No one has started them yet? Strange...
An old farmer in Queensland had owned a large property for several years.
He had a
dam in one of the lower paddocks
where he had planted mango and avocado trees.
The
dam had been fixed up
for swimming when it was built and he also
had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the
dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while.
He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the
dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of
young women skinny-dipping in his
dam.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the
dam naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'
Moral: Old men may be slow but they can think fast.
Smart Lady
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, movers came to collect her things.
On the third day, she said down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some background music, and feasted on a kilo of prawns, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half eaten prawns shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
The husband returned the next day with his new girlfriend, and all was bliss.
Then the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in, during which they had to move out for a few days. They even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.....
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. But even though their price was half the value of the house, they could not find a buyer.
Word got out, and the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going.
He told her the saga of the rotting house.
She listened sympathetically, and after he had finished, said that she missed her
home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back....
He agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house was worth... but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed, the man and his girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new
home...
....including the curtain rods.
Quick Marriages Work?
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a resort.
One morning they were lying by
the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position,
at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!'
He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'
So she got up, jumped in
the pool and started doing laps.
After seventy-five laps she climbed out of
the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.
He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in
Mildura,but I worked both sides of the Murray !!
Wally's Wedding Night
At 85 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after their wedding She and Wally should have separate bedrooms, Because she is concerned that her new but aged husband May over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Anne prepares herself for bed And the expected 'knock' on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.
They unite as one.
All goes
well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares To go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her Bedroom door, and it's Wally.
Again he is ready for more 'action.'
Somewhat surprised, Anne consents for more coupling.
When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, Bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it.....
Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh As a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action.'
And, once again they enjoy each other.
But as Wally gets set to leave again, his
young bride says To him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so
well and so often.
I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once.
You are truly a great lover, Wally.'
Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says: .......
'You mean I've been here already?'
Don't be afraid of getting old, senior's moments have their advantages.
For you old guys...
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
Why English Teachers Die
Young(Humor Break)
Actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The
young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land
mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.