PHRIDAY PHUNNIES & PHOTOS

Priceless!!!
And all done with a Land Rover!!
Priceless!!

Test driving a D90 tomorrow...

Wolfie

Stranded kilometres from the regimental barbeque, with nothing but camels' bums in his sights, the British commander realised that using a Landie was the SECOND mistake he had made.........................

........The FIRST was enlisting on the recruiter's promise that he'd be visiting new lands and getting laid by lots of crumpet.

Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:

1 I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2 My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

3 I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

4 Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

5 Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

6 All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

7 If all is not lost, where is it?

8 It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

9 Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

10. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the >hydrant.

11. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...

12. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

13. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

14. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

15 It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.

16. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the
bathroom.

17. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

18. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play
chess?

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

20. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.

21. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

22. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.. I go
somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

23. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU OR NOT!

24. Funny, I don't remember being . . . . . absent minded...

One day a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went to the pub...
--

Shop for a Husband

A store that sells husbands has just opened in Ottawa where a woman may
go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6
floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper
ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may
choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go
back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping centre to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:-

Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to
herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder
what's further up?"

So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:-

Floor 2 - All these men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further
up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:-

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Hmmm, better" she says "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:-

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and
help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT,
there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:-

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking,
help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy
me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?"

So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:-

Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men
on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping with us and have a nice day.

Another one for good measure..............

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

I have a friend who actually does think like this...

The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways,
which was very busy with inferior cars.

First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down
for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely
big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway!

(The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked
an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.)

Unbelievably, I had to do the same thing again before I could get to the Nissan
lane. (Why do underlings use this lane? Surely everyone knows it is for Nissan
drivers only?)

Anyway, once I was in the Nissan lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the
adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an
inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the Nissan lane of my motorway,
but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph!

Naturally, I got to within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my
headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the Nissan lane of my motorway and
to get out of my way.

Of course, once he realised it was a Nissan behind him, he did just that, but I
could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me! He also
tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on
some blue lights in his front grill and urged me onto the hard shoulder so
that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.

Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when he had stopped, the man gave
me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast!

Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to
take my driver's licence to a Police Station to be sent way to have some
points put on! (They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was
only allowed 3.) But the man at the Police Station said that because I drive
a Nissan, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I
won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me!

See, now THAT'S the sort of respect you get when you drive a Nissan!

Blonds

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets
up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight
attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then
tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have
to sit in the back.

The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne
and I'm staying right here!"

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and
co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that
belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because
she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her
seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne
and I'm staying right here!"

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police
waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen
to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she's blonde?, I'll handle this, I'm married
to a blonde, I speak blonde!" He goes back to the blonde, whispers in
her ear.

She says "Oh, I'm sorry," gets up and moves back to her seat in the
economy section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he
said to make her move without any fuss.

"I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne."