Finy Fruday!

Submitted: Friday, May 26, 2006 at 08:41
ThreadID: 34276 Views:2431 Replies:10 FollowUps:5
This Thread has been Archived
How tough are Aussie men?
>
>
>The scene is set - a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire
flickering,
>stars twinkling in the dark sky.
>
>Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire, one from
Australia,
>one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland. Each embroiled in the
>bravado for which they are famous.
>
>The night of tales begins...
>
>Kiven the Kiwi says, "I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider
there
>es.
>Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale,
who
>came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I
grebbed
>the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer
>hends"
>
>Hansie from Seth Efrika who typically can't stand to be bettered said,
>"Well
>you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny
>trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move
on
>me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind
>then
>sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here
>today"
>
>Bazza the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his
bleep .

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her,

"If you release me from this trap, I will grant

You three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said,

"Thank you, but I failed to

mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get . times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the

Most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make

Your husband the most handsome man that ever lived, an Adonis whom women

will swoon over and flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful

Woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM!!! - She's the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her

Second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world by far.

And he will be ten times richer than you. "The woman said, "That's

okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM!!! - She's the richest woman in the world! The frog then

Inquired about her third wish, and after careful consideration she

answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

ATTENTION female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop

here and

continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really

smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show

that women are nosey and never listen!!!
Back Expand Un-Read 0 Moderator

Reply By: Mr Fawlty - Friday, May 26, 2006 at 09:30

Friday, May 26, 2006 at 09:30
This may have been posted but it is worth remembering...

ZEN SARCASM


1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not
walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper,
that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you
criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a
boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never pass up the opportunity to keep your mouth shut.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
AnswerID: 174838

Reply By: Sparkiepete - Friday, May 26, 2006 at 09:41

Friday, May 26, 2006 at 09:41
The Police Stop

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding
and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended
when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this
vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of
it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove
box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after
I shot and killed the woman who owns this car
and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called
his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by
police, and the captain approached the driver
to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove
box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove
box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk?
I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer
who stopped you said you told him you didn't
have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the
glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the
trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding,
too.

AnswerID: 174841

Reply By: robak (QLD) - Friday, May 26, 2006 at 10:07

Friday, May 26, 2006 at 10:07
sunrise

Language Warning
AnswerID: 174850

Follow Up By: ZUKSCOOTERX90(QLD-MEMBER) - Friday, May 26, 2006 at 17:46

Friday, May 26, 2006 at 17:46
That is " CLASSIC" one wonder's why it was not aired.
0
FollowupID: 431028

Reply By: Member - Traveller (QLD) - Friday, May 26, 2006 at 10:27

Friday, May 26, 2006 at 10:27
That's funny??

The pathetic loser didn't have the guts to do it on his own taxpayer funded TV show that rates in the low teens! It wouldn't have gone to air.

Is this the brave new world we've heard so much about?
AnswerID: 174856

Follow Up By: Jayk - Friday, May 26, 2006 at 19:07

Friday, May 26, 2006 at 19:07
Not a loser, just a member of the Chaser Team who'd been on doing a promo for their show.

There is more to the story including photos of a banner hanging off an overpass asking his wife for a divorce, and an announcement along similar lines on the big screen at a rock concert.... a spoof in short, aimed at those people who do cutesie wedding proposals along these lines.

jc
Why? ... Why not?

Member
My Profile  My Position  Send Message

0
FollowupID: 431034

Follow Up By: Member - Traveller (QLD) - Friday, May 26, 2006 at 19:23

Friday, May 26, 2006 at 19:23
So being a loser member of the chaser team makes it OK? On breakfast TV? Give us a break! My wife's a teacher and has to deal with the aftermath of these pathetic morons and their "spoofs" with her 15 year old students. Absolutely pathetic.
0
FollowupID: 431037

Follow Up By: murray murray - Friday, May 26, 2006 at 19:37

Friday, May 26, 2006 at 19:37
Traveller,
It never went to air on Breakfast TV. It was part of an on going gag on their own show. I understand you are upset about the use of this type of language being used as "humour". I agree and teens today have an aggressive language that they use in daily conversation, then think this is normal. Rove has a much wider viewing base and uses the same language. We may all use it, but when it is common place on TV it validates the language. The viewers seem to like it and the shows that use shock tactics are getting the ratings. Look at Big Brother for instance - a voyeur's paridise with no social conscience.

Cheers

0
FollowupID: 431042

Follow Up By: robak (QLD) - Monday, May 29, 2006 at 10:33

Monday, May 29, 2006 at 10:33
C'mon guys don't be so uptight. This language wasn't invented by todays youth.

I remember I was first exposed to this type of language as everyday conversation when I was a teenager. It wasn't at school. It was when I went for work experience in a professional office.
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FollowupID: 431404

Reply By: GaryInOz (Vic) - Friday, May 26, 2006 at 10:28

Friday, May 26, 2006 at 10:28
True story, posted on 4x4wire.com.

--------------------------

A friend of mine who is a volunteer fireman told me a interesting KIA story. He and his team recently responded to a car fire here in central Texas. The car, a KIA Sedona the best he could tell, was engulfed in flames. After emptying his complete tank from his unit and mostly extengusing the flames he noticed somthing odd. Although the car was completly melted to a odd shape.......it was still running! He had to hammer down what was left of the air box and throttle body to get it to die.
Hope mines that tough
AnswerID: 174857

Reply By: madcow - Friday, May 26, 2006 at 10:31

Friday, May 26, 2006 at 10:31
An elderly couple, Ray and Carol, are "seniors" in Texas. Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them,
wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?" Carol looks him over:
"Nope."
Frustrated Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"

Carol looks up and says: "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Ray yells: "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING
DOWN, CAROL? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT
MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!!!"
To which Carol replies: "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat."
AnswerID: 174858

Reply By: Member - JohnR (Vic)&Moses - Friday, May 26, 2006 at 10:33

Friday, May 26, 2006 at 10:33
BUSH LEADERSHIP TEST,
While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is.
She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.
Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother
has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee
to the test. Bush summons Dick Lugar to the White House and says, "Senator Lugar, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Lugar hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"
Bush agrees, and Lugar leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for
several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Lugar calls Rice at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now lookee here, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Rice answers immediately, "It's me, of course."
Much relieved, Lugar rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Condoleezza Rice!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb bastard, it's Tony Blair!"
Cheers,
Who?
John

Member
My Profile  My Position  Send Message

AnswerID: 174860

Reply By: Member - Ross H (QLD) - Friday, May 26, 2006 at 11:08

Friday, May 26, 2006 at 11:08
Clear Day I love Grandma!

Lulu was a prostitute. One day there was a raid.
All the prostitutes were lined up outside the police
station as they took them in one by one. As Lulu
stood in line, she saw her Grandma coming down the
street and was so ashamed, Grandma didn't know her
occupation. Grandma stopped to say hi, and asked
what the line was for. Lulu, saving face, said that
the police were giving away fresh oranges to those
waiting. Grandma said wonderful, she loved oranges
and got at the end of the line. When the policeman
got to the end and saw her, he was amazed. He said,
"How the heck do you do this at your age?" She said
"I just take out my teeth, rip the skin back and
suck'em dry!" The policeman fainted
AnswerID: 174868

Reply By: Des Lexic - Friday, May 26, 2006 at 12:34

Friday, May 26, 2006 at 12:34
Classic Pick up Lines for blokes.
They would probably work too.

* Did you fart, cause you blew me away.

* Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.

* My Love for you is like diarrohea ... I can't hold it in.

* Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.

* Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.

* If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole.

* You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

* Man - Fat Penguin!

Woman - WHAT?

Man - I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.

* I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.

* I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

* Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

* If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

And - the best for last!







* Your face reminds me of a spanner, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up!

AnswerID: 174885

Reply By: Gramps (NSW) - Friday, May 26, 2006 at 17:59

Friday, May 26, 2006 at 17:59
DA VINCI CODE
Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:



It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least
three thousand years old!

The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists
from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge
meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: "This is a
woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell
they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey,
so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."

Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that
if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea.
The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were
evidently Hebrews.

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said,
"Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left......
It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick

AnswerID: 174949

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