Declaration of Revocation: by John Cleese - Phrydai Phunnie

Submitted: Friday, Apr 01, 2005 at 10:24
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Declaration of Revocation:
by John Cleese

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' pronounced 'zed'not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'
e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed." There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents ---

Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become
"shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside
your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead
play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which
is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to
handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. >From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the
former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon-- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only
be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.
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Reply By: Member - Sam (NSW) - Friday, Apr 01, 2005 at 11:26

Friday, Apr 01, 2005 at 11:26
Cleese at his finest! Thats Quality!
AnswerID: 104654

Follow Up By: Mike Harding - Friday, Apr 01, 2005 at 18:31

Friday, Apr 01, 2005 at 18:31
You beat me to it. My opinion exactly :)

Mike Harding
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FollowupID: 362030

Reply By: crfan - Friday, Apr 01, 2005 at 12:48

Friday, Apr 01, 2005 at 12:48
BARKING DOG
Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A: The dog of course. He'll shut up after you let him in.

FACTS OF LIFE
The teenager was developing rapidly, so her mother thought it about time that she understood the facts of life. "Liza," she began, "I think it would be nice if we had a little chat about how life is formed. As you know, a baby grows in a lady's tummy and..." "It might be interesting to hear you tell it, Mom," interrupted the daughter, "but what I really want to know is how to fake an orgasm."

PULLED OVER
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer (also a blonde). The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

NO ASS
Q: What do you call a woman without an ass?
A: Divorced.

BROKEN
A young blonde girl was telling her friend about her sex life, and says, "Oh, my god, it was really great with Todd, but I was so nervous after his condom broke. I didn't get a good night's sleep for a week." "What happened?" asks her girlfriend. "I didn't know what I was going to do," says the blonde, "But I finally managed to get the last little piece of it out with dental floss."

FIRST EXAM
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. Finally, the doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was being breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast-fed," she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination that seemed to be quite enjoyed by the woman. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma."

SHORT ARM
Q: What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A: A speech impediment.

FOOT DOCTOR
A drunk says to the bartender, "I want a woman!" So, the bartender gives him directions to the local brothel. The customer was so drunk, he misreads the directions and accidentally goes into the office of a foot doctor. The receptionist at the counter asks, "Can I help you?" "Yes, I want some service," states the drunk. She sends him to one of the examination rooms and tells him to put it on the table. The drunk goes in and places his manhood on the exam table. When the doctor comes in, the startled podiatrist sees the man's member on the table and she says, "That's not a foot!" The drunk replies, "Give it time, lady, give it time."

JEWISH HUSBAND
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his father he has a part in the play. The boy's father asks, "What part is it? The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The father scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

SWEAT
A man and his wife are having sex. Fifteen minutes has passed, 30 minutes, then 45 minutes. Sweat is pouring off both of them. The wife finally looks up and says, "What's the matter, honey, can't you think of anyone else, either?"

WE ARE EMBARRASSED TO PUBLISH THIS JOKE
A Chinese couple gets married, and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My daring," he says, "I know dis you fus time and you berry frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting jus anyting you wan, you say. Watchou wan?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride. A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I wan...numba 69." More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries, "You wan...beef with brocceri?"

ROLLING AROUND
Q: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A: Shoot him again.

READY FOR VACATION
Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob told Lester, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again. Last year, you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant again." Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" Billy Bob says, "This year, I'm taking Marie with me."

FIXING THE WATCH
Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

DIFFERENT
The difference between men and women is that a woman wants one man to satisfy her every need, and a man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

WON'T GO AWAY
A man wakes up one morning with a huge erection that just won't go away. After a couple of days, he is really concerned, so he puts on the baggiest pair of trousers he can find and heads for the drug store. He enters the store and goes to the pharmaceutical section. The lady there asks if she might help him. He asks to see a male pharmacist. The woman tells him that there is no male pharmacist. The man starts to leave. The woman says, "Wait a minute, sir, I am a registered pharmacist, as is my sister, and we own the store. We are very professional and discreet and accustomed to personal problems of all kinds." The guy is desperate. He edges up to the counter, unzips his trousers, and gets out his rather stiff member. He then says, "What can you give me for this?" The woman says, "How long has it been that way?" The man responds, "Almost three days." The woman says, "I will have to consult with my sister, and I'll be right back. She leaves and returns in a few minutes. The man asks, "What did you decide?" She says, "The best we can do right now is $5,000 and a half interest in the drug store."

AnswerID: 104661

Follow Up By: Nudenut - Friday, Apr 01, 2005 at 14:16

Friday, Apr 01, 2005 at 14:16
SWMBO must have one arm shorter than the other... no wonder i cant understand my wife (italian)

or is that cos she's just female
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FollowupID: 362007

Follow Up By: Nudenut - Friday, Apr 01, 2005 at 14:18

Friday, Apr 01, 2005 at 14:18
actually i knew this as ....
if you grab both her arms and hold them still while she's talking...she shut's up...hehehehe
0
FollowupID: 362008

Reply By: Member - Bernard - Friday, Apr 01, 2005 at 13:55

Friday, Apr 01, 2005 at 13:55
15 Years long

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he
gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict,
look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in
years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain,
do whatever he tells you.! Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This
guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey.
Remember, I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!
AnswerID: 104667

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