Fryday Funneeeee's

Submitted: Friday, Nov 16, 2018 at 01:25
ThreadID: 137474 Views:3529 Replies:17 FollowUps:2
What's the difference between a marriage and a dog?

After 12 yrs of marriage, the dog's still happy to see you.


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Two drunks are crawling around on the ground under a street light at 2 AM when another drunk showed up.
He asked, Whatcha doin'? The 1st drunk says, we're lookin for his contact lenses. So the drunk gets on his hands and knees and starts looking, after an hour or so he asks, Where'd you lose them?

The second drunk says, OVER THEREEEEEEEE
Then why are we searching around here?


The lights better, says the 1st drunk

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Reply By: OutBack Wanderer - Friday, Nov 16, 2018 at 01:42

Friday, Nov 16, 2018 at 01:42
The young man picks up a woman at Luna Park and takes her back to his home. After a few coffee's and drinks they retire into his bedroom. When the woman walks inside the bedroom she notice's three rows of novelty teddy bears, with small teddies at the bottom, medium teddies in the middle and large teddies on the top shelf. She thought it very peculiar but didn't say anything.

After several hours of love-making they laid back having a smoke in each other's arms, that was lovely she said, feeling so relaxed, How was I by the way?

Any teddy from the middle shelf, he says

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AnswerID: 622168

Reply By: OutBack Wanderer - Friday, Nov 16, 2018 at 02:01

Friday, Nov 16, 2018 at 02:01
Ever since the Taliban has been eradicated there would seem to be some sought of equality growing in the population.

Wives who use to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front. Is this a sign of hopeful beginnings?

No, the man replied, landmines

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Reply By: OutBack Wanderer - Friday, Nov 16, 2018 at 02:14

Friday, Nov 16, 2018 at 02:14
A blonde woman was standing in the que at the local supermarket when her friend rushed in and said, Some-one's trying to steal your motor-car.
The blonde rushes outside but returns a few minutes later, did you catch him? says her friend.

No, but I got his number.


***************************************************************

A woman walks inside a jewellery store and stands in front of the hand bracelets. As she browses the racks of gold charms, she lets out a small fart and quickly looks around to see if any-one heard it, she then notice's the Manager standing right behind her and quickly says, How much is that piece on the middle rack?

Well, says the manager, if you fart just looking at it, your gonna schitt yourself when I tell you the price>


******************************************************************

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Reply By: OutBack Wanderer - Friday, Nov 16, 2018 at 02:24

Friday, Nov 16, 2018 at 02:24
A man breaks into the house at night and starts shining his torch around when a voice calls out, Jesus is watching you.
The burglar turns around see's nothing and goes back to what he was doing.
5 minutes later a voice calls out, Jesus is watching you.
The burglar turns around and see's a parrot in a cage.
He walks up to the cage, looks at the parrot and says, Did you say something?

The parrot looks at him and says, Jesus is watching you.
The burglar thinks dumbfoundly, and what's your NAME says the burglar?
MOSES says the parrot.
The burglar thinks this over, What kind of an idiot calls a parrot Moses?

The parrot says, probably the same idiot who calls a Rottweiler, Jesus

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Reply By: OutBack Wanderer - Friday, Nov 16, 2018 at 02:42

Friday, Nov 16, 2018 at 02:42
Two men are out playing golf when they come up to two women who were playing slow
One of the men says he'll go up to them and ask if they could play ahead of them.
Five minutes later he comes back and says to his partner, As I got closer to them, I noticed, one was my wife and the other my mistress, so I quickly came back, before they noticed me.

OK, I'll go says the other.

Five minutes later he comes back and says, Small world isn't it.

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AnswerID: 622172

Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Nov 16, 2018 at 06:17

Friday, Nov 16, 2018 at 06:17
An Emergency Call Center worker in London has been fired, much to the dismay of her colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her dismissal.

It seems a male caller dialed 911 from a mobile phone stating: "I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah."

Apparently, "Remain calm and stay on the line," was not considered to be an appropriate response.....
AnswerID: 622175

Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Nov 16, 2018 at 06:18

Friday, Nov 16, 2018 at 06:18
A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he has squandered all of his money.

He calls home.

'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing ... they actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'

So his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.

'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm.. But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'

'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.

So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal.

Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your old man still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'
AnswerID: 622176

Reply By: Member - Outback Gazz - Friday, Nov 16, 2018 at 08:17

Friday, Nov 16, 2018 at 08:17
The Irish versus the French !


The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
>
> 'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'
>
> 'Well Paddy, Sarkozy replied. How big is your army?'
>
> 'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'
>
> Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'
>
> 'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'
>
> Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'
>
> 'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.
>
> 'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'
>
> Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'
>
> 'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'
>
> Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'
>
> Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200, 000!'
>
> 'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.' Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'
>
> 'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'
>
> 'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no f****n' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners
>
>

AnswerID: 622177

Reply By: Member - Outback Gazz - Friday, Nov 16, 2018 at 09:55

Friday, Nov 16, 2018 at 09:55
New version of old song to be sung in Australian Kindergartens !


"Baa Baa non-specified coloured grain fed halal certified sheep - have you any cruelty free wool ?

Yes gender-neutral person Yes gender-neutral person three recycled, eco friendly bags full "
AnswerID: 622179

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Nov 16, 2018 at 10:33

Friday, Nov 16, 2018 at 10:33
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

3 Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a pub with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'

7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' 'Is it common?' Well, 'It's Not Unusual.'

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!'

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. 'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ..... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
AnswerID: 622180

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Nov 16, 2018 at 10:50

Friday, Nov 16, 2018 at 10:50
I'll stick with today's theme of oldies but goodies:

A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE. THE TICKET AGENT ASKED,"SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?" THE OLD FARMER SAID,"THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES.

"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER. HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.

THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED. WHAT?" SAID MARGE."I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT." "WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO" ASKED MARGE? "HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED. "WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL" "I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!"



Dunc
Make sure you give back more than you take

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Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Nov 16, 2018 at 10:56

Friday, Nov 16, 2018 at 10:56
Dunc
Make sure you give back more than you take

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AnswerID: 622183

Follow Up By: OutBack Wanderer - Friday, Nov 16, 2018 at 17:20

Friday, Nov 16, 2018 at 17:20
Oh the poor bastard, never have I seen such loyalty to his game and still win the trophy, how many times was his nose broken? Laugh out loud, crawling away from the goal posts

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Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Nov 16, 2018 at 11:28

Friday, Nov 16, 2018 at 11:28
TWO LITTLE OLD LADIES, Connie and Evelyn, were sitting on a park bench outside the local town
hall where a flower show was in progress.

The short one, Connie, leaned Over and said, "Life is so boring.

We never have any fun anymore. For $10 I'd take my clothes off
and streak through that stupid, boring Flower Show"!

"You're on!", said Evelyn, Holding up a $10 bill.

So, Connie slowly fumbled her Way out of her clothes.

She grabbed a dried flower From a nearby display and held it between her teeth.

Then, completely naked, she Streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of
the Flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend Soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and
shrill whistling.

Finally, the smiling Connie Came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.

"What happened"? Asked Evelyn.

"I won $1,000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement'!"


Dunc
Make sure you give back more than you take

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AnswerID: 622185

Reply By: Gerard S - Friday, Nov 16, 2018 at 11:50

Friday, Nov 16, 2018 at 11:50


Oops theres a naughty word word in one pic....hope whole post doesn't get censored.
AnswerID: 622186

Follow Up By: OutBack Wanderer - Friday, Nov 16, 2018 at 17:28

Friday, Nov 16, 2018 at 17:28
There's also a Where have I heard this before? RAFLMAO

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Reply By: Member - torro - Friday, Nov 16, 2018 at 18:56

Friday, Nov 16, 2018 at 18:56
Army Life





Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settlin down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta showerthough, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doin!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's arse and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of p...!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your lovin daughter,

Susan
AnswerID: 622191

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Nov 16, 2018 at 19:13

Friday, Nov 16, 2018 at 19:13
Irish logic
>> :
>> Only in Ireland
>>
>>
>> An Irishman walked into a bar in Dublin, ordered three pints of Guinness and sat
at the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished
them, he came back to the bar and ordered three more.
>>
>> The bartender approached and told him: "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw
it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
>>
>>
>> The Irishman replied: "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the
other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that
we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for
each me brothers and one for me self."
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> The bartender admitted that this was a fine tradition, and left it there. The
Irishman became a regular in the bar, and always drank the same way: He ordered
three pints and drank them in turn.
>>
>>
>> One day, he came in and ordered two pints. All the other regulars took notice and
fell silent.
>>
>>
>> When he came back to the bar for the second round, the bartender said: "I don't
want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your
loss."
>>
>>
>> The Irishman looked quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawned and he
laughed. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explained.
>>
>>
>> "It's just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit
drinking. But it hasn't affected my brothers though."
>>
Dunc
Make sure you give back more than you take

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AnswerID: 622192

Reply By: Ron N - Friday, Nov 16, 2018 at 21:26

Friday, Nov 16, 2018 at 21:26
This definitely not the way to teach Martial Arts ....

Martial Arts Instruction

Cheers, Ron.
AnswerID: 622194

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