Silly stories on Christmas day

Submitted: Friday, Dec 25, 2015 at 07:42
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Who Invented Sex?



A Greek and an Italian were talking one day, discussing who had the superior culture.


Over coffee, the Greek says "Well, we built the Parthenon."

The Italian replies "We built the Colosseum."

The Greek retorts "We Greeks gave birth to mathematics."

The Italian, nodding, says "But we built the Roman Empire ".

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end
the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies "That is true, but it was the Italians who included women.”




I still think the

JAPANEESE ARE ALSO THE LUCKY ONES !

THEY GET IT MORE THAN I DO !!



Sexual activity for senior males: where were you born?



Statistics just released from The United Nations B.O.H. Team, reveal that:



Men between 60 and 80 years of age, will, on average, have sex two
to three times per week, (and a small number a lot more)

whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only

once or twice per year if they are lucky.



This has come as very upsetting news to both me and most of my mates, as

none of us had any idea we were Japanese.




CATSA disclosed the following Airport Screening Results



From CATSA statistical returns on 30th September 2015 On Airport Full Body Screening:-

Terrorists Discovered
0

Transvestites
133

Hernias
1,485

Haemorrhoid Cases
3,172

Enlarged Prostates
8,249

Breast Implants
59,350

Natural Blondes
3






It was also discovered that 408 politicians had no balls.







A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews, and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

And finally "I pray that everyone will be happy".

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a frikking Brick wall!"



Insanity doesnt run in my family.... it gallops!

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Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Dec 25, 2015 at 10:57

Friday, Dec 25, 2015 at 10:57
Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: November 1, 2012

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty


Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: November 2, 20102

RE: Gala Holiday Party


In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.

However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.

We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty


Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: November 3, 2012

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name...

I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty


Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: November 4, 2012

RE: Generic Holiday Party


What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20thbegins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.

There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty


Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F*%^ing Employees

DATE: November 5, 2012

RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party


I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.

But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my Ass. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The Bitch from Hell!!!



Company Memo

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: November 6, 2012

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the asylum.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Whatever!

Joan

Merry Christmas all.
AnswerID: 594149

Reply By: Member - John and Val - Friday, Dec 25, 2015 at 11:58

Friday, Dec 25, 2015 at 11:58
Thinking of Christmas as a Holy day........ever wondered how monks who've made a vow of silence could sing carols and other such works?

It's obvious..... turn the volume up and see the Halleluja Chorus here!!
J and V
"Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted."
- Albert Einstein

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Reply By: Member - Blue M - Friday, Dec 25, 2015 at 15:13

Friday, Dec 25, 2015 at 15:13
Life

This is perhaps the most profound philosophy I have heard in recent times:

"Life is like a bleep - simple, relaxed and hanging free . . . it's women who make it hard."


=================

The spoon:


A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained,'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter,
'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

"Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

================================================================

Q: Why do men become smarter during sex?

A: because they are plugged into a genius


Q: Why don't women blink during sex?

A: they don't have enough time


Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?

A: they don't stop to ask directions


Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?

A: so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties


Q: Why did god make men before women?

A: you need a rough draft before you make a final copy


Q: How many men does it take to put a toilet seat down?

A: don't know. It never happened


Q: Why did god put men on earth?

A: because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,

'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma.'

And they say blondes are dumb...


A couple is lying in bed.

The man says,

'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'

The woman replies,

'I'll miss you...'



'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.



Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor.



The Woman's Prayer

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.


Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.


Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough


Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual..'

====================================================

Irish Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children ...

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in New Zealand and Tasmania

AnswerID: 594152

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Dec 25, 2015 at 17:27

Friday, Dec 25, 2015 at 17:27
Read to the end!


This is the reason to eat drink and be meerrry.
FABULOUS NEWS FOR US ALL !!!



This woman is 52 yrs old. She is TV health guru Gillian McKeith, advocating a holistic approach to nutrition and health, and promoting exercise, a vegetarian diet which is high in organic fruits and vegetables. She recommends detox diets, colonic irrigation, and supplements.





This woman is also 52. She is Nigella Lawson... a TV cook, who eats meat, butter, chocolate and desserts ..... and, she washes it all down with wine!

I REST MY CASE.






CHEERS AND A GLASS OF MULLED WINE



AND A WARM MINCE PIE...









\
IF YOU SEE A FAT MAN

Description: image006.gif@01CDDE04.54598200
Who's jolly and cute,




Wearing a beard and a red
flannel suit,




And if he is chuckling and
laughing away,


While flying around in a
miniature sleigh,



With eight tiny reindeer to pull
him along,


Then let's face it...



You're probably bleep !



Merry Christmas and
a Happy 2016








Adults only
NUDE SANTA -----

Scroll down to see the nude Santa

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For crying out loud. Act your age. There is no Santa !

Sometimes I worry about you!!! Now go and get some work done!!!

bill
Bill B

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AnswerID: 594153

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Dec 25, 2015 at 17:29

Friday, Dec 25, 2015 at 17:29
A LICK AND A PROMISE”


‘I’ll just give this a lick and a promise,’ my mother said as she quickly mopped up a spill on the floor without moving any of the furniture.

‘What is that supposed to mean,’ I asked as in my young mind I envisioned someone licking the floor with his or her tongue.

‘It means that I’m in a hurry and I’m busy canning tomatoes so I am going to just give it a lick with the mop and promise to come back and do the job right later.

‘A lick and a promise’ was just one of the many old phrases that our mothers, grandmothers, and others used that they probably heard from the generations before them. With the passing of time, many old phrases become obsolete or even disappear. This is unfortunate because some of them are very appropriate and humorous. Here is a list of some of those memorable old phrases:

1. A Bone to Pick (someone who wants to discuss a disagreement)

2. An Axe to Grind (Someone who has a hidden motive. This phrase is said to have originated from Benjamin Franklin who told a story about a devious man who asked how a grinding wheel worked. He ended up walking away with his axe sharpened free of charge)

3. One bad apple spoils the whole barrel (one corrupt person can cause all the others to go bad if you don’t remove the bad one)

4. At sea (lost or not understanding something)

5. Bad Egg (Someone who was not a good person)

6. Barking at a knot (meaning that your efforts were as useless as a dog barking at a knot.)

7. Barking up the wrong tree (talking about something that was completely the wrong issue with the wrong person)

8. Bee in your bonnet (To have an idea that won’t let loose )

9. Been through the mill (had a rough time of it)

10.Between hay and grass (Not a child or an adult)

11. Blinky (Between sweet and sour as in milk)

12. Calaboose (a jail)

13. Catawampus (Something that sits crooked such as a piece of furniture sitting at an angle)

14. Dicker (To barter or trade)

15. Feather in Your Cap (to accomplish a goal. This came from years ago in wartime when warriors might receive a feather they would put in their cap for defeating an enemy)

16. Hold your horses (Be patient!)

17. Hoosegow ( a jail)

18. I reckon (I suppose)

19. Jawing/Jawboning (Talking or arguing)

20. Kit and caboodle (The whole thing)

21. Madder than an wet hen (really angry)

22. Needs taken down a notch or two (like notches in a belt usually a young person who thinks too highly of himself and needs a lesson)

23.No Spring Chicken (Not young anymore)

24.Persnickety (overly particular or snobbish)

25.Pert-near (short for pretty near)

26.Pretty is as pretty does (your actions are more important than your looks)

27 Puny ( Not feeling well, sometimes refers to the size of a person when smaller than usual)

28.Red up (clean the house)

29.Scalawag (a rascal or unprincipled person)

30 Scarce as hen’s teeth (something difficult to obtain)

31.Skedaddle (Get out of here quickly)

32 Sparking (courting)

33 .Straight From the Horse’s Mouth (privileged information from the one concerned)

34 .Stringing around, gallivanting around, or piddling (Not doing anything of value)

35 .Sunday go to meetin’ dress (The best dress you had)

36 .We wash up real fine (is another goodie)

37 .Tie the Knot (to get married)

38.Too many irons in the fire (to be involved in too many things)

39.Tuckered out (tired and all worn out)

40. Under the weather (not feeling well this term came from going below deck on ships due to sea sickness thus you go below or under the weather)

41.Wearing your ‘best bib and tucker’ (Being all dressed up)

42. You ain’t the only duck in the pond (It’s not all about you)

Well, if you hold your horses, I reckon I’ll get this whole kit and caboodle done and sent off to you. Please don’t be too persnickety and get a bee in your bonnet because I’ve been pretty tuckered out and at sea lately because I’m no spring chicken. I haven’t been just stringin’ around and I know I’m not the only duck in the pond, but I do have too many irons in the fire. I might just be barking at a knot, but I have tried to give this article more than just

A LICK & A PROMISE!

bill
Bill B

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