PHRYDAY PHUNNIE

Which reminds me of a joke from my youth back in the 60s ....

Did you hear about the newly wed couple who didn't know the difference between Vasoline and putty?

All their windows fell out.

What happens when men wake up........

BRAIN LOG; 063015112000

SYSTEM: Attention. Alert registered.

CENTRAL: Alert? Number One, report!

NUMBER ONE: Sir! We're picking up loud music.

CENTRAL: Music? We were just asleep!

NUMBER ONE: Yes sir. Ears report it's "The Last Train to Clarksville."

CENTRAL: Good lord, are we being tortured?

NUMBER ONE: Sir, Eyes are functional and request instruction.

CENTRAL: Tell them to open up and try to find out what is going on.

NUMBER ONE: Scope! Okay, I see darkness... darkness... Wait, there's
a woman sleeping there.

CENTRAL: A woman?

NUMBER ONE: Sir, Libido Station wants to know if it is Anna Kournikova.

CENTRAL: Forget about Libido. What can you tell me?

NUMBER ONE: Sir, Memory reports a near perfect match to "wife," sir.

CENTRAL: Well of course. Keep looking.

NUMBER ONE: Sir, urgent report from Stomach on the horn, do you want
to take it?

CENTRAL: Stomach, what's going on?

STOMACH: Sir, we've taken a hit, it... it looks bad, sir.

CENTRAL: Get hold of yourself, man!

STOMACH: Yessir. It looks like a burrito, sir. It exploded at
about 1900 hours and we've been out of action ever since.
I don't... I don't know if she can take much more,
Captain.

CENTRAL: Stomach! Now you listen to me, son. We're all counting
on you up here. Don't give up now. Remember the chilli of
'94? We made it through that, we can make it through
anything.

STOMACH: Yessir. You can count on me, sir.

CENTRAL: Good man.

NUMBER ONE: Sir, I've got a visual on the clock!

CENTRAL: Tell me, Number One.

NUMBER ONE: Oh my God, sir. It's horrible.

CENTRAL: Dammit sailor, get a grip on yourself!

NUMBER ONE: It's... It's six thirty, sir. In the morning.

CENTRAL: In the morning? Not again. I thought... I thought that
we'd had the worst of it yesterday.

SYSTEM: Sixty seconds to consciousness.

CENTRAL: This is madness. Do you know what's going to happen if we
go conscious now, this early?

NUMBER ONE: Work, sir?

CENTRAL: That's right, Number One. It'll be work, all right. I
don't... I don't know if I can live through that hell
again.

SYSTEM: Fifty seconds to consciousness.

NUMBER ONE: Sir? Do you have orders?

CENTRAL: Hmmm?

NUMBER ONE: Orders, sir. Do you have orders for us?

CENTRAL: Orders? Orders, Number One? Damn right there are
orders! Let's get ourselves moving.

NUMBER ONE: Aye aye, sir!

SYSTEM: Forty seconds to consciousness.

CENTRAL: Shut that damn thing off, I'm trying to think. Get our
remote stations on line. I want a Search and Acquire on
anything that feels like a snooze button. Tell them to
MOVE. Bladder!

BLADDER: Yes sir?

CENTRAL: How are you holding?

BLADDER: All systems are flush and ready, sir. We can go another
three hours, easy.

CENTRAL: Very well, Bladder. Number One, get me Nose on the horn.

NOSE: Sir, Nose reporting, sir!

CENTRAL: Good to hear from you, Nose. How are you doing up there?

NOSE: Sir, ah, we registered cat breath about twenty minutes
ago, but it was pretty faint and I didn't think...

CENTRAL: Steady on, nose. You were right not to trigger an alert.

NOSE: Thank you, sir.

CENTRAL: Nose, I'm afraid I have bad news for you, son. We took a
burrito last night.

NOSE: Oh no, sir, not again!

CENTRAL: I said steady! You're going to have to hold on, you hear
me? Hold on,and it will pass. I don't want ANYTHING
getting through to Consciousness.

NOSE: Yes sir. I'll try, sir.

CENTRAL: That's the spirit. Stomach!

STOMACH: Sir?

CENTRAL: How are you doing down there?

STOMACH: We've been breached, Captain. The whole alimentary is in
flames. I'm trying to keep it contained, but I can't
promise anything.

CENTRAL: Damn!

NUMBER ONE: Sir, Libido Station reports it is ready for battle!

CENTRAL: Tell Libido to calm down, I'll call him when I need
him. Any report from our search party?

NUMBER ONE: Sir, Fingers report they located and toppled a glass of
water, a pair of glasses, and a box of Kleenex. No luck
on the snooze, sir.

CENTRAL: Number One, I don't mind telling you, if we don't get this
under control we're going to lose her.

NUMBER ONE: Yes sir. Sir, Libido requests positive verification that
the woman sleeping next to us is not Anna Kournikova.

CENTRAL: For crying out loud.

NUMBER ONE: Sir, Ears reports the song is over. It's going to
commercial, sir.

CENTRAL: How much time on the system clock?

NUMBER ONE: Ten seconds to consciousness, sir. We've lost smile
control in the lower facial and we're developing a frown.

CENTRAL: Brace yourself, Number One. I'm afraid we've had it.

UMBER ONE: Sir! Fingers has located target. Repeat, Fingers is on
target!

CENTRAL: Fire!

NUMBER ONE: Hit! Sir, direct hit!

CENTRAL: Ears!

NUMBER ONE: It's gone, Captain! Ears reports the music is gone!

CENTRAL: We've done it!

SYSTEM: Consciousness cancelled.

NUMBER ONE: Sir, all systems are ready for sleep mode. Repeat, sleep
mode now ready.

CENTRAL: Trigger sleep mode NOW.

NUMBER ONE: Sleep mode triggered, aye aye, sir.

CENTRAL: Shut Eyes.

NUMBER ONE: Eyes off, sir. Frown relaxed, smile restored.

CENTRAL: By golly, that was a close one.

NUMBER ONE: Yessir. Sir, Dream Team requests selection. Libido
asking for something naked, sir.

CENTRAL: Request denied. Let's roll the one where we show up for
church wearing only our underwear, I like that one.

NUMBER ONE: Roger that, sir. Dream selection completed and tape is
rolling, sir.

CENTRAL: Good work, Number One. You take the helm.

NUMBER ONE: Aye aye, sir

I'm not sure who did the maths, but the idea is amusing...

If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the
Iraq theatre of operations during the last 22 months, and a total of
2,112 deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000
soldiers.

The firearm death rate in Washington D.C. is 80.6 per 100,000 for the
same period.

That means that you are about 25% more likely to be shot and killed in
the U.S. Capital, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in
the USA, than you are in Iraq.

Conclusion: The U.S. should pull out of Washington immediately

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.

I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.

My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

Country wife said she would like a sea change and asked husband what he would miss the most.
Short and quick "YOU"

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie
with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony
and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just
drove by." A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out, "Matt's riding a new
bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

I like this :)
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Dogs of Munich

A long time ago, in the city of Munich (or Munchen, as the natives
call it), the inhabitants were having a big problem. There was a
massive increase in the number of dogs residing in the city. Not
only were thousands of dogs, but they were BIG dogs.... real hounds
to be exact. Anyway, the people of Munich bunched together and
decided they would solve the problem by driving all the dogs out of
the city and into the hills. So one day, they all grouped together
and forced all the hounds out of the city and into the hills,
thereby solving their problem.

However, this action proved disastrous for the neighbouring town of
Lieden. Lieden was a leader in the manufacturing of paper and the
big paper mills provided work for many. As the hounds in the hills
began to get hungry, they descended upon the small town of Lieden
and were soon running a riot! All the shops were broken into as the
dogs searched for food. As Lieden was much smaller than Munich,
they didn't have the manpower to force the hounds out of the town
and all the inhabitants decided to go to Munich and complain.

As they were leaving their homes, suddenly a tremendous noise came
from up on the hill, where the paper-mill was located. As all the
residents were in the process of evacuating, they were puzzled as
to who was running the mills. Suddenly, an old man spoke up,
claiming he knew the answer. He took a deep breath and said....
"The mills are alive with the hounds of Munich!"