Phridday Phunny

Submitted: Friday, Oct 21, 2005 at 09:11

ThreadID: 27427 Views:2552 Replies:9 FollowUps:1

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Member - Roachie (SA)

The Train Set

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her
five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying........
''All of you b@stards who want off, get the hell off
now, 'cause this is the last stop!
And all of you b@stards who are getting on, get your
ass in the train, cause we are going down the tracks.''
The horrified mother went in and told her son, ''We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now i want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but
i want you to use nice language.''
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom &
resumed playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son
say, ''All passengers who are disembarking the train, please
remember to take all your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one.''
She hears the little boy continue, For those of you
just boarding, we ask you to stow all your hand luggage under your
seat.Remember there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will
have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.''
As the mother began to smile, the child added, ''For those of you who are bleep off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat b!tch in the kitchen.''

************************************************************

Ladies and Gentlemen, they just keep flooding in....
President Bush has just released a statement following his
investigation into the New Orleans disaster.

The blame is being put on a Muslim suicide plumber.

************************************************************The Mayor of New Orleans has denied rumours that the Mardi Gras has been
cancelled. He expects a record number of floats this year on Main Street.

**********************************************************************
5 black men in purple dinner jackets and bow ties were found today floating
under a pier in New Orleans.

DNA tests later identified them as The Drifters.

Rumour has it they were under the boardwalk, down by the sea.

**********************************************************************

Eric Burden and The Animals are re-releasing one of their earlier
hits.

The first line is "There was a house in New Orleans"...

***********************************************************************

Two planeloads of volunteers left Liverpool airport today bound for New Orleans to assist with the looting.

hehehehehe

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Reply By: crfan - Friday, Oct 21, 2005 at 09:31

Friday, Oct 21, 2005 at 09:31

A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead dinosaur with a pigmy standing beside it. Amazed, he asked: "Did you kill that?". The pigmy said "Yes." The hunter asked "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?". Said the pigmy: "I killed it with my club." The astonished hunter asked: "How big is your club?" The pigmy replied: "There's about 60 of us."
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AnswerID: 135529

Reply By: Nudenut - Friday, Oct 21, 2005 at 09:57

Friday, Oct 21, 2005 at 09:57

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The
doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the
eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured, you'd best put your affairs in order."

O'Malley was shocked and saddened.
But of solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the
doctor's office into the waiting room,to his son who had been waiting,
O'Malley said,
"Well son. We Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when
things don't go so
well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."
After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less sober. There were
some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of
O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.O'Malley
told
them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He
went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told
his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave
O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers. After his
friends left, O'Malley's son whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought
you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"
O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone!"

AnswerID: 135540

Reply By: Greg1952 - Friday, Oct 21, 2005 at 10:50

Friday, Oct 21, 2005 at 10:50

A schoolboy was walking home from school when a car stopped nearby.

“Hop in” said the driver, but the schoolboy kept walking.

“Hop in and I’ll give you some lollies” said the driver, but the schoolboy ignored him.

“If you hop in I’ll give you some lollies and $10”, but the schoolboy kept walking.

“I’ll give you $100 if you hop in” said the driver.

The schoolboy turned to the driver and said….
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“Dad, I told you when you bought this NISSAN that I’ll never drive in it…NO MATTER WHAT!!!!”

AnswerID: 135551

Reply By: Rosco - Qld - Friday, Oct 21, 2005 at 11:47

Friday, Oct 21, 2005 at 11:47

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the
night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, "You'll
not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy." Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll
be on my way then." Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls
flat on his face.

"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite, Shoite!" He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He
sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much
better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face. 'Bi'
Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says. He can see his house just a few doors
down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door
and shimmies inside. He takes look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way".
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the
bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says
"Fockit" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of
coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' bleep . But how'd you know?"

"Mick phoned, . . .You left your wheelchair at the pub!

AnswerID: 135559

Reply By: Snowy 3.0iTD - Friday, Oct 21, 2005 at 11:57

Friday, Oct 21, 2005 at 11:57

Four men were bragging how smart their cats were. The first man was
An Engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a Chemist,and the fourth man was a Public Servant.

To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "T-Square, do your stuff."
T-Square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and a pen and
promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that as pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat
And said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went into the kitchen and returned with a dozen Tim Tams, he divided them into four equal piles of 3 each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a litre of milk, got a 250 ml glass from the cupboard
and measured out 200 mls without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that
was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can
your cat do?" The Public Servant called to his cat and said, "Coffee
Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the Tim Tams, drank the milk, whizzed on the paper, sexually assaulted the
Other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a
provisional movement notice for unsafe working conditions, put in a
claim for Workers Compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

AnswerID: 135560

Reply By: Bonz (Vic) - Friday, Oct 21, 2005 at 12:28

Friday, Oct 21, 2005 at 12:28

This is so amazing!

In the middle of the table is a round food tray with five kinds of fruits on it.

They are:

a. Apple

b. Banana

c. Strawberry

d. Peach

e. Orange

Which fruit will you choose? Please think VERY carefully and don't rush into it. This is great, I was astounded! Your choice reveals a lot about you!

Test results Below.

If you have chosen:

a. Apple: That means you are a person who loves to eat apples

b. Banana: That means you are a person who loves to eat bananas

b. Strawberry: That means you are a person who loves to eat strawberries

d. Peach: That means you are a person who loves to eat peaches

e. Orange: That means you are a person who loves to eat oranges

I hope you find fulfillment in this new insight about yourself. May it bring you peace and understanding, tranquility and all that other profound stuff.

.
Time is an illusion produced by the passage of history
.

Lifetime Member
My Profile My Blog My Position Send Message
Moderator

AnswerID: 135565

Reply By: porl - Friday, Oct 21, 2005 at 13:36

Friday, Oct 21, 2005 at 13:36

and while you are all sitting at your computers try and do this - if your right handed with your right side - or with the lft if left handed . With your right foot start drawing circles, bout a foot in radius, not huge, just comfortable circles in the clockwise direction. Then raise your right hand in the air and try and draw a large "6" without changing the direction of your foot. Good luck, not impossible but amusing trying to get there.

AnswerID: 135580

Follow Up By: Bitsumishin - Mike (WA) - Friday, Oct 21, 2005 at 19:41

Friday, Oct 21, 2005 at 19:41

Easy if you start the 6 from the middle & work outward

FollowupID: 389537

Reply By: Member - Paul J (ACT) - Friday, Oct 21, 2005 at 14:08

Friday, Oct 21, 2005 at 14:08

Hotel bill

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager
appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $50."

"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"She was here and you could have."
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AnswerID: 135586