Phriday Phunnies...

Hey John

An oldie but a goodie bud.....Thanks for the laugh!

TGIF

Cheers HLC

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Porsche back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, 'I think I can stand over the hole!' So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, 'Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up.' And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Porsche to pick up chicks

---so I'm told.

Michael B (SA)

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park
bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the
park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened
his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.

But Tilly, bless her heart, being older and more feeble, couldn't quite
reach that far.

Irish Smiles

Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.
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Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
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The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.
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An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?"

"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.
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Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?

Answer - So the English can understand them.
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Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."

"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
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Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"

Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."
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Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?"

"No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."
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Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?

A. A bachelor.
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Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.

Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?

Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home .
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Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" He said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"

"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.

"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."
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"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"

"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"
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Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
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My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs

Best (US) headlines of 2005:

1. Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[Imagine that!]

2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]

3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]

4. Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

5. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]

6. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!]

7. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?!]

8. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Fire Chief- "Hello, Fire department"
Edwin- "Yeah, My name Edwin & my house is on fire!"
Fire Chief- "OK mate, calm down, how do we get there?"
Edwin- " uuuummmmm, You still got that big red truck?"

An Oldie but with a current theme...
Brokeback Wyoming

A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS"

The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I do?"
The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape-nuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."

The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."

Getting Screwed


Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his office...but she belonged to someone else...

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said
I'll give you a $1000 dollars if you let me screw you...but the girl said NO.
Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down,
I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. She thoughtfor a moment
and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend...

so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says ask him for $2000 dollars, pick up the money very
fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.
So she agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.

Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks what happened...

She said "The bastard used coins"

A little kid is sitting in biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon in nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this. Suddenly, the little boy's hand shoots up.
"Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Christopher," replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss, just the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah, the neighbor's Rottweiler came around the corner, and my cat arched his back and went "ffffffffffffff! fffffffffffffff! ffffffffffffff!" but before the cat could say " bleep Off!!! the dog ate him".

A lawyer and a blonde happen to be sitting next to each other on a long cross-country flight. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. Now, this blonde happens to be highly intelligent, but she is tired so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy. He explains how the game works.

"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa." Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde, he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer: "Okay, how about this? If you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes back down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Internet and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his colleagues and friends, trying to get some help, all to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the answer, he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who cannot imagine what the answer is, is going nuts trying to figure it out. He wakes the blonde again and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes back down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Two men on the golf course

"my wife is an angel"

"Your lucky, mine is still alive"

BOOM BOOM

Regards
Russell

This is for Des.

THE DYSLEXIC NURSE

Two doctors in practice in a small country clinic had to hire a new nurse
when the one they had won the lottery and quit. They interviewed Nurse Nancy
and decided to hire her. She had only worked two days when one doctor called
the other to his office and said that they would have to let Nurse Nancy go.

"Why, we just hired her?"

"Well, I think she is dyslexic and gets things backward. I told her to give
Mr. Smith two shots of morphine every 24 hours, but she gave him 24 shots
in two hours and it almost killed him. I told her to give Mrs. Jones an
enema every twelve hours and she gave her twelve in one hour."

The doctor had barely finished his reasons when the other doctor rushed out
of the room. "Where are you going in such a hurry?" the first doctor asked.

"To see Nurse Nancy, I just instructed her to prick Mr. Hill's Boil!"

Andy

A man arrived home from work at his usual hour to find it had not been one of his wife's better days. Nothing he said or did was right.

Around seven o'clock, he suggested that he go outside, pretend to have just gotten home from work, and start their evening all over again.

His wife agreed.

He went outside, returned with a big smile, and announced, "Honey, I'm home!"

She scolded, "And exactly where have you been? It's after seven o'clock!"

Mmmm.................... v.funny!

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive,
Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man
should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door
baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know
babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry
and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm
sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that"
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat "And these
twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack
it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed! on your,
um... equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and
we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too
heavy to be held in the hand very long."
With that, Mrs. Smith fainted.

Grrr!!!