Phriday Phunnny

Peter met Susan in a nightclub.

They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the
evening Susan invited Peter to her place, where they quickly got
involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled
up close to each other.

After a short while, Susan began tenderly stroking Peter's manhood.

Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, "Surely you can't be ready
for more already?"

Susan replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I
miss the days when I had mine.

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly. 'Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours.'

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off.

Climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, 'Any idea where we are?'

'Struth, I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.'

We all need a little stress-reliever! This only takes a minute. Please don't be a bore and ruin it. Send it on to everyone you know including the person that sent it to you.

Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break up the day. And, if we are honest, we have a lot more stressful days than not.

Here is your dose of humour...

A. Follow the instructions to find your new name.

B. Once you have your new name, put it in the subject box and forward it to friends and family and co-workers.

Don't forget to forward it back to the person who sent it to you, so they know you participated. And don't go all adult - a senior manager is now known far and wide as Dorky Gizzardsniffer.

The following is excerpted from a children's book, Captain Underpants And the Perilous Plot Professor Poopypants, by Dave Pilkey, in which the evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names...

1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first name:

a = snickle
b = doombah
c = goober
d = cheesey
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = dumbo
h = farcus
i = dorky
j = doofus
k = funky
l = boobie
m = sleezy
n = sloopy
o = fluffy
p = stinky
q = slimy
r = dorfus
s = snooty
t = tootsie
u = dipsy
v = sneezy
w = liver
x = skippy
y = dinky
z = zippy

2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:

a = dippin
b = feather
c = batty
d = burger
e = chicken
f = barffy
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = bleep le
j = monkey
k = flippin
l = fricken
m = bubble
n = rhino
o = potty
p = hamster
q = buckle
r = gizzard
s = lickin
t = snickle
u = chuckle
v = pickle
w = hubble
x = dingle
y = gorilla
z = girdle

3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:

a = butt
b = boob
c = face
d = nose
e = hump
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = head
l = tush
m = chunks
n = dunkin
o = brains
p = biscuits
q = toes
r = doodle
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = frack
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = hiney
z = juice

Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is: Fluffy Chucklefanny.

> WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE
>
>
>
> Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you
> marry me?" The girl said "NO!"
>
> The guy lived happily ever after & went fishing,
> hunting, & played golf a lot & drank beer
>
> & farted whenever he wanted.
>
> THE END

=====================================================



>> Subject: Satan
>>
>> Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
>>
>> Everyone started screaming and running for the exit,
>> trampling each
>> other in
>> a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
>>
>> Soon, everyone had exited the church except for one
>> elderly gentleman,
>> who
>> sat calmly in his seat without moving, seemingly
>> oblivious to the fact
>> that
>> God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
>>
>> So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't
>> you know who I am?"
>>
>> The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
>>
>> "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
>>
>> "Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
>>
>> "Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked
>> Satan.
>>
>> "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man,
>> in an even tone.
>>
>> "Did you know that I could cause you profound
>> horrifying, AGONY for all
>> eternity?" persisted Satan.
>>
>> "Yep," was the calm reply.
>>
>> "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
>>
>> "Nope," said the old man.
>>
>> More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well,
>> why aren't you afraid
>> of
>> me?"
>>
>> The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister
>> for 44 years."


=====================================================

POKER
>> > >
>> > >Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped
>> > >some cards on the floor. When he bent down under, the table to pick
>> > >them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under
>> > >her dress!
>> > >
>> > >Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Sue followed
>> > >and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
>> > >
>> > >Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well
>> > >indeed, he did.
>> > >
>> > >She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."
>> > >
>> > >After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs
>> > >of
>> > >this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that
>> > >since her husband works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John
>> > >should
>> >
>> > >be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
>> > >
>> > >When Friday rolled around, John showed up at her house at 2 p.m. sharp
>> > >and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom
>> > >and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and
>> > >left.
>> > >
>> > >As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the
>> > >house, asked his wife abruptly." Did John come by the house this
>> > >afternoon?" With a lump in her throat, Sue answered, "Why yes, he did
>> > >stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a
>> > >beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"
>> > >
>> > >In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out and after
>> > >mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did
>> > >give
>> >
>> > >me $500."
>> > >
>> > >Bill replied, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this
>> > >morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our
>> > >house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
>> > >
>> > >Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!

A man sat at a local bar and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating."

"What a coincidence," said the woman next to him. "I'm celebrating, too" she replied, clinking glasses with him. "What are your celebrating?"

"I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

"What a coincidence, the woman said. "For my husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.

"I switched cocks," he replied.

"What a coincidence," she said.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Crown Lager and women with big boobs."