Phridai Phunnie time

I'v had the other sister for 36 yrs

I spose Id get called the third sister in our house....nice one!!!

Laura/Diver

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Singapore and the place is
absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new
audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Singaporean man jumps out of his seat in the first row and
shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!".

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied
career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then
goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes
the whole place goes wild.

The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord,
play a Jazz chord". A bit annoyed by this, Stevie, being the
professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with
his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.
The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a
jazz chord". Really angry now that this guy doesn't seem to appreciate
his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smartypants.
You get up here and do it!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and
starts to sing .....

Wait for it...

.....

.....

.......

..... Sings...

.......

.........

" A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

One dark night outside a small town near Christchurch, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved and we will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.

But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire station who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Maori rural township volunteer Fire Company composed mainly of Maoris over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the Maori old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters. The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Well," said Rangi, the 70-year-old fire chief, "The first thing we gonna do is fix the brakes on that bloody truck!"

cheers

A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper.

"Where does poo come from?" she asks.

The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says: "Well you know we just ate breakfast?"

"Yes," answers the girl.

"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."

The little girl looks shocked, and stares, at him with a
watery eyes in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks:

"And Tigger?"

So long as were telling church jokes,

I was talking to my neighbour the other day and noticed he had a black eye. I Q? this and he told me how how had been in church, enjoying the service, but during one of the occassions where they were required to stand, he had noticed the young girl in front of them had a little problem. You see she was wearing a dress of fairly clingy material and when she had stood up, her dress had sort of stuck between her butt cheeks, and it was looking a bit rude. Being a helpful bloke he had thought he would come to her assistance, and leaned over, given the dress a little tug, and pulled it out for her. She had shown her appreciation for his help by punching him in the eye. Fair enough.

Well a week later I saw this same neighbour, and now he was really beat up. Two black eyes and a broken nose. What happened this time? I asked. Well I was back in church again on Sunday, and that same girl was sitting in front of us, wearing the same dress, with the same problem. Well the bloke next to me tried to help her by tugging the dress out. But I knew she didn't like that, so I leaned over and poked it back in for her!

Good one Paul, this is a true story that is funny at the time. On a trip with my father in law to Bali some years ago we got comfortable with my father in law in the aisle seat two in front of me. When the flight attendant pushed the trolley past him he dropped his headphone in the aisle.

He still had hold of the cord.

He then preceeded to reel in the head phones from the floor. Except it got caught on the seat in front and the bottom of the hosties skirt. Without realizing it he kept pulling on the cord and as the headset was retracted it lifted the hosties skirt up to her waist. She took no time in turning around and telling the very straight god fearing 65 year old that he should know better by his age. She straightened her skirt and marched off down the aisle leaving the father in law blushing a bright red.

Boy did we laugh and rib him the whole trip.

I expained to the hstie before we got off as he was not able to look her in the eye..

SKinny

I don't know if it's true but I would not be at all
surprised :)

Mike Harding

----------------------------------------------------------
This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries
by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality,
State of Pennsylvania. This guy's response is hilarious,
but read the State's letter before you get to the response
letter.

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
Lycoming County

Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of
Environmental Quality that there has been recent
unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of
property. You have been certified as the legal landowner
and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized
activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across
the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of
activity.

A review of the Department's files shows that no permits
have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined
that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland
Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and
Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of
1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the
Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the
dams partially failed during! a recent rain event, causing
debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that
dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be
permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and
desist all activities at this location, and to restore the
stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and
brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All
restoration work shall be completed no later than January
31, 2006.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been
completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be
scheduled by our staff.

Failure to comply with this request or any further
unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case
being referred for elevated enforcement action..

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in
this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office
if you have any questions.

Sincerely, David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.

---------------

Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming
County

Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me
to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the
Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane , Trout Run, Pennsylvania .

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process
of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams
across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not
pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I
think they would be highly offended that you call their
skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I
would like to challenge your department to attempt to
emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you
choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you
could ever match their dam skills, their dam
resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam
persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work
ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware
that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the
start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to
discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or (2) do you
require all beavers throughout this State to conform to
said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular
beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request
completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam
permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there
really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and
Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental
Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being
sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania
Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the
beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond
Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for
said representation -- so the State will have to provide
them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that
either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain
event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural
occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In
other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone
rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow
condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are
going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any
attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read
English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right
to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is
blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They
have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring
Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and
Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should
protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment
(Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam
case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action
right now. Why wait until 1/31/2006? The Spring Pond
Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no
way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a
real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It
is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I
definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating
bears and leave the beavers alone.

If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your
step! The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being
unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am
sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU. RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

Dear Diary:
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal
trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6 am.
Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at
the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a
Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile.
Woo Hoo!!!!!

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although
my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was
around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it!
My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full
mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my
screams bothered the other club members.
Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and
when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY
annoying.
My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on
the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to
simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

She said some other bleep too.

THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.

She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic
little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I could
move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps.
I don't have any triceps!

And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a
sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama
coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven
straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun
--like a root canal or a vasectomy.

An Aboriginal elder, sat in his humpy eyeing two government officials sent to interview him.

One official said to him, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he has done."

The elder nodded in agreement.

"Considering all these events," the official continued, "in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The elder stared at the two government officials for over a minute, then calmly replied: "When white man found the land, Aboriginals were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty kangaroo. Plenty fish. Women did all the work. Medicine man free. Aboriginal man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."

Then the elder leaned back and smiled before adding, "Only white man bloody stupid enough to think he could improve system like that."