Phriday Phunny

Thanks for that Truchster. I tried to learn French at school and failed. So it looks like I now must suffer my fate
Vince

I can say the alphabet in 15 differant languages, see !!

> A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and
> brought his ashes home. One day she picked up the urn he was in and
> poured him out on the coffee table.
>
> Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the
> ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me, Irving?"
> She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!" She
> then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?" She
> answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"
> Then she said, "And remember the big beautiful house that sits at the
> top of the hill that I fell in love with and you said we couldn't
> afford?" Once more she answered saying, "Well I bought that too with
> the insurance money and I love living here."
>
> Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving,
> remember that blowjob I promised you? Here it comes..."



Bad Day?
>
> Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy.
>
> Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana.
> He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an
> E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to The X, 103.2 on
> your FM dial in
> Ft Wayne IN, who was sponsoring a "worst job experience" contest.
> Needless to say, she won.
>
> Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last
> week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down
> lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to
> make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you
> what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities
> of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I
> wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the
> water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: we have a
> diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of
> equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a
> delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a
> garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a
> darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
> What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the
> hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole
> suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was
> going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of
> course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few
> seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back,
> but the damage was done. In agony, I realized what had happened.
> The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my
> suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish
> couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as
> fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was
> actually grinding the jellyfish into my butt. I informed the dive
> supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions
> were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were
> all laughing hysterically.
> Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3
> agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I
> could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I
> arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As
> I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running
> down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my
> butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out,
> but I couldn't poop for 2 days because my butthole was swollen shut.
> So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much
> worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now,
> repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job..."
>
>

Women think they are so clever because they can fake an orgasm.

Thats nothing, a bloke can fake a whole relationship if it gets him a root.

What do you call a woman who always knows where her husband is?

A widow!

Now thats gunna get me in more trouble I guess.

Russell

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.

3. Going to a church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. It isn't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. (Just remember how lucky you were to get
a free trip around the sun.)

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make the ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. If you must choose between two evils, chose the one that you've never
tried before.

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week. The teller said, "Fluctuations." The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God
decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to
get into Heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The
policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

The next day at 12:01am, the first person arrived at the gates of Heaven.
The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the
man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when
you died."

"No problem,"the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my
lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. I guessed she was having an
affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began looking for
him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I
was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed
that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of
that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to
the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes
that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a
rage, I went back inside and the first thing I could get my hands on to
throw at him was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the
balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed
him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and
died almost instantly."


The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a
bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir.
Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I can let
you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."


"No problem," said the Second man. "But you're not going to believe this. I
was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I
had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my
stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell
over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the
balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of
his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I
fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I
didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to
move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his REFRIGERATOR, of all
things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me,
killing me instantly."


The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.


A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says,
"Please tell me how you died."


The third man says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator....."

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "

.....................................................

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said suppose; "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, blood would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.." "Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."