Flllliday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Feb 24, 2006 at 01:30
ThreadID: 31106 Views:2418 Replies:12 FollowUps:4
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What Retired People Do!

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well for example, the other day I went into town and went to a shop in Grenfell Street. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out
there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on mate, how about giving a senior a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.

So I called him a piece of dog bleep . He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third
ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't give a damn. I came into town by train.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.

********************************

A newlywed husband initiated sexual activity with his bride every night by turning to her and asking if she "would like to do the laundry".
One night after more than a year, she replies in the negative for the first time, pleading a headache.

In the morning, feeling quite guilty over her failure to meet her husbands needs, she asks him if he "would like to do the laundry" to which he replies:

"No thanks, it was a small load, I did it by hand"



------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What is the difference between men and women?

- A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.

- A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.




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Reply By: Member - Phil [Sunshine Coast] - Friday, Feb 24, 2006 at 05:11

Friday, Feb 24, 2006 at 05:11
10 reasons why men prefer guns over woman.
>> 1... you can trade an old 44 for a new 22
>> 2. ...you can keep one gun at home & one for when your on the road.
>> 3. .. if you admire a friends gun, he will let you try it a few times.
>>4. ..your primary gun does'nt mind if you keep another for backup.
>> 5... your gun will stay with you even when you run out of ammo.
>>6 ...a gun does'nt take up a lot of closet space.
>> 7. ..guns function normally, every day of the month.
>>8. .. a gun does'nt ask ''do these new grips make me look fat?''
>>9....a gun does'nt mind if you go to sleep after you use it..

and no. 10 [ & most popular is]
YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR YOUR GUN!
AnswerID: 156800

Follow Up By: Mike Harding - Saturday, Feb 25, 2006 at 07:44

Saturday, Feb 25, 2006 at 07:44
Excellent :)

Mike Harding
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FollowupID: 411130

Reply By: Goughy - Friday, Feb 24, 2006 at 07:30

Friday, Feb 24, 2006 at 07:30
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." Woody Allen!

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL." Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant." George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."

Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." Jack Nicholson !

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'." Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a bleep , and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams

" It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." Joan Rivers

" Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy." Steve Martin

" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life." Elmo Phillips

" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde

" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." George Burns
AnswerID: 156803

Follow Up By: Goughy - Friday, Feb 24, 2006 at 07:40

Friday, Feb 24, 2006 at 07:40
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for
his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and
says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of
these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me
have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says,
"Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over." The old rooster
says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the
farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire
chicken coop." The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a
chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young
rooster takes off running after him.
They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster
has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The
farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and -
BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes
his head and says, "Damn......that's the third poofter rooster I've
bought this month."

Moral of this story? .....

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - Old age and treachery will
always beat youth and skill!
0
FollowupID: 410940

Reply By: Member - Roachie (SA) - Friday, Feb 24, 2006 at 09:22

Friday, Feb 24, 2006 at 09:22
A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked, "Excuse me, Father, could I ask a favor?"

"Of course, my child, what can I do for you?"

"Here's the problem...... I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"

"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie."

"You have such an honest face, Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions," and she gave him the hair remover.

The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son," he replied.

Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"

The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used."

Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!"
AnswerID: 156814

Reply By: Member - Fred L (NSW) - Friday, Feb 24, 2006 at 10:29

Friday, Feb 24, 2006 at 10:29
A father took his son hunting for the first time. The father
said, "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."

An hour later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran
back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you
to be quiet!"

The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered
across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my
neck. I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my
shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp
stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the fly. I didn't
swear or scratch when the poison oak started itching.

But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, "Should we eat
them here or take them with us? Well, I guess I just panicked."

Cheers
AnswerID: 156821

Reply By: Member Boroma 604 - Friday, Feb 24, 2006 at 10:44

Friday, Feb 24, 2006 at 10:44
President Bush wanted to use a local church gtroup for a photo opportunity.
Bush's advance person said to the Pastor, "We will make a $10,000-00 contribution to your church , if during your introduction of the President, you say he is a saint"
The Pastor agreed to do this & accepted the $10,000-00 contribution. When the Pastor introduced the President before a nationally televised audience, the Pastor said:-
"George Bush is pretty, a self-absorbed hypocryte, & a nitwit.
He stole the 2000 election. He has polarised the country. He has politicised science. He lied about his military record. He invaded a country for oil and had the gall to land on an aircraft carrier & pose before a banner stating:- 'MISSION ACCOMPLISHED'.
He continues to blur the line betweenn church and state.
Cronyism & corruption are rampant in his administration .
He is the worst example of a Christian I have ever known.
BUT , compared to Dick Chaney , George Bush is a saint."

Boroma 604.
AnswerID: 156824

Reply By: Mr Fawlty - Friday, Feb 24, 2006 at 11:04

Friday, Feb 24, 2006 at 11:04
Breaking the rules with a multi post again....

Wabbits
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me, do you have
any widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on
her level, and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft,
fuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her
knees, leans forward and whispers ...

" I don't weally fink my pet pyfon careth."

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends !

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring .

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time... - A southern fairy tale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this bleep ...

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

AnswerID: 156828

Reply By: Sparkiepete - Friday, Feb 24, 2006 at 11:37

Friday, Feb 24, 2006 at 11:37
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.
Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Harold?"
She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"
She then said, "Harold, remember that new car you promised me?"
She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Harold, remember that BlowJob I promised you? Here it comes..."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
AnswerID: 156839

Reply By: Howard T - Friday, Feb 24, 2006 at 13:06

Friday, Feb 24, 2006 at 13:06
Would first of all like to thank all who helped me with a couple of problems i did have and fixed after the advice received and I would like to share this one with everyone.......
A Woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
.2 ltrs low fat milk
carton of eggs
2 ltrs of orange juice
head of lettuce
1/2 doz tomatoes
500g jar of coffee
250g pack of bacon
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing
behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ring up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated "You must be single". The woman was a bit startled by this statement, but was intrigued by the drunks intuition,since she was indeed single. She looked at her 6 items on the counter and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiousity getting the better of her she said "Well..you know what...you are absolutely correct, but how on earth did you know that"
The drunk replied "Cause you're ugly"

Cheers

Howard.
AnswerID: 156861

Reply By: Rosco - Qld - Friday, Feb 24, 2006 at 13:40

Friday, Feb 24, 2006 at 13:40
Courtesy of another forum ... but I reckon it's worth inclusion ........

TOOL DICTIONARY

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT REDGUM 4X2: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog**** off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.

1/2" SQUARE x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

LEAD LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is omewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly rounds off their heads.

JIMMY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50¢ part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

BUGGERIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "BUGGERIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.

EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.

Cheers
AnswerID: 156866

Follow Up By: Member - Pezza (QLD) - Friday, Feb 24, 2006 at 13:46

Friday, Feb 24, 2006 at 13:46
G'day Rosco,
Haven't seen you for a while, could you email me on pezzamail@bigponddotcomdotau, in regards to me giving you some beer!

Thanks
Avagoodn
Pezza
0
FollowupID: 410998

Follow Up By: Member - Brian (Gold Coast) - Friday, Feb 24, 2006 at 19:41

Friday, Feb 24, 2006 at 19:41
I'll email you too Pezza....... if it means gettin' some beer!!!!
0
FollowupID: 411085

Reply By: ellmcg - Friday, Feb 24, 2006 at 21:00

Friday, Feb 24, 2006 at 21:00
>>>> A young blonde woman in Sydney was so depressed that she decided to
>>>> end her life by throwing herself from the Harbour Bridge. She went down
>>>> to the bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a
>>>> handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the bridge,
>>>> crying.
>>>> He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for.
>>>> I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you
>>>> away on my ship.
>>>>
>>>> I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
>>>>
>>>> Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added,
>>>>
>>>> "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes.
>>>>
>>>> After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in
>>>>
>>>> Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor
>>>> brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night

>>>> he
>>>> brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made
>>>> passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine
>>>> inspection,
>>>> she
>>>> was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain
>>>> asked.
>>>>
>>>> "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, who's stowed me
>>>> away" she explained "I get food and free passage to Europe, and he's
>>>> screwing me."
>>>>
>>>> "He certainly is," the captain said. "this is the Manly Ferry"
AnswerID: 156924

Reply By: Bonz (Vic) - Friday, Feb 24, 2006 at 21:27

Friday, Feb 24, 2006 at 21:27
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spend $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I guess about 29."

The woman replies, "Nope I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I am 50, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast...He gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, "promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

"I was behind you in line at McDonald's
.
Time is an illusion produced by the passage of history
.

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AnswerID: 156927

Reply By: The Explorer - Saturday, Feb 25, 2006 at 00:20

Saturday, Feb 25, 2006 at 00:20
A country business owner was approached by a Trade Union official who claimed that he was not paying the correct wages and wanted to see the records.

The owner did this and when handing the records over stated that he paid the Supervisor who had been there 3 years, $600 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here about 18 months and I pay her $500 per week plus free
room and board.

Then there is the half-wit who works here about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes $10 per week, and I buy him a bottle of rum every Saturday night".

"That's the person I want to talk to, the half-wit", says the TU official.

"That would be me", replied the owner.
I sent one final shout after him to stick to the track, to which he replied “All right,” That was the last ever seen of Gibson - E Giles 23 April 1874

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AnswerID: 156947

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