Flyday Flunny

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he
said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into theriver."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had
all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the

river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had
all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the
river."

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile,
nearly laughing, "For our closing song,
let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."
Smile, life is too short not to !!

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The biker club

A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day
she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with
tattoos all over his arms answers.

She proclaims, "I want to join your club."

The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker
requirements in order to join. The biker asks; "Do you have a
motorcycle?

The little old lady replies "Yep...my bike's parked over there", and
points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, drink like a fish. I'll drink any
man in your club under the table."

The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep...smoke like a chimney. At least 4
packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in
the evening, while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've
been swung around by my nipples a few times."

Cheers,
Bros.

This bloke walks into his local 7/11 & just as he is about to step inside, he steps in a big fresh clutch of barkers eggs, after a few choice words, he looks around & see's an ice cream stick so he picks it up & begins to scrape the Pooch Poo off his thongs. when he finishes, he puts the stick in the pile & proceeds into the shop for his Milk, he pays for it & as he is walking out he notices a little old lady scraping the Hound Hoeky off her doc martins with the same stick & comments, "I just did that" with she replies, "Dirty little b a s t a r d, I should rub your friggin' nose in it....

Instructions for cleaning the toilet:

1. Lift the lid on the toilet and fill it with 1/8 cup of animal shampoo.

2. Take the cat in your arms and stroke it gently while slowly moving in the direction of the toilet.

3. At a suitable moment, throw the cat into the toilet bowl and close the lid quickly and either stand or sit on the lid.

4. The cat will now start the cleaning process and will generate plenty of foam. Do not be

5. After several minutes flush the toilet to start the “Power-wash” pre-wash and then flush again for the main wash cycle.

6. Ask someone to open the front door and ensure that no-one is between the toilet and the front door concerned about the loud noises coming from the toilet; your cat is enjoying it’s self. .

7. Get off the toilet seat and from a safe distance open the toilet lid quickly. The cat will dry off naturally due to the high speed it will be moving from the toilet to the front door.

8. The toilet and the cat are now both clean.

Signed, The Dog

A bloke is spending his nervous first night in prison. After the lights go out it's all quiet until somebody yells out "27". Well the place erupts with laughter, with inmates calling out "good one!" The new inmate is of course a bit confused as to what is going on.
Well after it all settles down again somebody calls out "93". Well this brings pademonium, howls of laughter, inmates clanging their cups on the bars, hoots and hollers all around. Well now our new inmate is really confused to he askes his cellmate what on earth is going on. Well his cellmate explains that as all of the prisoners had been in there so long, and as they all knew all the jokes, they had just numbered them. So if you wanted to tell a joke, all you had to do was call out the number, and everybody knew what joke it was. Well the new inmate was impressed by this and asked if anybody could do it, "of course" was the reply. So he waited for a quiet moment, then calls out "20!". Well this was greeted with a gew groans, a few calls of "loser", "get a life", etc.
Well now really confused he turns to his cellmate and asked what went wrong, was that a bad joke or something?
His cellmate replies " Well some people just can't tell a joke!"

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) argued over nothing
2) refused to apologize when obviously wrong
3) gained weight
4) talked excessively without making sense
5) became overly emotional
6) couldn't drive
7) failed to think rationally
8) had to sit down while urinating

No further testing was considered necessary.