Fry-day funnies

Submitted: Friday, May 26, 2017 at 09:54
ThreadID: 134950 Views:4299 Replies:14 FollowUps:1
This Thread has been Archived
A Man's Age - as Determined by a Trip to Bunnings

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house --.
Mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever.
You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint.
You have your old work clothes on.
You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from
who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you
need to run to Bunnings to get something to help complete the job.
Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex.
Add a dab of your favourite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes.
You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair.
Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favourite cologne to cover the smell.
The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands.
Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Bunnings
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.
Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car.
Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.
The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.
Then you remember the hat you have on is from Gold Coast's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'

In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore.
Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Bunnings until the chemist has your prescriptions ready, too.
Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes.
The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch.

In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again.
Now you remember you need to go to Bunnings. Go to K-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for.
Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name.
You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In your 90's & beyond:
What's a bunnings? Something for my garden?
Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this?
Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?


Make sure you give back more than you take

Lifetime Member
My Profile  My Blog  Send Message

Back Expand Un-Read 14 Moderator

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, May 26, 2017 at 10:01

Friday, May 26, 2017 at 10:01
SCHOOL - 1950s v 2016

This should remind us how stupid we have become!

Scenario :
Johnny and Mark get into a fight after school.

1950s - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends.

2016 - Police called, and they arrest Johnny and Mark and charge them with assault.
Both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Both children go to anger management programmes for 3 months.
School governors hold meeting to implement bullying prevention programmes.


Scenario :
Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1950s - Robbie sent to the office and given six of the best by the Principal.
Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2016 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD – result deemed to be positive.
Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and school gets extra funding from government because Robbie has a disability.


Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1950s - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2016 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care; joins a gang; ends up in jail.


Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.

1950s - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with, passes exams and becomes a solicitor.

2016 - Police called, car searched for drugs and weapons.
Mark expelled from school for drug taking. Ends up as a drop out.


Scenario :
Johnny takes apart leftover fireworks from Guy Fawkes night, puts them in a paint tin and blows up a wasp's nest.

1950s - Wasps die.

2016- Police and Anti-Terrorism Squad called.
Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated.
Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly in an aeroplane again.


Scenario :
Johnny falls over while playing football during morning break and scrapes his knee.
He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. She hugs him to comfort him.

1950s - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing football. No damage done.

2016 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in prison.
Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy and ends up gay.

Make sure you give back more than you take

Lifetime Member
My Profile  My Blog  Send Message

AnswerID: 611429

Reply By: Glenn C5 - Friday, May 26, 2017 at 10:26

Friday, May 26, 2017 at 10:26
A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead
of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what
hole I'm on."
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."He
thanked her and continued playing golf.
On the back nine he got lost again.
He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm
sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what
I'm on."
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13."
Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.
When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and
asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As
were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in
He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"
She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know
what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He
promised. She said, "I sell tampons".
He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.
She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".
He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm
still one hole behind you."
AnswerID: 611430

Reply By: Glenn C5 - Friday, May 26, 2017 at 10:27

Friday, May 26, 2017 at 10:27
Sam and Bessie were senior citizens. Sam always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots ,so seeing some on sale,he bought a pair and wore them home.
As he stood in front of Bessie he asked ,"Do you notice anything different about me at all?"
"What's different?" sneered Bessie."It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants."
Frustrated, Sam went into the bedroom, undressed and came out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he asked, "Bessie, do you notice anything different?"
"What's different, Sam?" she said. "It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging down tomorrow."
"Do you know why it's hanging down?" Sam yelled angrily. "Cos it's looking at my new boots!"
"You shoulda bought a hat," Bessie sniffed.
AnswerID: 611431

Reply By: Glenn C5 - Friday, May 26, 2017 at 10:29

Friday, May 26, 2017 at 10:29
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word..
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position..
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
AnswerID: 611432

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, May 26, 2017 at 10:54

Friday, May 26, 2017 at 10:54
Oldest Computer in the World!

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
Surprise, surprise.
It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory.
Just 1 byte.

Then everything crashed.
AnswerID: 611434

Follow Up By: Mick O - Friday, May 26, 2017 at 11:47

Friday, May 26, 2017 at 11:47
Oh man that's so bad it's good!
''We knew from the experience of well-known travelers that the
trip would doubtless be attended with much hardship.''
Richard Maurice - 1903

Lifetime Member
My Profile  My Blog  Send Message

FollowupID: 881471

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, May 26, 2017 at 10:56

Friday, May 26, 2017 at 10:56
Romantic Dinner

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant in Brisbane. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the table and under the table cloth but the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and totally out of sight under the tablecloth. Still, the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behaviour a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully,began by saying to the man: "Pardon me, but I think your wife just slid under the table."

The man calmly looked up at her and said: "No, she didn't ..........she just walked in."
AnswerID: 611435

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, May 26, 2017 at 10:57

Friday, May 26, 2017 at 10:57
The longer you've been together, the funnier this becomes.

An elderly couple were at home watching TV.
Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

Mary became more and more annoyed and finally said,
"For God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel you know how to fish!"
AnswerID: 611436

Reply By: Life Member - esarby (NSW) - Friday, May 26, 2017 at 11:58

Friday, May 26, 2017 at 11:58
At 80 I apologise for my error in posting this wrongly!

For years I have been listening to an old A M Radio
I left it on while I was out yesterday and when I came
home, I found that it works in the afternoon

Lifetime Member
My Profile  My Blog  Send Message

AnswerID: 611442

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, May 26, 2017 at 13:20

Friday, May 26, 2017 at 13:20
A mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to your daughter yesterday telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home and guess what I found?? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with another man in our bed! This is unforgivable, the absolute end of our marriage. I'm by-god done! Leaving forever!"
"Oh, come now, calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. My Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "There now, just settle down! I told you there surely is a simple explanation!”
"Well, it better be good! What is it?" he fumed.
"She never got your e-mail!"


A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.
She approached him, smiled and said, “Hello. My name is Carmen.”
“That’s a beautiful name,” he replied. “Is it a family name?”
“No,” she replied. “As a matter of fact, I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most – cars and men. Therefore I chose Carmen.”
“What’s your name?” she asked.
He answered “B. J. Titsengolf.”

Make sure you give back more than you take

Lifetime Member
My Profile  My Blog  Send Message

AnswerID: 611443

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, May 26, 2017 at 15:07

Friday, May 26, 2017 at 15:07
Subject: Granny's Advice...

What do you make of this advice?

Yes, our grandmothers still had genuine knowledge of staying naturally healthy!!!
My granny lectured me about her practical knowledge:
For better digestion, I drink beer, for loss of appetite I drink white wine,with low blood pressure red wine, with high blood pressure cognac, and whenever I have a cold, I drink Vodka.
And when do you drink water?
I have never been that sick!

Bill B

My Profile  Send Message

AnswerID: 611445

Reply By: Genny - Friday, May 26, 2017 at 16:25

Friday, May 26, 2017 at 16:25
Poor old Granddad's passed away, cut off in his prime,
He never had a day off crook, gone before his time.
We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,
A startled look upon his face, his trousers around his feet.
The doctor said his heart was good, fit as any trout,
The Constable he had his say, 'foul play' was not ruled out.
There were theories at the inquest, of snakebite without trace,
Of red-backs quietly creeping and death from outer space.
No-one had a clue at all, the judge was in some doubt,
When Dad was called to have his say as to how it came about.
'I reckon I can clear it up,' said Dad with trembling breath,
'You see it's quite a story, but it could explain his death.
This here exploration mob had been looking at our soil,
And they reckoned that our farm was just the place for oil.
So they came and put a bore down and said they'd make some trials,
They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles.
Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste,
And I couldn't see a hole like that go to flamin' waste.
So I moved the dunny over it, real smart move I thought,
I'd never have to dig again, I'd never be 'caught short'.
The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,
But I didn't dream poor Granddad would pass away that night.
Now I reckon what has happened, poor Granddad didn't know,
The dunny was re-located when that night he had to go.
And you'll probably be wondering how poor Granddad did his dash,
Well, he always used to hold his breath, until he heard the splash!’

Author unknown
AnswerID: 611450

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, May 26, 2017 at 19:33

Friday, May 26, 2017 at 19:33
A man decided to spend the night with a prostitute.

When it was over she told him to pay $500. He said he’d send it to her in an envelope marked “Rent for Apartment.”

The next day, however, he regretted that he spent the night with her and sent only $250. When she wrote him a letter asking why he didn’t pay full price, he wrote her a memo saying:

"Dear lady, I am including a check for $250 for your rent. I am not sending you the sum we previously agreed on, as before I rented the apartment I was given the impression that:

1. The apartment had not been used before.

2. It had adequate heating.

3. It was small enough for me to feel comfortable in it.

Instead, I found the apartment had been used many times before, had no heating and was too big for me!"

Quite pleased with himself, he sends the letter.

A few days later the prostitute responds in her own letter, saying the following:

"Dear Sir,

1. You should have known such a beautiful apartment had been rented before.

2. The apartment did have adequate heating. You just didn’t know how to turn it on.

3. The apartment was the perfect size. You just didn’t have large enough furniture to fill it.

You are hereby asked to pay the rent in full or I will be forced to contact your current landlady!"
AnswerID: 611454

Reply By: Member - torro - Friday, May 26, 2017 at 19:54

Friday, May 26, 2017 at 19:54
Advice from a Sex Therapist

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson. Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left.
He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers. Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

"What the heck are you doing Mick" says Paddy.
"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me, says an obviously embarrassed Mick, "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor".

AnswerID: 611455

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, May 26, 2017 at 20:00

Friday, May 26, 2017 at 20:00
The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of
West Virginia.
An old hillbilly and his young wife were getting a divorce in the
local court. But custody of the children was a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that
since she had brought the children into this world, she should
retain custody of them.
The old hillbilly also wanted custody of the children.
The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long
moment of silence, the hillbilly slowly rose from his chair and
said, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a
candy bar comes out, does it belong to me, or the machine?"

All the members of the company's Board of Directors were called into the Chairman's office, one after another, until only Ted, the junior member, was left sitting outside.

Finally it was his turn to be summoned.

Ted entered the office to find the Chairman and the other four Directors seated at the far end of the boardroom table.

Ted was instructed to stand at the other end of the table, which he did.

The Chairman looked Ted squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, he asked, "Have you ever had sex with my secretary, Miss Foyt?"

"Oh, no, sir, positively not!" Ted replied.

"Are you absolutely sure?" asked the chairman.

"Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her!"

"You'd swear to that?"

"Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Miss Foyt, anytime, anywhere,"insisted Ted.

"Good. Then you fire her."

Make sure you give back more than you take

Lifetime Member
My Profile  My Blog  Send Message

AnswerID: 611456

Sponsored Links