Fridee Funee

Submitted: Friday, Jun 02, 2006 at 07:58
ThreadID: 34525 Views:2172 Replies:8 FollowUps:1
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One you can tell the kids...........

The Old Poodle

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking
her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doodoo now!" Noticing
some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look
of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a young monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and
strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says,
"Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his
back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says:

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story...
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullchit and brilliance only come with age and experience!
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Reply By: Pajman Pete (SA) - Friday, Jun 02, 2006 at 08:13

Friday, Jun 02, 2006 at 08:13
"Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill"

My kids are sick of hearing me say this - and proving it is true!

Any mug can be uncomfortable out bush

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AnswerID: 176271

Follow Up By: Scoey (QLD) - Friday, Jun 02, 2006 at 08:42

Friday, Jun 02, 2006 at 08:42
"If only the young knew; If only the old could."
FollowupID: 432278

Reply By: Mr Fawlty - Friday, Jun 02, 2006 at 10:08

Friday, Jun 02, 2006 at 10:08
I have to deal with Idiots every day here are a few tips...

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce. "He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
Buffalo Channel 4 News on October 20th,1999 informed its captivated audience that when selling their computer, the best way to erase the files on your computers hard drive is by drilling a hole in the drive its self! "By drilling a hole in the drive its self, you make it impossible for the new owner to get your files." No bleep ing kidding, idiot!
Sighting #1: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? "He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."
Sighting #2: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"
Sighting #3: At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear co worker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.
Sighting #4: I worked with an individual who plugged her power board back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.
Sighting #5: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open." Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" "I know," answered the young man.- "I already got that side."
Sighting #6: I work in a hospital and one day the doctor and I were asking a pregnant lady some questions upon admission to the maternity ward. When we asked her who we should call in case of an emergency, she stated "911".
Sighting #7: My daughter was going over to the neighbours house to visit but didn't want to miss a call from her boyfriend so she took the cordless phone with her. While at the neighbours she wanted to check back at home to see if her younger brother was okay. My daughter then picked up the neighbours phone and dialled our number. While waiting for someone to answer the phone at home, the phone she brought over with her began to ring. She immediately hung up the neighbours phone and answered our phone. There was no one there. She wanted to know who it was who called so she used our phone to call our house. The line was busy. Getting very frustrated she left the neighbours to go home and see who was on the phone. No one was on the phone. My daughter could not figure out what was going on until someone explained it to her.
Sighting #8: As systems manager of an answering service a few years back I had the pleasure of working with an especially ignorant doctor. Our system was trying to fax her messages to her place of business when a message came back informing us her fax was out of paper. When I called her office and told her about this she replied, "Oh, I'm all out of bond paper. Could you fax me some?" I'm right bleep in' on it, Babe.
Sighting #9: I was in McDonalds one time when the lady in front of me ordered a cheeseburger and requested no cheese. Now I don't know about you but that sounds like a hamburger to me.
Sighting #10: Many years ago I worked in a delicatessen. The assistant manager had burnt something in the oven and smoke was pouring from the kitchen area. When the store manager came by and asked why she hadn't opened the emergency fire exit door to allow the smoke to go outside she said, "I thought about it but I couldn't find the key!"
Sighting #11: I was sitting at my University bar with some friends the other day when we overheard a man talking on his mobile phone. He was saying that he wanted to "buy, buy, buy" some shares and "sell, sell, sell" some shares. Unfortunately for him, his mobile phone actually began to ring!!! The laughter in the bar was heard for miles!! Now that's what I call an IDIOT!
Sighting #12: A friend of mine and I were on a little road trip with his wife driving. Everything was pretty quiet when she turned to us and asked, "If you are driving 70mph, about how far would you go in an hour?" Oh yeah, she's a smart one.
Sighting #13: Calling the telecommunication company to inform them my phone didn't work and that when I picked up the receiver its completely dead, the technician said from the other end "Are you calling from the number of the phone that does not work?"
AnswerID: 176286

Reply By: nickoff - Friday, Jun 02, 2006 at 10:47

Friday, Jun 02, 2006 at 10:47
Re sighting #11

I have seen this type of fool in action.

Back in '91-92, when mobiles where new, and expensive, a guy came into the building where i was working, talking verry loudly on his motorolla brick (remember them). As he passed the counter where I and 5 of my collegues where working, it rang in his ear.

The applause from us was deafening, and he shrunk into the carpet. good one.
AnswerID: 176291

Reply By: ZUKSCOOTERX90(QLD-MEMBER) - Friday, Jun 02, 2006 at 14:35

Friday, Jun 02, 2006 at 14:35
A high profile buisiness man goes into hs office this morning as he doe's every other,walking past his secretary saying g'morning, she say's to him discretely you left you're garage open this morning. When he got to his desk he start's to think about what she had said & looked down & saw his fly was open.After a short time he went out to his secretary & asked her, when you saw my garage door open this morning did you my Jaguar parked in there?, she replied with no but i did see a minivan with two flat tyres.Boom,Boom.:)-<
AnswerID: 176359

Reply By: nowimnumberone - Friday, Jun 02, 2006 at 19:09

Friday, Jun 02, 2006 at 19:09
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate


45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls


51. give her lots of attention, but expect little
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about
where she goes


54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


1. Show up naked
2. Bring food
AnswerID: 176422

Reply By: Member - John - Friday, Jun 02, 2006 at 23:04

Friday, Jun 02, 2006 at 23:04
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence

Interested in what the cheeky faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, " What are you doing there Nancy"?

"My goldfish died" replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him".

The neighbour was very concerned: "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied:

"That's because he's inside your cat".

John and Jan

Lifetime Member
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AnswerID: 176475

Reply By: GaryInOz (Vic) - Friday, Jun 02, 2006 at 23:08

Friday, Jun 02, 2006 at 23:08
From Outerlimits (and cleaned up a bit)

sorry about the cross-posting, but funny as...........


A "heads up" for you and any of your guy friends who may be regular Bunnings customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 18 or 19-year-old girl s come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot.

They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Bunnings. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other.

Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and has her way with you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen May 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, three times just Yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

Again - please beware!!
AnswerID: 176477

Reply By: Dave198 - Saturday, Jun 03, 2006 at 23:50

Saturday, Jun 03, 2006 at 23:50
A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done:
glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked,
"Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.
You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.
I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said.
He pondered a moment and blurted out,
"I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least
I can do. And 'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,"
she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No Kidding. Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
AnswerID: 176583

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