Phriday hunnies

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He
was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like
he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to
do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came
into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After
complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his
arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an
oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining but
eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.


After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce,
"I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"



She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his
breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.

After about 20 minutes, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's
going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever
seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confessed... "Not with a daffodil."

IF MY BODY WAS A CAR...

…this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ...

But that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"
"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost
both of my testicles".
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K.. You've got enough points
for me to take you on right away.
Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm.... ...but you can start
tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting at 10.00am every day."
The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to
4.00pm,
why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any
special treatment y'know"
"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the
interviewer says,
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and
scratching our bollocks.
There's no point in you coming in for that."

> IRISH DIESEL FITTER
> Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment
office. When asked his occupation,
> Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto ladies'
> knickers and thongs..'
>
> The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it
classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.
>
> Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'
>
> Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick
> £160 a week.
>
> When Paddy found out he was furious.. He stormed back into the office
to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
>
>
> The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and
> Diesel
Fitters are skilled labour.'
>
> 'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and
> thongs,
then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'
>
>
>
> GO ON,
> ADMIT IT.... YOU ARE SMILING......
>

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing.
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I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.
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After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That’s when he realised he had made it home safely.
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Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on a Friday this year.” Mick said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then.”
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My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
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Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.
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I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
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After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.
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A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.”
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Two swaggies sitting by a Billabong discussing who had the smartest dog. The first swaggie claimed that his kelpie was the smarter dog & instructed the dog to go & fill the billy. The dog grabbed the billy & trotted off to the Billabong,filled the billy with water & bought it back to his master. The second swaggy thought that was good but the dog was nowhere near as smart as his Aussie Cattle Dog. So he called "Bluey" over & whispered in his ear. The dog ran off into the bush. After about 40 mins the dog hadn't returned so the first swaggy said, "Great dog you have there. He's got lost" After a short while the Blue dog comes into camp with a Hen's egg in his mouth. Drops it carefully into the billy & places the billy on the fire. The dog waits for about five minutes & then stands on his head. The first swaggies roars with laughter and says, "I can understand the egg into the billy. Then he puts the Billy on the fire. BUt what's with the standing on his head bit?" "Well, says the owner of the blue dog. He has waited 5 minutes for the egg to cook because that's how I like em. He's standing on his head because he obviously realises I haven't an egg cup"!!!!

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives. Some doctor on tv this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished so I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now. Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr pisss. An telum,u blody luvum.!! Xxx

If you can read this without laughing, you must be devoid of laughter cells.......
This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the 1970's. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger, though God knows after how many takes.

The irony is, BBC received not one complaint.
The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read.......

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.





Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.
At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards.. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.
The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.



Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.



The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied a ship in distress.

"Follow me, son," the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to
the ship.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our
fins showing."
And they did.
"Well done, son!
Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing

." And they did.
"Now we eat everybody."

And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked,
"Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?

Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied,
"Because they taste better without the bleep inside!"

bill

Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )


Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila