Fryday Phunny

This one just has to be a joke.
Or is it move over Landcruiser and Patrol and welcome VW Touareg?

Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of Gorilla.

Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was on heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Kevin, a big Kiwi lad, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery. Kevin, like most Kiwis, had little sense, but seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species.

So, the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Kevin was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Kevin showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Kevin announced that he would accept their offer, only under three conditions:

"Fust," he said, "I don't want to have to kusser."

Sicondly, you must niver tull anyone about thus."

The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

Wull," said Kevin, "I'll nid another wik to come up with the $500."

(SUPPOSEDLY) TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION

A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42 000, with monthly payments of $560 and the next day he and a friend go duck hunting. It's mid-winter, so of course all the lakes are frozen.

These two guys go on a lake with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR, and decide they want to make a natural-looking water area for the ducks - something for the decoys to float on.

Now making a hole in the ice, large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average cordless drill can produce. So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a 40-second fuse. Our two rocket scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator) decide on the following brilliant course of action: light the fuse, then throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG...??? Let's talk about the dog: a highly trained black labrador used for RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by its owner.

You guessed it: the dog takes off across the ice, grabs the stick of lighted dynamite and heads back to its master. The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks resembling rhubarb stalks, scream and holler at the dog to stop.

The dog, sensing he is being cheered on, keeps coming. The second guy panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot - not enough to stop a black lab in full gallop. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then keeps coming. Another shot, and this time the dog becomes really confused (and not a little terrified) and thinks these two geniuses have gone insane, so takes off to find cover Š yep, under the brand new Navigator.

The men, running away rapidly, continue to scream. The truck's hot exhaust pipe touches the cowering dog: he yelps, drops the dynamite, and takes off after his master.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOM !!!! The truck is blown to smithereens and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with "I can't believe this just happened" looks on their faces.

Epitaph: the insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered; and our guy has yet to make the first of those $560 monthly payments ...

The dog is okay.

An Octopus walks into a bar and says "I can play any musical instrument you like".

An Englishman gives it a guitar, which it plays better than Jimi Hendrix.

An Irishman gives it a piano, which it plays better than Elton John.

A Scotsman then throws it a set of bagpipes.

The octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes without a sound from the bag pipes and then Scotsman then asks, "what's wrong, can ye no play it"?

The Octopus says, "Play It? I'm gonna f*** her brains out once I get her pyjamas off"

A bloke walks into the local fish and chip shop with a whoppin great fish under his arm.

He looks at the the cook and says " Have you got any fishcakes?".

The cook looks at the fish under his arm, then looks at the bloke and says, "Course I do, it`s a fish and chip shop".

The bloke throws the fish on the counter and says" Good, cause it`s his Birthday"

Olny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.

cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The

phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,

it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

Und alls ewes buggers thought yus was smart... Big Kev