don't start
> with some straight answers. What
> about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track
my
> money with?
>
> ABBOTT: Money.
>
> COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
>
> ABBOTT: Money.
>
> COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
>
> ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
>
> COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
>
> ABBOTT: Money.
>
> COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
>
> ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
>
> COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How
much?
>
> ABBOTT: One copy.
>
> COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
>
> ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
>
> COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
>
> ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
>
> (A few days later)
>
> ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
>
> COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
>
> ABBOTT: Click on "START".............
AnswerID: 155570

Reply By: Goughy - Friday, Feb 17, 2006 at 16:14

Friday, Feb 17, 2006 at 16:14
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.
The landlord looks at him and says, “But you’re a duck”.
“I see your eyes are working”, replies the duck.
“And you talk!” exclaims the landlord.
“I see your ears are working”, says the duck, “Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?”
“Certainly”, says the landlord, “sorry about that, it’s just we don’t get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?”
“I’m working on the building site across the road”, explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him, “You’re with the circus aren’t you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!”.
“Sounds marvellous”, says the ringleader, “get him to give me a call”.
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, “Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!”
“Yeah?” says the duck, “Sounds great, where is it?”
“At the circus”, says the landlord.
“The circus?” the duck enquires.
“That’s right”, replies the landlord.
“The circus?
“Yes”
“That place with the big tent?”
“Yeah”

“With all the animals?”
“Of Course”
“With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle”, asks the duck.
“That’s right!” says the landlord.
The duck looks confused. “What the f*%k would they want with a plasterer?”
AnswerID: 155581

Follow Up By: Member - Brian (Gold Coast) - Friday, Feb 17, 2006 at 17:41

Friday, Feb 17, 2006 at 17:41
GOLD!!!!!
0
FollowupID: 409594

Reply By: Bonz (Vic) - Friday, Feb 17, 2006 at 16:21

Friday, Feb 17, 2006 at 16:21
Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, So they go back to mom and dads for the night.
In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think? "
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, he comes home and asks, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says, "No."
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "OK! What do you think?"
He says, "Well, last night Fred came in for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
.
Time is an illusion produced by the passage of history
.

Lifetime Member
My Profile  My Blog  My Position  Send Message
Moderator

AnswerID: 155585

Reply By: Bonz (Vic) - Friday, Feb 17, 2006 at 16:28

Friday, Feb 17, 2006 at 16:28
Roachie and others please remember there are rules here. I have received special dispensation for a dual post for the following owing to its "wince/shudder" factor.................................

After a long night of making love, a couple lies in bed together. The man notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed that he hadn't seen earlier. He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues. "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No,
no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then!!! ???" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."
.
Time is an illusion produced by the passage of history
.

Lifetime Member
My Profile  My Blog  My Position  Send Message
Moderator

AnswerID: 155587

Reply By: Shaker - Friday, Feb 17, 2006 at 16:44

Friday, Feb 17, 2006 at 16:44
A Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The bloke says: " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
AnswerID: 155592

Reply By: Mr Fawlty - Friday, Feb 17, 2006 at 18:07

Friday, Feb 17, 2006 at 18:07
To hell with the rules... I'm posting more than one joke:
ZEN SARCASM


1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not
walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper,
that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you
criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a
boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never pass up the opportunity to keep your mouth shut.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.


Subject: More on the War on Terror


Fed up with hearing "We don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama decided to send George Bush a note in his own handwriting to show he was still in the game.
It contained a single line:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he E-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi hadn't a clue so he sent it on to the FBI. No one there could solve the code so it went to the CIA, then on to NSA.
Bush eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. MI-6 cabled the White House:
"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down." !!!

AnswerID: 155605

Follow Up By: Member - Glenn D (NSW) - Friday, Feb 17, 2006 at 21:32

Friday, Feb 17, 2006 at 21:32
#14 is my rule . : )
0
FollowupID: 409634

Reply By: Muzzgit (WA) - Saturday, Feb 18, 2006 at 02:35

Saturday, Feb 18, 2006 at 02:35
A duck walks up to a bar and asks the barman
"got any bread?"

The barman says, well I'll be buggered, a duck that talks....

....................................................................................

A duck walks up to a bar and asks the barman
"got any bread?"

NO, we're a pub, we have beer on tap, wine by bottle and spirits on the shelf.
"So what will it be then?"

The duck asks "got any bread?"
The barman says, NO, we're a pub, we have beer on tap, wine by bottle and spirits on the shelf. I'll let you think about that while I pour a beer for that fella over there.

A while later the barman comes back and asks "what will it be then?"

The duck asks "got any bread?"
The barman says, NO FOR F**K SAKE!!!!!!, we're a pub. We have beer on tap, wine by bottle and spirits on the shelf. I'll let you think about that while I pour a beer for those two up the other end.

When he comes back the duck asks the same thing again !!!!
FOR CHRISTS SAKE, NO.
WE'RE A PUB.
WE HAVE BEER ON TAP, WINE BY THE BOTTLE AND SPIRITS ON THE SHELF. AND IF YOU ASK ME THAT AGAIN I'M GONNA NAIL YOUR GOD DAMN BEAK TO THE BAR. HHMMPPHHHH.

The barman storms off to serve other customers and after a long time comes back to the duck and asks "what will it be then?"

The duck asks "got any nails?"

The barman answers. NO, I DON'T HAVE ANY NAILS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The duck asks, "got any bread?"
AnswerID: 155681

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