Friday, Nov 11, 2005 at 16:03
To the citizens of USA
In the light of your failure to manage a free and fair voting system and elect a suitable President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, {a fact that has been getting progressively worse since the rumpus you created about Tea in 1776– refer to 11 below} we hereby, for the sake of mankind and ultimately the Universe, give notice of the revocation of your independence, and the reversion to a Colony, effective today. {NB see rule No1 below to clarify any doubts related to terminology used in this Declaration}
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories of the Colony. Except Texas, of which she says – “We are neither impressed nor amused”
Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America obviating the need for further
elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition back to a civilized and ultimately a more mature member of the worlds nations, as a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You will look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. (You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.)
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.
You will end your mispronunciation [look up mispronunciation] with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the correct suffix "ise".
You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced '
burra' e.g. Edinburgh.
You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. [Look up "vocabulary"]. Using the same twenty seven words
interspersed with filler noises such as “um” “ya know” "like" is an unacceptable and juvenile form of communication. [Look up "interspersed" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to expand your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language
as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize". A patch will be available from MS.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.
While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires"
e.g. Coloradoshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire etc.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf"
will not be re-cast and watered down for a immature American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football and is always played with a round ball. What you refer to as American "football" is a very juvenile game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls, as it is a game which requires both physical and mental fitness.
Those of you brave and
bright enough will, in time, be allowed to play another Mans game called Rugby
(from which the silly, watered down game you call American "football" was plagiarised., it does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).
We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens to play against our secondary schools sides, by 2007.
You will stop calling the game, baseball, a 'World Series' when is almost hardly played seriously outside of America.
Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
Instead of baseball, you will be taught to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without the “need” for fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards hotdogs or dozens of scantily attired, apparently intellectually challenged girls jumping around the playing field.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler and because we don't believe you are yet mature enough to handle such
potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry the vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a bank {public}holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive and Gullibly Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap [Merde in French which all civilised nations know and understand}This is for both your own good and for the good of the environment.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left [i.e. the correct side of the road] with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect, and as we know that this will be extremely taxing and stressful conversion tables will be available everywhere. Roundabouts and metrication
will also help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries or in your latest example of childishness, freedom fries, are not chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian. [though 97.85% of you, including the gentleman who discovered fries while in Europe are not aware of a country called Belgium] Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer (see 12 below) which should be served warm and flat.
Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers to speed up their education..
11. As a
sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. That tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not beer, it is lager. From January 1st 2006 only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
referred to as "Lager".
The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as NFGU ["Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine"] with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as WNFGU "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine".
This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From January 1st 2006, the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2006) prices with the former USA.
The UK will harmonise its petrol prices to those of the former USA and the new colony, will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or Psychiatrists . The fact that you need so many of these people show that you're not adult enough to be independent.
15. With immediate effect you will reveal to the BBC, The Guardian The New
York Times and The Washington Post both who killed JFK and who planned and carried out the dreadful happening you refer to as 9/11 i.e. the occurrence on the 11th of September when the WTC towers were demolished..
16. Revenue officials i.e. Tax collectors, from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure
the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your cooperation.
Signed under the seal of
Her Royal Majesty
Queen Elizabeth.
This 4th day of November 2005.
{Ps, you may not refer to HRH as Queenie.}
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