It's Fwyday

Submitted: Friday, May 18, 2012 at 07:50
ThreadID: 95636 Views:3018 Replies:14 FollowUps:5
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I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few....

I noticed two large women by the bar.

They both had strong accents so I asked,

"Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland ?"


One of them chirped: "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said...,

Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland ?"


That's the last thing I remember...

-------------------------------------------------------

I just got sacked from my job with Lifeline

Someone called Mohammad phoned and said,

"I'm lying on the railway track waiting for the train to come".

All I said was, "Remain calm......and stay on the line" . . ...

-------------------------------------------------------------

A woman went into a bar in Texas and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table.
He had the biggest feet she’d ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it’s true what they say about men with big feet.

The cowboy grinned and said, “Sure is, little lady! Why don’t you come on out to the bunk house and let me prove it to you!”
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, “Well, thank ya Ma’am. I’m real flattered. Aitn’t nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.

The woman replied, “Don’t be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.”

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Reply By: Life Member - esarby (NSW) - Friday, May 18, 2012 at 08:07

Friday, May 18, 2012 at 08:07
Funny Thought for the Day - Inner Strength.

If you can start the day without caffeine.
If you can get going without pep pills.
If you can always be cheerful ignoring aches and pains.
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles.
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it.
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time.
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when through no fault of yours something goes wrong.
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment.
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him.
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend.
If you can face the world without lies and deceit.
If you can conquer tension without medical help.
If you can relax without liquor.
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs.
.....Then you are probably the family dog!

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Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, May 18, 2012 at 08:23

Friday, May 18, 2012 at 08:23
The Male Cycle:

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion,

so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

At University I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.Everything

was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened

suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.

She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was,great

fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find

a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted

firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she

divorced me and took everything I owned.

I'm much older and wiser now, and I'm looking for a girl with big tits


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Follow Up By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, May 18, 2012 at 08:31

Friday, May 18, 2012 at 08:31
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a Great chest you have!'

He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.' He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!'

The body builder tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.' He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her.

He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies,'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!!!!!!!



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Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, May 18, 2012 at 09:58

Friday, May 18, 2012 at 09:58
SIGNS - SIGNS - EVERYWHERE ARE SIGNS

Sign over a Gynaecologist’s Office:
>
> 'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'
> **************************
> > In a Podiatrist's office:
> > Time Wounds All Heels.
> > **************************
> > On a Septic Tank Truck:
> > Yesterday's Meals--on Wheels
> **************************
> At a Proctologist's door:
> To expedite your visit, please back in.
> **************************
> On a Plumber's truck:
> > We Repair What Your Husband Fixed
> > **************************
> > On another Plumber's truck:
> > Don't sleep with a drip; Call your plumber!
> > **************************
> > On a Church's Billboard:
> > 7 days without God makes one weak.
> > **************************
> > At a Tyre Shop in Milwaukee:
> Invite us to your next blowout.
> **************************
> At a Towing company:
> > We don't charge an arm and a leg: We want tows.
> > **************************
> > On an Electrician's truck:
> > Let Us Remove Your Shorts
> > **************************
> > In a Nonsmoking Area:
> > If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire
and take appropriate action.

*************************
> On a Maternity Room door:
> Push. Push. Push!
> **************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
> > If you don't see what you're looking for, you've
come to the right place.
>
> **************************
> > On a Taxidermist's window:
>> We really know our stuff.
>
> **************************
>> On a Fence:
>> Salesmen Welcome! Dog Food Is Expensive!
>
> **************************
>> At a Car Dealership:
>> The best way to get back on your feet: miss a
car payment.
>
> **************************
>> Outside a Muffler Shop:
>> No appointment necessary; We hear you coming.
>
> **************************
>> In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
>> Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
>
> **************************
>> At the Electric Company
>> We will be de-lighted if you send in your
payment.
> > However, if you don't, you will be.
>
> **************************
> > In a Restaurant window:
> > Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in
> > and get fed up.
>
> **************************
> > In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
> > Drive carefully! We'll wait...
>
> **************************
> > At a Propane Filling Station:
> > Thank heaven for little grills.
>
> **************************
> RADIATOR SHOP:
> > Best place in town to take a leak
>
> **********************
> > Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
> > CAUTION - This Truck is Full of Political
Promises
Bill B

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Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, May 18, 2012 at 10:01

Friday, May 18, 2012 at 10:01
Testing your brain

It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!
Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.
The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.

OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?








Answer : 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else..
Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, bread, go to Question 2.

2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?











Answer : Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat..
Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?









Answer : Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,'
why are you still reading these??? If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.


4. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales .. In London , 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading, 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In Swindon, 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea, 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
In Carmarthen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven..

Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?








Answer : Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own age?
It was YOU driving the bus!!


Don't feel too bad about your failure ......
95% of people fail most of the questions!!

Bill
Bill B

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Reply By: NTVRX - Friday, May 18, 2012 at 10:02

Friday, May 18, 2012 at 10:02
The Federal Police issued new rules of conduct for officers last Friday.
They can no longer get drunk, procure hookers or go to strip bars.
The rules say that from now on, if officers feel compelled to engage
In such behavior, they can run for Parliment like everyone else.






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Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, May 18, 2012 at 10:08

Friday, May 18, 2012 at 10:08
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Follow Up By: Fred G NSW - Friday, May 18, 2012 at 10:37

Friday, May 18, 2012 at 10:37
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Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, May 18, 2012 at 10:19

Friday, May 18, 2012 at 10:19
IT’S FINALLY ARRIVED!

A Keyboard for Old, Retired Guys


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Reply By: Member - Rob D (NSW) - Friday, May 18, 2012 at 10:46

Friday, May 18, 2012 at 10:46
Grandma to Grandpa: Have you noticed our little grandson is always playing with his willy.
Grandpa: All little boys play with their willy, but there is no point in asking me at what age they give it up because I'm only 65.

Statistics proves that the average Australian has one breast and one testicle.

If you relax at a faster pace you can get more relaxation in for a given time.
Regards Rob

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Reply By: Life Member - esarby (NSW) - Friday, May 18, 2012 at 15:27

Friday, May 18, 2012 at 15:27
Political Joke on Intelligence.

Darren Lockyer, the Pope, John Howard and a school boy were all on the same airplane when the engine failed and they realised there was four of them but only three parachutes. Darren Lockyer got up and said, I am a sporting superstar and must live so that I can continue my career to beat the Kiwis and the Poms in the tri-nations series. He grabbed a parachute and jumped off the plane. John Howard got up and said I am the smartest Prime Minister Australia has ever had and I have to live to continue to govern the country. Then the Pope said to the school boy, well I am old and have lived my life so you should take the last parachute. The school boy replied, “No, it's ok, the world’s smartest Prime Minister just took my school bag so there’s one for each of us!”

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Follow Up By: wato35 - Friday, May 18, 2012 at 15:42

Friday, May 18, 2012 at 15:42
update it to Julia.
Little Johnny was awhile ago!
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Follow Up By: Member - Boobook - Friday, May 18, 2012 at 15:46

Friday, May 18, 2012 at 15:46
The joke doesn't quite work with Johnny either. No one could really accuse him of being dumb like Julia.
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Follow Up By: Member - Boo Boo (NSW) - Friday, May 18, 2012 at 16:59

Friday, May 18, 2012 at 16:59
esarby

Yoy didn't make a BooBoo did you??????? LOL

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Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, May 18, 2012 at 16:32

Friday, May 18, 2012 at 16:32
I don't know....

His best mates were Peter Costello and Tony Abbot.

He also liked to hang out with tall people - Bush and Obama.

Bill
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Reply By: Member - Rob S (NSW) - Friday, May 18, 2012 at 16:41

Friday, May 18, 2012 at 16:41
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I only ever made one mistake
and that's when I thought I was wrong!

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Reply By: Member - nick b - Friday, May 18, 2012 at 16:44

Friday, May 18, 2012 at 16:44
With everyone thinking about holidays somewhere warmer now winter is creeping up on us, I thought some places to consider or avoid from my travel experience.

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.


I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my job, kids, husband, and family. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.


I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older. One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!


I may have been in Continent, but I must’ve been sleeping while traveling through . It's an age thing. It seems like I've been in Debt my entire adult life. I'm ready to get away. And let's not forget being in Deep Shit. So many roads lead to that place and it isn't easy to leave.



Smile and make someone's day
Cheers Nick b
VKS 737 ( 0915 )
Wish the missus was as dirty as the tailgate

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Reply By: Ross M - Friday, May 18, 2012 at 18:55

Friday, May 18, 2012 at 18:55
Julia Gizzard suddenly found out she is definitely not Cinderalla she thought she was because the slipper she tried on didn't fit.
AnswerID: 486167

Reply By: member-PradoMad - Saturday, May 19, 2012 at 08:10

Saturday, May 19, 2012 at 08:10
An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before
long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!"


Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther
is about to leap, the old German
Shepherd exclaims loudly,

"Boy that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.


"Whew!" Says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old
German Shepherd says...

"Where’s that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don’t mess with the old dogs...
Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bull Shit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

If you don’t send this to five 'old' friends right away, there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

Of course, I am in no way insinuating that you are old, just 'youthfully challenged'.

You did notice the size of the print, didn't you?
AnswerID: 486196

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