Phriday Phunney

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked
> you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
>
> The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60 perhaps
> your radar gun needs calibrating.
>
> Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear,
> you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
>
> As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife
> and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
>
> The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar
> detector went off when it did."
>
> As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector
> unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn
> it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
>
> The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your
> seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
>
> The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it
> off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back
> pocket."
>
> The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your
> seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
>
> And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns
> to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
>
> The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always
> talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
>
> "Only when he's been drinking."

KENNY THE ROOSTER

Well, Kenny the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes him home and sets him down in the barnyard, then gives the rooster a pep talk.
"I want you to pace yourself now," the farmer says.
"You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun!"
Kenny seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house.
He expects the bird to strut over there and survey the scene, but Kenny takes off like a shot.

WHAM!- Kenny nails every hen in the hen house-three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.
After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen - sure enough, Kenny is in there.
Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the lake.

Once again -WHAM! He gets all the geese.
By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.
Sure enough, the farmer wakes up the next day to find Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard.
Vultures are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself.
I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the vultures circling in the sky and whispers, "Shhh, they're getting closer."

A paradigm shift...........

ONE FOR THE OLDIES
A 75-year-old man went to his doctor to get a sperm count. The Dr. gave him a jar, sent him home and told him to bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 75-year-old man returned to the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, "Well, doc,it's like this... First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.
We even called up Arlene, the lady next door, and she tried too,first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbour!!??"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what all three of us tried, with our arthritis, we still couldn't get the jar open."

When Ralph first noticed that his peni$ was growing larger and staying
erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.
But after several weeks, his peni$ had grown to nearly twenty inches.
Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing,
and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple
that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective
surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you!!

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day
While they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly
jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and
stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to
the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act,
she considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell
Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able
to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the
life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved,
hung himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after
you saved him. I am sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon Can I go home?"

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel." The Captain said "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

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One day Superman is really horny and sees Wonder Woman sunbathing on a beach naked! He gets an idea... "They've always said I'm faster than a speeding bullet and I've always wondered what she'd be like with all her powers. So he zooms down and does her in a flash and is gone before anyone can notice. All of a sudden WonderWoman sits up and says, "What the was that!?!". Then the Invisible Man gets off her and replies, "I don't know but it hurt like hell!"

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A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell. The wife answers.
"Hi, is Tony home?"
"No, Chris, he went to the store."
"Well, do you mind if I wait?"
"No, come on in."
They sit down and the friend says, "You know Sara, you have the most beautifully shaped breasts I've ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Sara thinks about this for a second and figures, what the hell, a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows him one. He thanks her and promptly throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says, " They are just so beautiful! I've got to see them both. I'll give you another hundred if I could just see them both together."
Sara say what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another hundred bucks on the table and says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about this for a second and says, "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

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Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A. He heard the snow blower coming.

Q. What's the difference between light and hard?
A. You can sleep with a light on.

Q. Why is sex like a bridge game?
A. You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

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Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.

Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.

So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

And Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache!"

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A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove".

"These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really good".

"I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again".

"When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing".

"Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love".

"P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

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There were these newly weds that were both virgins and nervous about the wedding night. Finally when it came, the wife took off all of her clothes and went under the covers while her husband took off his clothes one by one. First he took off his socks and his toes were messed up. His wife says "What happened to your toes?" He says "I had toelio". She says "You mean polio?", but he said, "No, toelio". Then he takes off his pants and the wife sees that his knees are all banged up and weird. The wife says "What happened to your knees?" He says "I had kneaseles". And she says "You mean measles?" and he says "No, kneaseles". Finally he took off his underwear and she says "Let me guess... small cox?"

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A little old lady goes to the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insists that she must speak with the President of the bank to open a savings account because it's a lot of money. They finally get her into the president's office and he asks her how much she would like to deposit. She says she has $165,000 and then dumps it out of the bag onto his desk. The president was surprised and of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asks her. The old lad says, "I make bets". The president replies, "Bets? What kind of bets?" and she says, "for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square". "Ha!" says the president, "That's a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of bet". The old lady says,"So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," says the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady says "OK, but since there is a lot of money involved is it OK with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM to witness?" "Sure" says the president. That night the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again, thouroughly checking them out until he was sure that there is no way his balls are square and that he will win the bet. The next morning at 10 AM the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduces the lawyer to the president and repeats the bet, that $25,000 says the president's balls are square. The president agrees with the bet again and the old lady asks him to drop his pants so they can see. The president does this. The little old lady looks closely at his balls and then asks if she can feel them. "Well, OK" says the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure". Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly banging his head against the wall and he asks the old lady , "What is wrong with your lawyer?" She replies, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that by 10 AM today I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hands!"

That'll do for now.

Cheers,

Chump

Nothin but the best