Phriday Phunny

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on s#x, marriage, and
values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did
you?

"Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

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A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of
my intelligence come from?"

The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother,
'cause I still have mine."

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"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce
Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

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A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't
like the looks of your wife at all."

"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really
good with the kids".

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he
has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were used to put the curse on you".

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and
wife."

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Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.

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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long
it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?"

The agent replies, "Just a minute.."

"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

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Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."

Joe: "Really?"

Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

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A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is
feeling. "I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used
in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say," asked the nurse.

"OOPS"

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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display
of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I
had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an
all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

He's still in intensive care.

THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES :
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]


Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!]


Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]


War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]


If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]


Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]


Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]


Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]


New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]


Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]


Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]


Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]


And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips
Through Cemetery ; Hundreds Dead

Who said that Aussie man aren't romantic.


An Australian Love Poem

Of course I love ya darlin'

You're a bloody top-notch bird

And when I say you're gorgeous

I mean every single word

So yer bum is on the big side

I don't mind a bit of flab

It means that when I'm ready

There's somethin there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more

I tell ya, I don't care

So long as when I cuddle ya

I can get my arms round there

No sheila who is your age

Has nice round perky breasts

They just gave in to gravity

But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin' ya the truth now

I never tell ya lies

I think its very sexy

That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now

The moment that we met

I thought you was as good as

I was ever gonna get

No matter what u look like

I'll always love ya dear

Now shut up while the footy's on

And fetch another beer.

John took his blind date to the carnival.

"What would you like to do first, Kim" asked John." I want to get weighed" said Kim.They ambled over to the weight guesser.He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale and it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next, the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked Kim what she would like to do."I want to get weighed" she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.

"I want to get weighed" she responded.By this time, John figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate Laura asked her about her blind date, "how'd it go?"

Kim responded, " Oh Waura, it was wousy."
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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run,
my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first,
the truck, the car, playing golf - always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Moral to this story:
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.
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GOING TO HELL

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.

Don't worry about that", says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.

Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.

"Oh my God", says the old lady, "now what is happening?"

Not to worry", says St.Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."

I can't do this", says the old lady, "I'm outta here, I'd rather go to hell."

"You can't go there", says St.Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."

"Maybe so", says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes drilled for that. "
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A couple was going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, but just needed to put the dog out when the taxi arrived. However as the couple walked out of the house, the dog shot back into the house.

They didn't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife went out to the taxi while the husband went upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty explained to the taxi driver: "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband got back into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he explained. "The stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She'd better not crap in the vegetable garden again!"

The silence in the cab was deafening.
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A TRUE QUEENSLANDER

The General Managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South
Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia)
were at a national beer conference.
They decide to all go to lunch together and the waitress asks what they
want to drink.
The General Manager of Tooheys says without hesitation, 'I'll have a
Tooheys New.'
The General Manager of Cascade smiles and says, 'I'll have a Cascade
Draught, brewed from pure mountain water.'
The General Manager of Coopers proudly says, 'I'll have a Coopers, the
King of Beers.'
The bloke from Carlton says, 'I'll have a Carlton Draught, the cleanest
draught on the planet.'
The General Manager from XXXX glances at his lunch mates and says, 'I'll
have a Diet Coke.'
The others look at him like he has sprouted a new head.
He just shrugs and says, 'Well if you poofters aren't drinking beer,
then neither will I.'


.

MEMORANDUM
From: Bin Laden, Osama
To: All Al Quieda Fighters
Subject: The Cave

Hi guys.

We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that. However, while we are fighting
a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns -

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want
to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily, I've done my bit on the cleaning
rota........ have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare most of the world population, okay? That means that
while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wassup' thing. Thanks.

Third: Food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my
Dairylea slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.
Fourth: I'm not against team chanting and all that, but, we must distance ourselves from the Westerner's bat and ball games...it's
just not cricket. Please do not chant "Ossy Ossy Ossy, Oy Oy Oy" every time i ride past on the donkey. Thanks

Five: Graffitti:Whoever wrote Ossie f**ks donkeys! on the group toilet wall please clean it off...it's a lie anyway, the donkey backed
into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.

Six: The use of chickens, is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving
myself at the edge of the mountain' will not be accepted in future.
Bestiality with non halal chicken is forbidden...there is a grey area with donkeys however.

Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for
them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar,Hammed and Dave.

Love you lots, Group Hug.
Os.

PS - I'm sick of having Osama's Bed Linen scribbled on my bed sheets - Cut it out Abdul, it's not funny anymore.

A redhead went to her doctor due to suffering pain all over her body.

The doctor asks the redhead to show him where it hurts. The Redhead pokes her shoulder with her finger - OOHH, the redhead pokes her knee - OOHH, she then pokes her stomach - OOHH, as she was poking her hip and screaming in pain the doctor says, "You're not really a redhead are you?"

She says, "No, how did you know, I'm really blonde."

Doctor says, "You've got a broken finger."

LATEST NEWS!!!!
tribute/sequel movie to be made by warner bros following the death of one of their own, heath ledger.
working title is "prozac mountain"


taxi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up....

.......then all the other bells started to ring.