I needed a laugh, wife sent me this and NOW wants one Not O/T

Submitted: Sunday, Jan 20, 2008 at 09:47
ThreadID: 53690 Views:2212 Replies:7 FollowUps:2
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Buy your wife one of these ....... this will spark up your wife :)


This is one of those stories where you begin to chuckle..then find yourself laughing out loud. (Not to mention the tears that come with the laughter.) A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol &Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety..'WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5? long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and .. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-. That hurt like **%!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both
nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!! Still in shock!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! "If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid."
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Reply By: Louie the fly - Sunday, Jan 20, 2008 at 10:01

Sunday, Jan 20, 2008 at 10:01
Absolute gold!!! ROFLMAO! (WTIME)

I need one of those for this dill I have at work.
AnswerID: 282651

Reply By: jjt98 - Sunday, Jan 20, 2008 at 10:16

Sunday, Jan 20, 2008 at 10:16
Fantastic story...it brought tears to my eyes as well. Good luck with the search.
AnswerID: 282654

Reply By: Member - vivien C (VIC) - Sunday, Jan 20, 2008 at 11:06

Sunday, Jan 20, 2008 at 11:06

I could hardly read this for the tears of laughter streaming down my face!!! Of course, I'm feeling sorry for you (????) but what a picture you painted!!

AnswerID: 282663

Follow Up By: Member - vivien C (VIC) - Sunday, Jan 20, 2008 at 11:16

Sunday, Jan 20, 2008 at 11:16
sorry Brian, just realised when I cleared the tears from my eyes, that it wasn't you.....now we can both laugh

FollowupID: 547173

Reply By: GREENDOG - Sunday, Jan 20, 2008 at 18:01

Sunday, Jan 20, 2008 at 18:01
I just about bleep my self laughin what a stoty,what a dude you are just goes to show you really do have balls but then again i do'nt think you have any more lol.cheer's GREENDOG
AnswerID: 282727

Reply By: Member - Tim - Stratford (VIC) - Sunday, Jan 20, 2008 at 19:03

Sunday, Jan 20, 2008 at 19:03

Try gargling some scotch and then swallow same - chances are the 'zap' made your testicles retreat to the safety of your thorax!

As a side note - The police in Vic who are issued with tasers now train using bulldog clips to attach the probe/wires to their backs. There was unfortunate soul who 'volunteered' to be tasered - he faced away at 10 paces, the instructor 'fired' with one probe lodging in the volunteer's shoulder, the other between his legs! Suffice to say, the current moved between the probes - He's still looking for his pair as well - and that was 12 mths ago!

AnswerID: 282737

Reply By: B1(Qld)er. - Sunday, Jan 20, 2008 at 22:14

Sunday, Jan 20, 2008 at 22:14
Priceless Brian,cheered up my evening.Thanks
AnswerID: 282801

Reply By: Member - Brian H (QLD) - Monday, Jan 21, 2008 at 08:12

Monday, Jan 21, 2008 at 08:12
LOL oh dear ............. some of you thing it was ME, thanks for the vote of confidence in my mental state LOL ........... nope was not I, I am just putting story up the story I'm VERY pleased to say.

There is one thing to be stupid, but to prove it by putting your antics in print well that's a whole new level of stupid LOL.

I still laugh reading it.

AnswerID: 282840

Follow Up By: Member - Coyote (QLD) - Monday, Jan 21, 2008 at 17:18

Monday, Jan 21, 2008 at 17:18
I can barely stop crying long enough to type this out... I have just sent it around the office and I can hear exactly where epole are at as they read it.. sure enough one by one peole are falling off their chairs and crying in the isles.. absoloute GOLD.. you have made a Monday into something to remember.
FollowupID: 547428

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