Fridee Funee

>>: THE LITTLE OLD LADY IN COURT.
>>:
>>: *Defense Attorney:* Will you please state your age?"
>>: *Little Old Lady:* "I am 86 years old."
>>:
>>: *Defense Attorney:* "Will you tell us, in your own words,
>>: what happened the night of April 1st?"
>>:
>>: *Little Old Lady:* 'There I was, sitting there in my swing on
>>: my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man
>>: comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.'
>>:
>>: *Defense Attorney:* "Did you know him?"
>>:
>>: *Little Old Lady:* "No, but he sure was friendly."
>>:
>>: *Defense Attorney:* "What happened after he sat down?'
>>:
>>: *Little Old Lady:* "He started to rub my thigh."
>>:
>>: *Defense Attorney:* "Did you stop him?"
>>:
>>: *Little Old Lady: * "No, I didn't stop him."
>>:
>>: *Defense Attorney:* "Why not?"
>>:
>>: *Little Old Lady:* "It felt good. Nobody had done that
>>: since my Abner died some 30 years ago."
>>:
>>: *Defense Attorney:* "What happened next?"
>>:
>>: *Little Old Lady:* "He began to rub my breasts."
>>:
>>: *Defense Attorney:* "Did you stop him then?"
>>:
>>: *Little Old Lady:* "No, I did not stop him."
>>:
>>: *Defense Attorney:* "Why not?"
>>:
>>: *Little Old Lady: * "His rubbing made me feel all alive and
>>: excited. I haven't felt that good in years!"
>>:
>>: *Defense Attorney:* "What happened next?"
>>:
>>: *Little Old Lady:* "Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that
>>I
>>: just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"
>>:
>>: *Defense Attorney: * "Did he take you?"
>>:
>>: *Little Old Lady: * "Hell, no! He just yelled, April Fools!
>>: And that's when I shot him, the little bastard."



A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?" "Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"

.......................................................................

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

.......................................................................

A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

.......................................................................

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc. 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"

.......................................................................

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts ?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis."

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

in similar vein:

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Kmart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Kmart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Kmart ... Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?........ Do you really think they look alike?"

"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"

Shortly after his scheduled visit to the doctor, old Leroy starts dressing and acting like a dandy. Strutting up and down the street in tails, top hat and cane. His old friends, noticing the change ask why he's putting on airs. He explains, " well the doctor told me I'm impotent, well so long as I'm going to be impotent, I'm going to look impotent!"

Subject: Reflections on the McCartney break up

It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false leg. Personally, I think it's prosthetic.

News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long"! She said in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm really stumped"

"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she will need all the support she can get. It's not like its easy to walk out on a relationship like this"

After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he would ever consider going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer it if we called her Heather.

It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world, and if an agreement has been signed it is believed that she won't have a leg to stand on.

Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to get her leg over".

Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause.
"Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get home at night and find her legless"

Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler.

A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate "I'm f---ed, who will want a one legged gold digger?" His mate says "try Paul McCartney"

Finally a poem by Sir Paul McCartney:

I lay upon a grassy bank
My hands were all a quiver
I slowly removed her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river

These jokes are funny but lets spare a thought for Paul please. Now she has left him, he's going to struggle to find another woman who can fill her shoe.

A lunatic escapes from the local asylum and ducks into the laundromat. He finds three women doing their washing and proceeds to rape all the women, then takes off. Next day, the local papers were headlined with the distressing news - "NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS"

This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh...well...ah...well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "That won't work!"
His mom says, "Why???"
And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

DA VINCI CODE
Written across the wall of the cave were a list of symbols:

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least
three thousand years old!

The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The President of the society pointed to the first drawing and said: "This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.

The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."

Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said,
"Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left......

It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick

A woman in her sixties went to a plastic surgeon for a
facelift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure
called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the
top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up
her skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift.
Of course the woman wanted "The Knob"
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the
knob and the effects were wonderful.
The woman remained young looking and vibrant
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two
problems
All of these years, everything has been working just fine
I have turned the knob many times and have been
very pleased with the results. But now, I've developed
two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible
bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those
aren't bags, those are your breasts."
She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the
goatee!

Subject: The Dead Camel
>
>>> A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.
>> > >> On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without
> warning.
>> > >> After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their
>> > >> situation.
>> > >> After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well, sister,
> this
>> > >> looks pretty grim."
>> > >>
>> > >> I know, father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can
> survive
>>more
>> > >> than a day or two."
>> > >> "I agree," says the Father. "Sister, since we are unlikely to make
> it
>>out
>> > >> of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Anything, Father."
>> > >>
>> > >> "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might
>>see
>> > >> yours." Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do
>>any
>> > >> harm."
>> > >> The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her
>>shapely
>> > >> breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister, would you
>>mind
>> > >> if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several
>> > >> minutes.
>> > >>
>> > >> "Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes, Sister?"
>> > >>
>> > >> "I have never seen a man's bleep . Could I see yours?" "I suppose
> that
>> > >> would be OK," the priest replied, lifting his robe. "Oh Father,
> may
>>I
>> > >> touch it?" This time the priest consented and after a few minutes
> of
>> > >> fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
>> > >>
>> > >> "Sister, you know that if I insert my bleep in the right place, it
>>can
>> > >> produce life."
>> > >>
>> > >> "Is that true father?"
>> > >>
>> > >> "Yes, it is, Sister."
>> > >>
>> > >> "Oh Father that's wonderful, stick it in the camel and let's get
> the
>>hell
>> > >> out of here.

I was at a hamburger stand getting lunch the other day. When I ordered 2 hamburgers and a hot dog the most unattractive cook yells from in the kitchen "I'll get it". She then walked behind a wall but the one way mirrored glass was put in the wrong way and I could see exactly what she was doing.
She walked up to the freezer and pulled two hamburger patties out, thawing them out by putting them in her armpits, I was disgusted and thought for a second what should I say? but before my mind had told my mouth what to say it was out.... I yelled "Don't worry about the hot dog".

One for the diesel drivers......

He was 80, she was 20.
It was the talk of town when they got married.
A year later she went into the hospital to give birth.
The nurse who congratulated the old geezer said:
"You are amazing! How do you do it at your age?"
"You got to keep that old motor running," he said with pride.
The following year the young bride gave birth again.
"Wow," says the nurse. "You certainly are quite the man.
How do you keep doing it?"
Same answer:
"Just got to keep the old motor running."
A year later, along comes baby number three.
The nurse remarks:
"Still got that old motor running, eh?"
"Sure do," he says.
The nurse tells him:
"Well, you better change your oil This one's black!!"

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom", he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied

Two Irish men were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walked by and asks what they are doing.

Paddy: "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.

The blonde took a spanner from her purse, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down. She then pulled a tape measure from her pocket, took a few measurements and announced that it was eighteen feet and six inches. She then walked off.

Mick: "Ain't that just like a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the length"

A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whisky. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked "that's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?" After quickly downing his drink, the man replied "I got home and found my wife in bed having sex with my best friend."

"Wow" exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple scotch. "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house."

As the man drowned his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him "What did you do?"

"I walked over to my wife," the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out."

"That makes sense," said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?"

The man replied, " I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye, and said 'BAD DOG!' "

Quick thinking
This big hells angels looking dude walks into a 7to7, slams his fist on the counter & screams to the young whimpy shop assistant, "I WANT A HALF HEAD OF LETTUCE" the shop assistant explains "we don't sell half heads sir"
"I WANT A F*%$#IN' HALF HEAD OF F$#%^N' LETTUCE......NOW"
so the young bloke heads out the back to see his boss & says "hey boss, theres this big ugly wnkr out here that looks like a camels arze & is wearing a matching aftershave & wants a half head of lettuce" & with that he turns to point where the Biker was standing & finds him standing right behind him, with that he says, "But don't worry, coz this gentleman said he would take the other half......

Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby Russ was

Born without ears. When the mother and new baby came home from the

Hospital, Johnny' s family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him

And explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if

He so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even

Said the word "ears" he would get the spanking of his life when they

Came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."

Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands,
Cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will
Have 20/20 vision."

"That's great," said Little Johnny, 'cuz he'd

Be bleep outta luck if he needed glasses