It's Fwyday

Submitted: Friday, Mar 30, 2012 at 07:32
ThreadID: 92891 Views:3300 Replies:9 FollowUps:3
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A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.
The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.

The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.
The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up....



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THE BOTTLE OF MERLOT.

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman
sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So, the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman
who is seated over there."... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then
decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and
conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage,
a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants."


After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:
"Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be; I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8,
Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami,
and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio.

But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back'



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Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Mar 30, 2012 at 07:54

Friday, Mar 30, 2012 at 07:54
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A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus"

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less and you can't make a face while doing it."
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"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
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"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
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The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 - but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks - but he doesn't make a face - and he drinks it in 58 seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming and sounds of a terrible fight - then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
AnswerID: 481828

Reply By: Rockape - Friday, Mar 30, 2012 at 07:55

Friday, Mar 30, 2012 at 07:55
Aussie Poem

The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock
The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,
The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams

He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank
And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.
"Typical bloody sheep," he thought, "they've got no common sense,
"They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence."

The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt
She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.
But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free
And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.


He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down
If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.
Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim
He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.

He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks
And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam
He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam

The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip
He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath
She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.

She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side
He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed
He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.

The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.
He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away,
He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea
But neither was he ready for what he was soon to see.

He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view
For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch
The farmer yelling wildly "Come back here, you lousy bitch!"

The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car
The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks
Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!


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AnswerID: 481829

Reply By: Rockape - Friday, Mar 30, 2012 at 07:59

Friday, Mar 30, 2012 at 07:59
Wet tee shirt contest.

And the winner is.


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AnswerID: 481830

Reply By: Member - Doug T (NT) - Friday, Mar 30, 2012 at 08:00

Friday, Mar 30, 2012 at 08:00
George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil
tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished
the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him
a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is
finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she
writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is
finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to
call the USA so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies, "Since Obama took over, the country has gone
to hell, so it's a local call."

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.
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AnswerID: 481831

Follow Up By: Member - Doug T (NT) - Friday, Mar 30, 2012 at 08:09

Friday, Mar 30, 2012 at 08:09
Breaking News from Ford

Ford has announced plans to acquire French automaker Renault and
engineering teams have already joined forces to create the perfect small
car for women.

... Mixing the Renault Clio and the Ford Taurus, they have designed the
Clitaurus. It comes in pink and the average male car thief won't be able
to find it, let alone turn it on, even if someone tells him where it is
and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month and can
be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold
winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain and
horribly expensive to get rid of.

Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but
eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight
typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size
of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK
bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it
is best to lease one, and replace it as needed.

.
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Follow Up By: OutBack Wanderers - Friday, Mar 30, 2012 at 20:05

Friday, Mar 30, 2012 at 20:05
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth both died on the same day and went to Heaven
They stood outside the Pearly Gates, where Moses greeted them.
Moses said, We have only one vacant cloud left, which ever of you two think they deserve to come in, prove it.

Dolly unbuttoned her blouse and shoved out her breasts, Look at Gods creation, a perfect pair.

Queen Elizabeth rummaged through her bag and pulled out a bottle of champers, drank it, walked over to the loo, sat down, did a tinkle, got up and pulled the chain and walked back to Moses.

Moses looked at both women and said, Welcome your Majesty. So Elizabeth walks in, Dolly's jumping up and down, How the hell, she got in, look here, a pair made by God.

Moses then said, But Dolly, everybody knows .................................









A Royal Flush beats a Pair.

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Reply By: "crack-a-tinnie" - Friday, Mar 30, 2012 at 08:22

Friday, Mar 30, 2012 at 08:22
Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender.

The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Schooner of New"
The robot brings back the best beer ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says," 168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious...So he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Schooner of New"
Again, the robot pours a great beer and gives it to the man and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100."
The robot then starts to talk about V8 Super cars, MotoGP, Tooheys beers and Supercheap Auto.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.
He goes back into the bar.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Schooner of New," and the robot brings him another great beer.
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "Uh, about 50."
The robot leans in real close and asks, "So, you people happy with Buckley as coach?
AnswerID: 481832

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Mar 30, 2012 at 08:50

Friday, Mar 30, 2012 at 08:50
Old Postcards

Brings back memories, every sea side resort used to have these on a spinner outside the shops on the sea front,, we used to stand for ages just reading them,? we used to send these to our friends by mail, think they are banned now.

Mr Wallace, aged 63, bought the firm Bamforth & Co nine years ago and now owns the rights to more than 50,000 of the postcard images with their pneumatic women, henpecked husbands and voluptuous nurses.

In 1870 James Bamforth began his business in Holmfirth, near Huddersfield, West Yorkshire - a village now most famous for being the setting of the long running BBC comedy Last Of The Summer Wine.


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AnswerID: 481835

Reply By: Hairs & Fysh - Friday, Mar 30, 2012 at 14:16

Friday, Mar 30, 2012 at 14:16
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AnswerID: 481860

Reply By: Member - Scott M (NSW) - Friday, Mar 30, 2012 at 15:58

Friday, Mar 30, 2012 at 15:58
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AnswerID: 481875

Follow Up By: kev.h - Friday, Mar 30, 2012 at 17:44

Friday, Mar 30, 2012 at 17:44
Hey Scott
Your a braver man than me or maybe you've got a death wish
Have a good one Kev
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FollowupID: 757187

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Mar 30, 2012 at 21:04

Friday, Mar 30, 2012 at 21:04
Not many people need such explicit instructions.


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Bill B

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AnswerID: 481917

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