Fridee Funee

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed down from generation to generation, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

In the Public Service, however, a whole range of far more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

.. Change riders

.. Buy a stronger whip

.. Do nothing: "This is the way we have always ridden dead horses."

.. Visit other countries to see how they ride dead horses

.. Perform a productivity study to see if lighter riders improve the dead horse's performance

.. Hire a contractor to ride the dead horse

.. Harness several dead horses together in an attempt to increase the speed

.. Provide additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance

.. Appoint a committee to study the horse and access how dead it actually is

.. Re-classify the dead horse as "living-impaired"

.. Develop a Strategic Plan for the management of dead horses

.. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for all horses

.. Modify existing standards to include dead horses

.. Declare that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overheads and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line than many other horses

.. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position

Hmmm........... yer on the ball this mornin', Mr J........lol. Finished all the building work yet?

Cheers

http://i152.photobucket.com/albums/s183/KSAPM/BIKEFORSALE.jpg

GREAT PUBS



Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's

a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the

locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth drink for you."





"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy

you your third drink after you buy the first two."





"Ahhhhh, that's nothing," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's

Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another,

all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs

and see that you get laid. All on the house."





The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims but he swears

every word is true.





"Well," asked the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"





"Not me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman . . "But it did happen to me sister."

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry : "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why she would ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Fire truck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "

Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs ... Phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive, although I can hear a car setting off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?
I once picked up her cell hone just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but, last night, she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
I decided I was going to park my four wheel drive next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she comes home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my four wheel drive, that I noticed that the free wheeling hubs on my front wheels seem to leaking a little oil.
Is this something I can fix myself, or should I take it back to the dealer?
Thanks,

Sorry about the formatting in this one. For those devout church going types don't persecute me, I DID not write these -it just indicates we all have our faults:

These sentences appeared in church bulletins or were announced in
church services.
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid
of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love.
Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again,"
giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
-------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery
downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all
the
help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in
the
church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music
will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is
Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition
of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
-------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the
deceased
person you want remembered.
-------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super
entertainment and
gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to
follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may
be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park
across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.
All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the
B. S.
is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next
Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend
this
tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian
Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan
last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

CATHOLIC PARROTS
> >
> > A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
> >
> > "Father, I have a problem.
> >
> >
> >
> > I have two female parrots,
> >
> > but they only know how to say one thing."
> >
> > "What do they say?" the priest inquired.
> >
> > They say,
> >
> > "Hi, we're hookers!
> >
> > Do you want to have some fun?"
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed,
> >
> >
> >
> > then he thought for a moment.
> >
> > "You know," he said,
> >
> > "I may have a solution to your problem.
> >
> > I have two male talking parrots,
> >
> > which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
> >
> >
> >
> > Bring your two parrots over to my house,
> >
> > and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
> >
> > My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and
>worship,
> >
> > and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . ..
> >
> > that phrase . . in no time."
> >
> >
> >
> > Thank you," the woman responded,
> >
> > "this may very well be the solution."
> >
> > The next day,
> >
> > she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
> >
> >
> >
> > As he ushered her in,
> >
> > she saw that his two male parrots
> >
> > were inside their cage holding rosary beads and
>praying.
> >
> >
> >
> > Impressed,
> >
> > she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
> >
> > After a few minutes,
> >
> > the female parrots cried out in unison:
> >
> > Hi, we're hookers!
> >
> > Do you want to have some fun?"
> >
> >
> >
> > There was stunned silence.
> >
> > Shocked,
> >
> > one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot
> >
> > and exclaimed,
> >
> > "Put the beads away, Frank.
> >
> >
> >
> > Our prayers have been answered!"
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >

Good one Mate, I got ugg boots but don't have that Problem, they sell good ones in Crystal Brook
---------------------------------------------------------
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300° C.
The Russians used a pencil.
---------------------------------------------------------------

A boy asks his granny "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?"



Granny: "F*ck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"

Q: Why aren't there any K-marts in Afganastan?
A: There are to many Targets!

A woman goes to the doctors and says... doctor my bleep keeps singing go blues go and NSW NSW.

Doctor replies don't worry madam all C###s do that at this time of year