Friday, Dec 25, 2015 at 15:13
Life
This is perhaps the most profound philosophy I have heard in recent times:
"Life is like a bleep - simple, relaxed and hanging free . . . it's women who make it hard."
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The spoon:
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
'
Well, 'he explained,'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter,
'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
"Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'
Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
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Q: Why do men become smarter during sex?
A: because they are plugged into a genius
Q: Why don't women blink during sex?
A: they don't have enough time
Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: they don't stop to ask directions
Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties
Q: Why did god make men before women?
A: you need a rough draft before you make a final copy
Q: How many men does it take to put a
toilet seat down?
A: don't know. It never happened
Q: Why did god put men on earth?
A: because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma.'
And they say blondes are dumb...
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies,
'I'll miss you...'
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor.
The Woman's Prayer
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual..'
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Irish Vasectomy
After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children ...
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go
home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went
home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in New Zealand and Tasmania
AnswerID:
594152