phriday phunny

Love it & just sent it to me Irish mate.

A bloke's wife went missing while holidaying on the Australian coast.

He spent a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there was a knock at the door and he was confronted by a

couple of pretty miserable policemen, the old Sarge and a younger
Constable.

The Sarge said: "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some
really bad news, but, some good news and maybe some really good
news."

"Well," says the bloke, "You'd better let me have it both barrels,
what's the bad news?"

The Sarge said, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young
Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in
the reef.

He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke was naturally pretty distressed to hear this and had a bit
of a turn. After a few minutes he pulled himself together and asked
what the good news was.

The sarge said, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few
really good sized crays and a swag of edible crabs in and around her
swimsuit, so we've brought you your share." And he handed the bloke a

bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

"Gee thanks," said the man. "They're bloody beaut... I guess it's an
ill wind and all that. Now, what's the really good news?"

"Well", the Sarge said, "Me and young Bill here get off duty at
around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up
again!...

You fancy comin' along?"

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. Remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less, makes your life miserable:

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it!"

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class.
The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "That's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors. He asked if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the sh**ty hairdo?"

And here's another,

Two men were in the bar having a drink and a chat,
one says "you know lions have sex 15 times a day".
the other looks at him and shakes his head, "BUGGER" he says
"now you tell me, I've just become a member of Rotary" :)

And another.

There was an old boy of 85, it was his birthday, his mates decided to treat him to a prostitute for his b'day.
She knocked on the door, he answered and said "what do you want"
"I've come to give you Super Sex", she said
He looked at her and said, "I'll have the soup please" :)

Duck walks into a bar and asks "Got any Bread?
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any far *** king bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf, we haven't got any far *** king
bread, ask me again and I'll nail your far *** king beak to the bar you
irritating stoopid far *** king bird!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any bread?

And here is my two cents worth as well :)
This is actually tightled "why parents drink"

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not
phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main
computers,

he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a

child's whisper.

"Hello?"

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No,"

Surprised and wanting to talk with an
adult, the boss asked, "Is
your

Mommy there?"

"Yes,"

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No,"

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the
boss

asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the
boss

asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"0 "No, he's busy"
whispered the

child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered
answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background
through

the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that
noise?"

"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered "The search team just landed
a

helicopter,"

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What
are

they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

"ME"

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test.
If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

M s. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong

Love it, the little bit of Irish in me is still laughing

Love is grand;
divorce is a hundred grand.
*************************
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
*************************
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
***************************
Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.
***************************
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
***************************
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
***************************
Even if you are on the right track,
you'll get run over if you just sit there.
***************************
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
***************************
An optimist thinks this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears this is true.
**************************
There will always be death and taxes;
however, death doesn't get worse every year.
***************************
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
***************************
I am a nutritional overachiever.
***************************
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
***************************
Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
***************************
A day without sunshine is like night.
***************************
It's frustrating when you know all the answers,
but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
***************************
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
***************************
Brain cells come and brain cells go,
but fat cells live forever.
***************************
Age doesn't always bring wisdom.
Sometimes it comes alone.
***************************
Life not only begins at forty,
it also begins to show.
**************************

DON'T FART IN BED
>
>If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you.
>
>This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell
>would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
>
>Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; She was concerned that one day he would
>blow his guts out.
>
>The years went by and he continued to rip them out.Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, She looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a Malicious thought came to her.
>
>She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound sleep and gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
>
>Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom
>
>The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!
>
>After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good
>
>About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
>
>She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
>
>He said," Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."
>
>What do you mean?" asked his wife.
>
>"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out,and today it finally happened.
>
>But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers. I think I got most of them back in.
_________________

My Contribution this week, sorry i'm out of Sheik Haliely Jokes....

You must do the accent, in order to fully participate....

A friend was depressed at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex
for quite some time. Afraid she'd something wrong she decided to
Employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended Dr Chung, a well known Chinese sex therapist,
so she went to see him.

On entering the examination room, Dr Chung took one look at her
and said, 'Hokay, take off aw your crows.'

She quickly undressed and stood naked before him.

'Now,' said Dr Chung, 'get down on your knees and craw reery reery fass
away from me to the other side of the room.'

Having done that Dr Chung said, 'Hokay, turn row and craw reery
fass back to me.' Once again she obliged.

Dr Chung slowly shook his head and said, 'Hokay, your probrem
reery reery bad, you got Ed Zachary disease. Worse case I ever see,
that why you have no dates, that why you no get sex.'

Confused, the woman asked, ' What is Ed Zachary disease?'

Dr Chung replied, ' It when your face look Ed Zachary like your
backside!'

Try this one ... We all like telemarketers ...
>
>
>
>The phone rang as I was sitting down to my evening meal, and as I answered
>it, I was greeted with "Is this Karl Brummer".
>
>Not sounding anything like my name, I asked, "Who is calling?"
>
>The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber Band Powered Freezer Company
>or
>something like that.
>
>Then I asked him if he knew Karl personally and why was he calling this
>number.
>
>
>
>I then said off to the side, "Get some pictures of the body at various
>angles and
>
>Concentrate on the blood smears and bloody footprints."
>
>
>
>I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered
>a
>murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this
>call and he would be receiving a summons to testify in this murder case.
>
>He protested that he was just aTelemarketer and knew nothing about any
>murder.
>
>
>
> Ignoring his protestations, I questioned the caller at great length as to
>his name, address, phone number at home, at work, cell phone number, who he
>worked for, Social Security number, driver's license number, had he ever
>been arrested, how he knew the dead guy, how long had he known Mr. Brummer;
>where he had been, and could he prove where he had been, about one hour
>before he made this phone call.
>
>
>
> The telemarketer was getting very concerned, confused, and his answers
>were
>given in a shaky voice, but he continued to answer my questions.
>
>He sounded like it was not the first time he had answered a police
>officer's
>questions.
>
>I then told him we had located his position and police officers were
>entering the building where he was to take him into custody.
>
> At that point I heard the phone fall to the floor and the scurrying of
>his
>running away.
>
>
>
>As I returned to our dinner table, my wife asked me why I had tears
>streaming down my face.
>
>So help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes.
>
>My meal was now cold, but it was the best meal I had eaten in a long, long
>time.

The Plan!
> ?
>
> Robin Williams, wearing a shirt that says "I love New York" in Arabic.
>
> You gotta love Robin Williams......Even if he's nuts! Leave it to
>Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan. What we need now is for
>our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.
>
> Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to argue with this logic!)
>
> "I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a
>plan for peace. So, here's one plan."
>
> 1) "The US wi ll apologize to the world for our "interference" in
>their affairs, past &present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo,
>Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those "good 'ole' boys", we
>will never "interfere" again.
>
> 2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with
>Germany, South Korea, the Middle East , and the Philippines. They don't
>want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed
>sneaking through holes in the fence.
>
> 3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and
>leave We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be
>gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are.
>They're illegal!!! Francewill welcome them.
>
> 4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90
>days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will
>be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't
>hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any
>more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.
>
> 5) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers.
>If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.
>
> 6) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy
>wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will
>require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou
>will have to cope for a while
>
> 7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel
>for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else. They can go
>somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling
>up the storage sites would be enough.)
>
> 8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we
>will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain,
>cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen
>or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if
>anything.
>
> 9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don't
>need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would
>make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.
>
> 10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one
>can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. The Language we speak is
>ENGLISH..learn it...or LEAVE...Now, isn't that a winner of a plan?
>
> "The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying "Give me your tired, your
>poor, your huddled masses." She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling,
>'you want a piece of me?' "

Enough.....

Avoid if offended by 'black humour'

It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife
are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokesabout
her false leg. Personally, I think it's prosthetic.

News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his
wife Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be
distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long"!

She said in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened,
I'm really stumped"

"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she
will need all the support she can get. It's not like its easy to walk
out on a relationship like this"

After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he would ever
consider going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer it if
we called her Heather.

It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the
marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world, and if
an agreement has been signed it is believed that she won't have a leg to
stand on.

Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may
have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to
get her leg over".

Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the
cause. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get
home at night and find her legless"

Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present
that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic
leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler.

A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate
"I'm stuffed, who will want a one legged gold digger?" His mate says
"try Paul McCartney"

Finally a poem by Sir Paul McCartney:

I lay upon a grassy bank
My hands were all a quiver
I slowly removed her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river

These jokes are funny but lets spare a thought for Paul please. Now she
has left him, he's going to struggle to find another woman who can fill
her shoe.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.

She stands next to the barber chair, eating a muffin while her dad gets his haircut.

The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."

"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits too."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) argued over nothing
2) refused to apologize when obviously wrong
3) gained weight
4) talked excessively without making sense
5) became overly emotional
6) couldn't drive
7) failed to think rationally
8) had to sit down while urinating

No further testing was considered necessary

In the news last night;

A man with 2 wooden legs house caught on fire today;

The fire brigade were called to put out the mans house;

They save his house;

but unfortunatly the man was burnt to the ground.

In Texas, a gay cowboy drove into town and shot up the Sheriff

He was later released when they found he was within the law

Baz.

How do ya get downe off an Elephant?

A Melbourne funny

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Melbourne and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

Lord Mayor John So jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!".

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

Lord Mayor John So jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".

A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. Lord Mayor John So jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Well and truly cheesed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart a$s. You get up here and do it."

Lord Mayor John So climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing ....

" A jazz chord...............to say............I ruv you..........."